search
logo version 4.0
Not of your design
i don't think like you
so why should i write like you
my thoughts
my world

(07/19/2006; 04:10pm) - the good amongst the rest

i've been distracted as of late.
with
impending armageddon
and my mom returning to overseas
but with days like this
a new laptop
my mother's voice on voicemail
and a girl's return from the ether
its good to know things
even now
can go well


(12/20/2005; 01:08am) - home day #1

so my mom gave me these 2 scrawny pillows. i ask what gives and she says that i am allergic to goosedown and that she is creating an allergen free enviorment. i say she is hogging all the good pillows


(11/14/2005; 10:45pm) - for my confirmation hearing or campaign, whichever comes first

i say this to you
ye who delve into a trail of paper and 1's and 0's
ye who wish to saddle me with the ghost of my previous incarnations
the opinions and beliefs that i have today
may not be those that i have tommorow
may not be those that i have in 20 years
as they were not those i had yesterday
for now
i am young
and stupid


(11/10/2005; 03:41pm) - pretty sure this is wierd

i'm pretty sure i ahould not have a crush on maureen dowd


(09/26/2005; 11:29pm) - a bookmark in life for myself

not that you care, since you dont. lets be honest here.
it seems that i am a programming cyborg cowboy from the future 3413
where all the cattle are robots

told ya



(08/05/2005; 01:31pm) - question of the ages

Do I:
a) learn arabic to help stop terrorists
b) write my grad school essay

call 555-bobert and make your choice known to the world
or at least me


(06/21/2005; 12:19pm) - secrets to doing nothing....and getting paid for it

if you have a palm pilot feel free to read books on it. to observers you appear to be studying your schedule and keeping yourself organized


(05/08/2005; 02:27am) - this too shall pass

ah, yes.
the spark
the hope
the precusor to failure

i've coded many times to flush emotions out of my system
but never before has coding made it worse


(05/08/2005; 02:19am) - a question

did i stay home all day coding to wait for an email from a girl
or
did i stay home all day waiting for an email from a girl to code


(05/04/2005; 01:33am) - small pleasures

it's nice to know that despite it all
zell miller is still
a crazy crazy old man


(05/04/2005; 01:10am) - the sound of existential arg

if i had known vacation was going to be this bad
i had have gone to work today


(05/03/2005; 10:36am) - ::rewind to:: 5/22/2004 @ 8:30pm - can't we be friends b. girl

it's probably for the best.
I'm pretty sure love causes indigestion
or at the very least heartburn!



(05/01/2005; 01:44am) - shocking

and the words she kissed me over and over
as if on repeat


(04/28/2005; 10:35pm) - life with elliott

ElliottClopton (11:29:44): I got a letter from the U.S. government telling me to call my mother
misscheng75 (11:29:57): what?
ElliottClopton (11:30:05): she called the state department or Japanese embassy when she heard about the train accident
ElliottClopton (10:32:49 PM): thats a true story



(04/25/2005; 11:27pm) - better

as i was going through my old bills
trying to get my life in order
i came across an expanct circuit city gift card
for $434
tommorow will be better than today
i promise


(04/25/2005; 12:52pm) - fucking mondays

nothing like the threat of termination over a misused parking permit to make it an extra special monday


(04/10/2005; 09:41pm) - a promise

i will do what i can
with what i have
and i will make miracles
in all aspects


(04/10/2005; 8:20pm) - growth

i revisit the pain of a 10 year old
with the eyes of a 25 year old
and consciously decide to let go

::cause life happens and that was just life::

so i sit and meditate and cogitate
on the things i need to let go of
because life will be so much simpler
and so much easier
and so less painful
if i take off needless burdens
and simply
              exist      
  in    
    the  
      moment



(04/01/2005; 09:23am) - some people

<rough cut>
as the office staff is in a heated debate about the Schiavo case, a woman, a black woman, a black woman who overly sensitive to race asks why is that this white woman has stolen the headlines while Johnny Crochan dies with barely a whisper. I look at her. shocked. and announce it's because he's black and storm off.
</rough cut>


(03/26/2005; 04:57pm) - a reprive from self

and while nursing the hangover of a 2 day bender
climaxing in a 12hour booze fest
i clean the apt and perform errands
and am reminded how a cat once told me
that apt maintenance is the closest one will come to life maintenance
when even the soul aches from the throbs of whiskey of the previous night
(or whatever your poison happened to be)


