Contribution
(05/18/2003; 12:05pm) - On an upcoming anniversary,
On an upcoming anniversary,
On which I?m not really sure what I?ll say.
I expect it with pass quietly with out notice,
just another night,
Black, slipping by?
Will I stop with amazement,
With wonder at what I have been given?
Will there be tears remembering the past,
The year it has taken to reconstruct me.
Will there be the acceptance for the B in genetics and the B- in microbio taken only 6 months later, instead of disappointment?
Will there be relief in the slowness the experience has brought me
Will there be patience, and gracefulness and awe?
I can learn a new lesson everyday,
One we all always talk about, but that I could never truly internalize.
Nothing matters in this world except your satisfaction.
Your contentment with each day.
That empty void which we all struggle to fill,
But the trick is remembering to leave it empty,
So that we appreciate when it?s not, and know what fills it.
Today I am thankful that I have so many people the care about me.
People that one year ago came to my bed side,
Brought me Chinese,
Called me at all hours,
Watched my little brother,
Changed my dressings,
Made me laugh,
Made me feel safe,
Made me feel loved,
And reached out their hands saying,
?please, please stay with us a little longer.?
So I have learned that the empty space is filled with love, but not other people?s love, but my love, for myself and for the world around me.
It is my satisfaction, contentment and love that makes me whole
And reminds me that sooo few things in the world really matter.
And i. after all this, am grateful.
I am grateful to have graduated to have done some more growing,
To have found a voice,
To have learned to give people the middle finger when they deserve it,
To tell people I care,
To tell people that I refuse to butt out of their life when it?s important,
To look awkward less self consciously,
To be a fool.
So yes, being here is beautiful,
And I thank all of you for sharing the experience with me,
And hopefully,
You won?t notice this day much either.
Except maybe, to stop for a moment and be grateful to be, and to be with us.
Bless you to all the people I?m with, even if only in my mind,
I?m sorry to all the people I?ve hurt,
I?ll listen to you, to all the people who need to talk,
I?m here for all the people who ask,
And I love each and everyone of you, just for being.
The anniversary of the day speech left me? May 26, 2002
(05/17/2003; 09:38pm) - poof, and like magic
i arrived in NYC.
got all sorts of confused, but mostly,
thrilled.
moved into my place,
tonight... i unpack boxes.
(it only took me a sushi dinner...)
that is, one for bobert and one for james in exchange for moving boxes up 12 flights of stairs.
i live in a cute neiborhood,
very friendly, very convienent...
very good for someone new to the city.
i'm working part time at a title company for a friend,
to learn and to make some cash while i get real jobs lined up.
all and all it's very well.
a little lonely in the evening...
a little loud during the day.
it's all and all a new and beautiful expereince.
i'm here,
i'm excited and
i'm down.
(04/17/2003; 05:21pm) - bitter.
so i spent a week in NYC city last weekend for a job interview...
look's like i didn't get the job although everyone i met was excited to hire me, something about a boss i didn't meet and his frustration with the fact that they interviewed me without going through enough resumes...? who knows...
But, i did find this lovely little apartment, just my size in Chelsea to sublet through October.
Yup,
I have a house! and soon (i hope) a job.
so now, I'm packing,
it's raining... which should make packing easy, but some how, it's still not much fun.
Well, there's that and the fact that my Yoga teacher's husband (seperated, and on his way to being divorced, but still husband) called me on the phone to tell me that his wife, my teacher, has been lying to him and is having a relationship with me father. (Yes, thsis is the much debated Melissa and my dad argument.) but i always assumed they were to move to that level they would tell me. since I do live here...
but alas, I was wrong.
my dad's now dating a 33 yr old woman who's maturity is not equal to mine,
and the husband involved is calling me on the phone.
what they hell?
I'm sorry i really thought i graduated past 8th grade a really really long time ago.
so obviously, i'm bitter.
waaaaaaaaaaaaay bitter.
and EXTREMEly dissappointed.
you know, some of us live with this dream that we can look up to our parents and learn from them. and some of us just realize that we surpassed our parents maturity when we were about 8 and we've just been making it up since then.
yes yes,
what was that line?
it's time to take responsibilty for all the mistakes our parents made in raising us and get over it and on with our lives?
well, yeah.
but i can still be bitter in the process right?
see you in NYC in less than 2 weeks.
love you all
excited is slowly leaking out of bitter.
(03/26/2003; 03:50pm) - just one of those days...
I'm watching my little brother (Luke) who's 10 while my parents are in Cancun for 10 days. Here's a little recap of how it's going.
Saturday: I let Luke play Diablo II all day cuz he loves it.
Sunday:I take Luke to the Mystery Spot, a cool thing to see in Santa Cruz, he claims: it's boring.
We come home, he doesn't really want to do his homework, so we agree to do it in the morning.
Monday:
the phone rings 4 times before 8.
the dogs each wake me up twice. (that's 2x2=4)
Luke has a cough and that wakes me up, over and over.
We get up at 6 30, tired.
Luke still won't do his homework.