(03/17/2005; 11:06am) - this is not leadership training pt 1

for the record leading by example sucks.
it usually means doing stuff you never wanted to do in the first place


(03/01/2005; 06:30pm) - thats a relief

oh wait it's neuropol.
the flash movie stored the name
thats a relief


(03/01/2005; 06:28pm) - i am so bad at web dev

i forgot to save the font i used for the melounge logo. AGAIN
i am such a fucking idiot


(02/13/2005; 10:07am) - 2 weeks as system error

.denial od service attack detected
 ╘attack against work related port detected
 ╘attack against social port detected
 ╘attack against emotional port detected
.virus detected
.shutting down
..rebooting



(02/08/2005; 10:40pm) - to the left of a funk

you know those moods where you just wanna do your thing
put on some tunes
and lay back let the tunes take you to wherever you were going to anyway
i think i'm in one now



(02/08/2005; 10:39pm) - a non-surprise

did you know that the soundtack to the O.C is the perfect soundtrack to teen angst?
would you be surprised if i told you it was?

me either.


(02/04/2005; 10:20am) - yes

amidst the storm
and fighting fires not of my creation
i realize
i am really good somtimes


(02/01/2005; 08:33am) - i have the weirdest life amongst sheep in this the age of terror

walking onto the R train
only wanting to sit down and write
my considerations of jesus
when

i spot a massive black back pack
alone
unattended
looking weird
with tinges of terror wafting off of it

thinking myself paranoid
i look around to find an entire car
equally paranoid
equally weirded out
trying to ignore the massive terrorist elephant in the room

i ask around if it's anybody's bag
and non-surprisingly. it belongs to no one

so there i am
walking back along the train
searching for a conductor
which took a while since i could down a car at a stop
no interconnecting cars on an R train

luckily i found a conductor on the stop i depart
and told her about the black back pack
she seemed grateful

but i was at a lost as to what i was considering about jesus


(01/30/2005; 04:10am) - projecting into the future

when once dating the one
what do i think of myself
happy. satisfied. contented.
or pathetic

for
finding
solace
in a met need

rather than
containing
a percieved weakness


(02/03/2005; 10:42pm) - @50th St /2 train {drunk}

and gazing at my reflection
i ask
who are you
who is this monster before me
what do you want
of me
of the universe



and hearing these words
across the glass chasm
i realize
i have no answers for him



(01/30/2005; 03:20am) - @72nd /2 train {drunk}

and sitting here
i remember the meaning of the mix

after the nominal success ot the social experiment
i thought myself above it
above this
but lo
i remember the peace
of walking the line
and the comfort
of the harsh melody


(02/03/2005; 10:33pm) - ::rewind to:: 11/30/2004 @ 10:30pm - beaches

::gasp::
and you wash ashore
hoping you are better for the moment
never certain
never knowing


(02/03/2005; 10:24pm) - ::rewind to:: 11/30/2004 @ 10:15pm - butterfly as heartbeat

how can i miss her
if i don't like her

if you know she's evil
and strive to avoid all those like her
what does it mean
to know you miss her

that glow
that momemtn
that you swear you'll never do again


(02/03/2005; 10:23pm) - ::rewind to:: 10/13/2004 @ 8:34am - untitled #7

there are worse lifes
despite it all
much worse


(02/03/2005; 10:17pm) - ::rewind to:: 05/29/2004 @ 01:53am - living in nyc

what's here for me i'm beginning to ask
those aspects i once thought intrinsic
are now missing or dead
leaving me one body om a mass of 10 million
but i can be this body anywhere
begging me to ask
why am i here?


(02/03/2005; 10:11pm) - ::rewind to:: 05/29/2004 @ 01:49am - untitled #6

lacking rank and insignia
i forget my name and place
leaving me without the
wwight and connection that
grounded me here in the first place


(02/03/2005; 10:07pm) - ::rewind to:: 05/29/2004 @ 01:36pm - untitled #5

i walk alone thse days
except for a distinguished few
who choose to partake of a sojourn
from time to time
not to say i am lonely or sad
just that i'm different somehow`
marked
scarrred
perhaps for the better
who knows
certainly not i
certainly not today


(02/03/2005; 10:03pm) - ::rewind to:: 05/27/2004 @ 09:25am - untitled #4

off the mountain
i walk alone these days

the mountain
the great heights of yesteryear
seem an illusion to today
leaving me to wonder if the foundation of those days
was my own hubris or my own naivte

to believe that such things
as truth
and
friendship
could last forever


(02/03/2005; 09:56pm) - ::rewind to:: 04/11/2004 all moods shall pass

standing on a platform
into a brisk wind
my blue balls of the soul subside
left
with only an understanding of my reality
and a wish to be taken home
::as my train approaches::


(01/11/2005; 07:13am) - *sigh*

i woke up this morninng
looke upon my nightstand and found my glasses, broken.
yup
its one of those days


(01/02/2005; 02:31am) - a terrifying realization

i don't get what i want
because i don't try to get what i want::just hope i walk into it::
::realiazing:: this isn't good
and to realize it on the first of year
this really isn't good

fuck

if my life had a score it would change about.........now


(12/18/2004; 05:02pm) -

i'm hungover
but not painfully so
just left with feeling of....confusion
i left the house in hopes that it would improve my mood
and my outlook
but it just reinforced that the feeling
of
wait...this is my life::response::
you sure::response::
huh
it's just that i thought it would include more hover bikes
...and supermodels


(12/18/2004; 04:59pm) - like towlie

at brooks going away party
after meeting up with amanda, jason, micaela, and ben!?
i was talking to a girl
and was going to leave with said girl
....until she got too inebriated
and kinda wandered off


(12/03/2004; 07:51pm) - pet peave #89

i hate it when i'm using T9 and my cell phone reminds me i can't spell


(12/01/2004; 10:15pm) - an example of human frailty

how can i miss her
if i don't like her

if you know she's evil
and strive to avoid her all those like her
what does it mean
to know
you miss her
that glow
that moment
that you swear you'll never return to again


(11/30/2004; 10:30pm) - a second in 3 parts: pt 3

and you wash ashore
hoping you are better for the moment
never certain
never knowing


(11/30/2004; 10:03pm) - a second in 3 parts: pt 2

::and looking at the water's edge-between liquid and air::
::realizing this could be an end::
::the end::
::you wonder if maybe the end is enough::


(11/30/2004; 09:45pm) - a second in 3 parts: pt 1

certain songs
like certain feelings aren't fair
they pluck a nerve long since dead
and revive a flood
of memories
of emotions
and for that second
that split second
you drown


(11/22/2004; 10:08am) - i can't go home for 6 hours and 52 minutes

i found a bottle of water in my desk
i owe some god a sacrafice of newborn flesh


(11/22/2004; 10:02am) - moo moo v3.0

i'm so out of it
i posted one of my pieces to the front page by mistake
::ug::


(11/22/2004; 10:00am) - i can't go home for 7 hours

you know those dreamlike hangovers
that you don't realize you have
until you are sittiug at your desk
on a brand new day
with no idea what's going on
i have one of those


(11/22/2004; 09:59am) - for the record

the past three days
is but a haze
of alcohol and hangovers
contaminated with houseguests
dabbled with debauchery
punctuated at spots with videogames
constantly bringing me to the same epic question
::is it monday already::


(11/11/2004; 09:43am) - 4 people in a 1 bedroom

wil and kev asked me if they could crash here the weekend of the 20th. i thought it ok as it would only be a weekend but now keith's apt just fell thru. here are my thoughts

ah hem:

Dear Houseguests,
i will kill you all.
one by one
do you hear me!
ONE BY ONE!
yes i am laughing maniacally! do you have a problem with that!?
KILL!!!

.b


(11/07/2004; 02:14am) - a call to arms

this is a call to arms
a call to climb out of our ivory towers
of idealism
of academia
of anger and frustration
to reform this country
in their image and ours
we will flood
our towns
our cities
our businesses
and our schools
to erode the system of fear and hate
and inoculate all future generations
this is a call to arms to
revel in our loss so that we may understand their dread
so that no child
no person
no candidate
no country
will lose anything to fear ever again
another world is possible
and we shall make it real



(10/20/2004; 11:45pm) - a cathartic fire

while looking for a pad
i stumbled across sheets of paper
containing contact numbers
talking points
and issues
to fix problems that were not my own.

upon discovery i promptly burned the pages
i feel better


(09/28/2004; 11:11pm) - ghost written by a 15 year old girl named Lizzie

so i'm all pissed off and like "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU"
and she's like all giggling and says "Not now, maybe later"
and i'm thinking like "Really!?"