I make his lunch and feed him and take him to school.
I forget to feed him his medicine-- ADD type stuff.
I take him to school and he get's there early and no one likes to be at school early.
On my way home i get a flat tire.
I change the tire and smile at the Mexican guys that are going into work at the restuarant i'm parking in front of. The all visibly sigh that i'm not asking them to help my change the tire. (Yes, after all these years, I still have to stand on the tire iron to get the lug nuts off, why am I not 6'4" and really ripped?)
I get home and walk the dogs.
I get home from the walk and there's a message from Luke's teacher saying that he's driving her nuts and can i Please come in and drop off his medicine. (school is 45 minutes away.)
It's 12 30, I have to pick him up at 3 00.
I call her back and say, no, i won't bring in his meds if they can handle it, and i'm terribly sorry (minus one for Mike as mom) i hope she can manage the rest of the day.
I pick luke up and the teacher comes out to meet me, she says if we forget again she'll have to send him home. (minus two for mike as mom)
I take luke home and yes, he still doesn't want to work on his homework and sings a song the whole way back that goes something like this: "
Micaela is the best sister in the world, yes, she is, yes she is. Micaela is the worst sister in the world, no she's not, no she's not."
With moments in between where he says, "Wow, I'm annoying, huh?" and then sings some more.
damn it!
Some times no matter how much the day sucks, or is rough, little kids just know how to make it all worth it. (Barely.)
i'll be back when the fam comes home and rescues me.
-m-
(03/18/2003; 04:50pm) - a moment of free time, before weeks of free time...
I?ve been working a lot on the idea that I love my friends but I don?t want to own who or what they are. I want to have enough confidence in myself to not need the power I barrow from them. When I read what my friends write I want to love them and not what to own them. When my friends sing or speak in great ways I want to appreciate and not be jealous of them.
So in balance with that I am learning? here?s a moment of what comes next.
When I talk to people, places, far away dreams, the moments that they are in are not the moments that I am in. I can appreciate where they are and what they are but that does not have to change me or what I am doing. I can still be and love. Feelings move for the moment, and change by the hour. Despite your or my angst, they do not govern life.
Sometimes I feel like I have to go. I have to grow. I have to move, so I know that I am breathing. But I am here, in my own space and way. And I am growing and I am breathing. So, despite the rush I feel inside me, my own twisted creation, I really am still doing the best thing for me.
I just have to let the sea pound on by. It can crash against the coast and I can sit back and watch it. Enjoy it and love it, with out being swept out to drown or being forced to swim.
And it?s ok to be caught up by the blast,
to run through the spray,
and it?s ok to come home again,
at the end of the day.
-m-
______________________________________________________
Can you feel it?
Slowly distilling down?
Words growing great. Moments growing short.
Meaning elucidated with out so much wasted time.
The poetry is growing.
Can you feel it?
It?s growing.
(03/17/2003; 08:11pm) - sometimes it's good to remember,
one of those days...
sometimes don't you just wish you could go back to a past memory, even for a minute?
I just took an exam, debated whether my memory was wrong or whether the teacher wanted something insane.
Decided my memory was wrong, answered 3 long questions and walked out to check.
My memory was right. and those 3 long questions? now utterly wrong.
makes you want to curl up in a ball and remember something nice. yucky! grr. all those frustrating sounds.
(and although i don't necessarily wish i was back there, i do believe it's good to cherish the things that were special.)
so here's my something nice...
a warm spring day, sun is nice and hot,
many kids are laying on the grass in noyes circle some are throwing frisbee's
boys are shirtless, girls are in tanks wondering why they aren't shirtless
we're sneaking in to ACDC to get big mountain dews and fro-yo and french fries
we're in big pants trying to hide out barefeet from management
we're all a little bit sweaty,
and all delightfully happy.
there are few days as beautiful as many of those...
so me?
for the next 15 min before i start studying for my next exam...
I'm carrying a soda out to the grass
to sit with chas while he reads and to watch the boys throw things,
and relaxing in the sun.
(03/14/2003; 12:19pm) - so fast.
so i'm studying for finals,
i finished my last class today and actually had time for yoga... (rare lately)
Suddenly, i remember what it was like to have time, to do things i wanted...
now, it's hard to study!
I had a brilliant birthday. Much love and appreciation to everyone who came... it was soo much fun. (I think we should get old and all just live here and drink red wine and rot happily together, playing croquet and laughing.)
I'll get some pictures up, but you just have to wait until after finals (Tuesday-ish).
So those ideas i've been having:
here's one
I listened to a story on NPR in which they recommended books on the middle east and some specifically on Saddam. I would LOVE to get together a reading group, give everyone a book and meet again for a summary. That way i could read one or two books instead of 20. Of course, this isn't gonna happen. At least, not till i'm old and grey. But if anyone wants to read... here are some recommendations:
these are the one's i liked:
Peace to End All Peace
Longitutes and Attitudes
Reckoning
Republic of Fear
and on a different war but same ideas:
Black Hawk Down
these are all written from different points of view. If anyone has read any of these i'd love to know what you think.
anyway, that's my dream for today, to be able to have a book club on line. (too bad we all talk to much to make that much worth while!)
i love my blabbering-longwinded-rambling-just like me friends.
have a good night
(02/25/2003; 02:31am) - heading home...
hey,
i'm proud, i posted on the big scarey front page. fuck yes!
and has anyone mentioned to bobert that this piece is called contribution.
not contribution(s)?
just wondering love,
pps- i got an e mail from my friend ethan today, i've known him since i was 16 and he's one of my nearest and dearest, except that he's terrible about keeping in contact (even worse than fancy), and he's comming to my birthday. (Now that i've announced it if he doesn't i'm driving to santa barbara to kill him.) Isn't it great how a simple sweet little note can make your whole day worthwhile.
Take a moment, make the effort-
make someone else's day worthwhile.
-m-
(02/22/2003; 11:50pm) - a little bigger view
you have to love the little things you do in your sleep...
like post the thing you already added the day before,
or write poetry that doesn't make sense.
those late night moments where you can't recall what you did, but you know it was something.
i'm always convinced that those are great nights,
until the next day, when you have no idea who's laying in bed next to you.
(either that, or when you wake up and there isn't someone laying next to you where someone should be.
that's really bad too.)
I have to love the fact that i take dare's. It's a piss pour plan, but shit it's entertaining.
I'm tiny.
Anyone out there who doesn't know me, i'm about 5'6' (just under) and i weight about 120lbs.
that = tiny girl
who loves to be silly and drink, and HATES to get sick.
(good news being, i've only been sick once ever, and it did result in me missing my plane flight home from Barcelona, but you can write Adria and ask for that story because thinking about it still makes me ill.)
So, the other night, I'm having dinner with my dad (who i live with right now) and three of our friends (all above 40)
One of them, the youngest, Tom, who has just left a long relationship and is into sleeping with anything that walks, is generally great company. So he and I start arguing about something, and we just keep pouring the wine for each other.
Fact number two: not only am i tiny, but I'm on a medication that makes me get drunk faster than anyone else.
We debate for a while, and then he suggests that he's going to drive home. Now, I obviously being tipsy as shit, know that this isn't a good idea, so i tell him that he really has to stay. And he asks what is he gonna do? And i suggest that he smoke more pot. Yup, I live in Northern California, all the adults smoke pot with the kids. So the adults all take a hit and they tease me because I don't smoke. (It just doesn't really agree with me.)
Then Tom, being a complete punk dares me. He's like come on! It won't hurt you. And me, being drunk, and used to being passed drugs I LIKE when I'm drunk, I'm like what the hell, I don't care as long as you don't kill yourself driving home. I'll smoke pot with you!
So i take one very small hit, and breath it out as fast as i can...
to no availe.
They also grow some increadably strong pot out on this side of the US. One tiny breath and in 15 min I'm stoned and not pleased. I utterly give up. I say good night, and wonder out to my apartment, hoping none of these nice adults that i usually try to be very respectful with have noticed that fact that i'm stumbling. It sucks to be fucked up in front of your folks. (I saw them all the next day, and they didn't seem to notice a thing, so they must have been waisted too.)
So yes, don't offer me drugs when i'm good and wasted, I might not get sick, but i probably won't be plesant.
(and if you realy like me, don't dare me to do anything i would regret, i'm nearly guarenteed to do it.)
ahhh, growing up, doing drugs with your parents, deciding to not do drugs, with or with out your parents...
love always
-m-
(02/21/2003; 03:15pm) - some more...
Part III
My dog hurt herself. She, some how, torn the tendon on the underside of her left rear foot. (I think that?s the easiest way to explain that to you. No, I?m not being condescending or that word that starts with a p and is like a father--- the one I can no longer ever remember. Damn stroke.) So, she?s been through lots of x rays and lots of pain meds and today I got to watch the surgery. It was thrilling. Drilling through bones and being able to answer questions that the doctor quizzed his interns about is all quite satisfying. Perfect day for me.
Part IV
I?m moving to NYC. Apartment finding is always messy. We had one, now we don?t we have a new one; we?ll see how it ends up. And I?m thrilled to get to be in such a new place with amazing people to keep working on my head and my goals. (Yes, Mikey is all sorts of into being an orthopedic surgeon, yes as a vet.)
But my best friend is in Barcelona and she?s trying to decide if she should come back or if she should do some more Europe for a while, and frankly, NY sounds good and all, but my and Adria and Europe, living in cities until we become illegal and then moving on? That sounds damn good too.
I think, I have to finish classes. Write essays for college. Take my GRE?s and the faster I can do that, then the faster I get to Europe, Australia, Asia and where ever else my heart takes me. Wow, did I leave out South and Central America?
Cool guys, now you know my plan!
ps i just got my wisdom teeth out, so if i make no sense, i appologise. Drugs are amazing, i was in the chair and then i was dreaming and then i was in this warm bed being told to sleep. There is nothing so amazing as just relaxing and knowing that all is well and that you should sleep--even if you need drugs to get there.