(09/27/2004; 10:15pm) - confessions of a news junkie

Last night i had a dream/nightmare about Kerry losing the upcoming debates
except...kerry and bush were dressed like starsky and hutch
....and i may have been batman
this can't be normal


(07/27/2004; 11:48pm) - after barista girl...as a fish

these are the hard times
mot the depths of abysmal failure::with nowhere to go but up::
but the almost was-es
when below you almost break the divide between here and beyond.
thinking that the universe is finally smiling upon you
...for it only to choose the person beside you
...or move on altogether
time after time after ti-
it almost makes you want to give up and surrender to the darkness of the depths
almost


(07/22/2004; 08:00am) - Can't we be friends?barrista girl.

it's probably for the best. I'm pretty sure love causes indigestion or at the very least heartburn!


(07/15/2004; 10:50pm) - a line in a book got to me today

Who must do the hard things? He who can
-attributed to Confucious


(06/30/2004; 09:40pm) - i think i may have tapped into powers beyond my control

i believe i have resurrected the wallbanger.
*the earth trembles*


(05/21/2004; 02:18am) - case closed

previewing my future with my earbuds plugged into my stereo (who knew i needed firewire) i realize that my life has come together. the missing corner piece has been found.
my life
it wasn't missing a girlfriend
it wasn't missing the perfect job
it was missing an ipod

who knew that contentment only cost ~300, well 410 with the proper accesories


(05/10/2004; 09:55am) - ug

it's going to be a bad bad day


(05/05/2004; 01:23am) - dear m

i know i promised you a happy song
but here's one out of 2
i made a lot of promises in my youth
i'm driving by the headlights
if i promised i'd always be there for you
I LIED!!!!!!!!
...
dear i
i need you not to need for a while
-dear i by franny


(04/27/2004; 09:15pm) - as the curtain drops on the day {also worthy of ish}

and on final inspection
i find that i had my underwear on backwards the entire day
without realizing it


(04/26/2004; 03:56pm) - Regis A. Clifford

i met a hero today
i know
because when i told him so
he said i was mistaken


(04/17/2004; 11:37pm) - cool like that

i've decided i'm too cool for vowels
from now i will only accept being addressed as Rbrt (or Brbt)
...however you say it (which admitedly may be a lot like robert and bobert respectively)


(04/17/2004; 07:30pm) - fucking multi-cultural astoria

about to nap greek music is blasted from the yard next to my bedroom window
or is that arab music


(04/17/2004; 04:06pm) - talk like the cool kids do

expression: my house is covered in semen
translation: my house is a filthy filthy house (i.e. horrendously filthy)

expression: i am a wilderbeast
translation: i am living in my own filth (note: does not normally mean feces but on rare occasions has turned out to be true)


(03/31/2004; 06:54pm) - ::rewind:: something great

something::great::happened today.
i just don't know what.
i sit here watching sorkin's west wing
and my worries mixes with issues of voters and national security
as gin mixes with tonic
leaving me
muddled
confused
tired::and alone::
but i do know
something::great::happened today
i just don't know what


(04/11/2004; 02:48am) - radar {drunkj}

i give up
another girl appeared to whom i was attracted
but it means nothing
why?
because
just because


(04/11/2004; 02:46am) - tax day {drunk}

at times like these
i attempt to write out my frustration
as if putting pen to paper
will wet my metaphorical quill


(03/28/2004; 11:41pm) - ::rewind:: the difference

most blogs, journals, yada and whatever
are indistinguishable from the next
but we have
a negro wandering japan
a student in lennigrad rooming with a bill o'reilly wannabe
a guy who has abandoned the standard narrative
and another who saw frogs and ping-pong balls
come out of the nether region of a chick dancing in a naughty naughty bar

so yeah. i think we're different


(03/26/2004; 11:08pm) - ::rewind::still coding

tired
on the brink of exhaustion
i realize what i'm trying to make
smile
and push on


(03/26/2004; 11:01pm) - ::rewind::melounge V3

the more i think about it
the more excited i get
this is it
the thing i always wanted
the site i was dreaming of
when benny looked at me and said
call it melounge


(03/21/2004; 04:20pm) - ::rewind:: hindsight

only with 12 hours of sleep between now
and the previous day
do i truly see
how miserable i was last night


(03/21/2004; 04:04pm) - i may die one day, but thank god that week is over

the beautiful thing about time
is that it propels me further and further
from last week


(03/21/2004; 03:27am) - ::rewind:: untitled #03

insecuruty waits around ever corner to ambush me
to confront me with the person i once was
and affirm that as the truth
yet as before::when that was the reality:: i fight
but not without the fear of making inroads


(03/21/2004; 03:20am) - ::rewind:: untitled #02

why is it i can not couple
why is it i care so deeply
i long to grow beyond these biological urges
to leave
the trappings of my own emitions behind
my humanity
behind me
instead
my heart gently breaks
as i watch a couple snuggle beside me


(03/21/2004; 03:10am) - ::rewind:: unttitled #01

i don't know what to do with myself
with those feelings yearning to be set free
yet paralyzed by reality
all i want...
with no sincere way to complete the sentence,
only half truths.
a void where THE truth should be
leavning me::as always::
alone




(03/12/2004; 10:25pm) - ::rewind:: a week to forget

the week was not my own
i dont know its owner
only that its breaks & pauses were not for me

caught in a torrent of drama not my own
i fought the tide
and struggled to break the surface
only to drown
and be washed ashore



(03/16/2004; 08:13pm) - ::rewind:: deep impact

and *WAMF*
it hits me
a truth i don't want
a reality i can't reconcile


(03/14/2004; 04:05pm) - truth #37

in a corner
with my back against the wall
things get scary
for you
not me


(03/14/2004; 02:55pm) - ::rewind:: no really, is it?

is it cowardice
to look at yourself
and realize
that yes. YES!! you do need help
and things would be worse without someone there

i can do this
I CAN do this
I can be big
I will stare them down
but it will be harder::so much harder::
if someone::like you::
isn't there in my corner
to make sure i don't tear out their juggular



(03/14/2004; 03:55am) - ::rewind:: drunk on 3/14 {duplicity}

i can feign wit like a mocking bird mimics calls
and banter like a bastard until forever gets bored
so
she doesn't see me swallow my heart
and erase the future
i so desperately want to be a part of


(03/14/2004; 03:45am) - ::rewind:: drunk on 3/14 {like josh}

i'm one of those
waiting to be struck over the head
painting the bullseye for all to see
while pretending the target is::even::there

broadcasting conflicting signals
waiting for the one
who will ignore them all
and tell me what i want


(03/14/2004; 03:10am) - ::rewind:: drunk on 3/14

drunk and alone
i stand on a train platform
fighting the cold::and overwhelming laughter::
waiting to be taken home


(03/14/2004; 02:52am) - ::rewind:: drunk on 3/14 {aaron sorkin is like unto a god}

so she said to him on the phosphorus tube
"you know the things with guys like you"
"what's the thing with guys like me he said" he replied
"you're one of those that want to be hit over the head"
and i realized i was too
and feeling less alone, i smiled


(03/14/2004; 02:42am) - ::rewind:: drunk on 3/14 {gonzo}

at a party today
i saw the possible futures
those whom i could let in
those whom i could offer no resistance to
but there were no takers


(03/14/2004; 02:38am) - driving to heaven (for real)

for the first time i know what the song means.
or at least i exist in the moment that i always forsaw

me
here
stuck on a train
with a collision course with the future


(04/11/2004; 04:24am) - the mountain comes to muhammed NOT!!!!

so i checked my high school's alumni page to see who actually lives in the new york area. and i hate all but 2 and i doubt those 2 would go the reunion anyway


(04/10/2004; 02:00pm) - the mountain comes to muhammed

on april 16th my high school reunion thing/party comes to new york
....ok fine i'll go

its nothing to not travel 4 hours to confront demons
its a whole another to not go to midtown. *sigh*

oh.
nd i got a letter saying a new checkcard would be coming in 2 weeks
and then i found the letter with theck card.

i need to check my mail more often


(04/06/2004; 10:37pm) - so around 10:25pm i had this epiphany in the shower...

i've come to realize that i surround myself with people who make me a better, fuller person
either by helping, pushing, pulling or inspiring.
that's the yardstack
that's the barometer

that's why i've always been enamored with role of first officer.
the person who stood by someone's side.
the person who's pressence allowed his c.o. to be the person they always knew they could be

but as i connect the dots to determine what this realization really means for me,
i look to find myself in the captain's seat, seeking the eyes::and body:: of the person to my side


(04/01/2004; 06:16pm) - fuck you andrew

i now throw away pennies


(03/28/2004; 11:08pm) - the perils of a japense keyboard: a lettter from elliott

Hey hows it going. I?ve been checking out new hood and it is pretty cool.My apt is a little bigger than I thought it would be,but it?s still mad tiny. A 332;he location is awesome though,I?m a 10 minute walk from everything including ECC headquarters.  Today I?Ve been walking through this giant shopping district.  ITs ;  a narrow road with a roof and shops up and down the street.  It goes on forever.Lots of arcades. In some you can play blackA 354;ack and roulette and gamble with real money.One even had mini horsetrack with little toy horses racing. You know I?m taller t& #65352;an most people,but I don?t really notice it.Everyone is pretty friendly, and they are even more friendly when I speak in my choppy at   & #65346;est Japanese. Pardon the rough letter,but its hard to type on this computer. it keeps trying to turn my words into hiragana  ;and kanji.Well I?ll email again soon.

Peace,

Elliott



(03/24/2004; 10:01pm) - an insult turned true

i have a pimple on my ass
you can't make that shit up
i guess you could.....
but you it would hurt a lot less when you sat down


(03/19/2004; 03:29pm) - the day won't end

banging my head against the wall because of a stray ' in php


(01/12/2004; 09:14pm) - driving to heaven, and there's no way back home

in my yahoo inbox was an email from my boss, with a profile/resume of someone i may want to hire...for the project i'm heading
the future is so wierd


(01/01/2004; 11:51pm) - first day of a new year

ouch. now that was a hangover


(12/03/2003; 11:38pm) - on my tombstone

Robert K. Jenkins III
1979 - x
He would have been happy with a Honda Civic
-

::at some point in the future i will probably look book on today and see it as the day the world clicked into place
::but today i'm just tired


(12/02/2003; 12:36am) - for the record

any day that begins with you awaking to find
a ringworm infected cat on your chair, beside your computer
is unable to proceed smoothly
....just take my word on that


(11/22/2003; 04:05am) - i did the most amazing thing today

goddamn the beast is almost done

with a few keystrokes i was over the hill
the work was mostly done
and for the first time in.. so long i took a deep breath
and my shoulders actually slacked.

halfway between awe and exhaustion
a smile crawled across my lips
and with the end in sight
i knew everything would be ok::despite the noise, stroking the chaos






(11/21/2003; 03:07pm) - worthy of ...ish

my house has 27 forks.
all of them are dirty


(11/16/2003; 06:46pm) - Rorschach's Journal. November 1st, 1985

"Appreciate your recent support and hope world survives long enough for this to reach you, but tanks are in east berlin and writing is on wall.

For my own part, regret nothing.
Have lived life free from compromise....and step into the shadow now without complaint."

Rorschach,
November 1st, 1985


(11/10/2003; 10:39pm) - a memorial

we were friends...i guess
i knew i was stuck with him
which for me
descibes the nature of my friendships

i knew jon yanow

whether geniunely feeling bad
or because of the guilt of not feeling bad enough
tears sporatically fall regardless

another candle has been extinguished
and the world around is darker for it


(11/07/2003; 01:40am) - like johnny walker('s ad campagin)

with a head full of mess and having been rejected from the sju honor soceity...again. i find consolation in a beer, a free shot at the bar a block from my house, and a tivo-ed episode of scrubs.


it's not fair or trythful to say life is good

but i at least recieve enough momemtum to

keep walking


(10/29/2003; 03:48pm) - it's not that i'm giant geek or anything,...it's just that i'm a giant geek

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary numbers and those who don't."
it made me laugh and i had to put it somewhere


(10/23/2003; 11:51pm) - cleaning out a yahoo mail box 92% full

i have.. er had 12 pages of email from Benjamin J. (i think) Kline.
this makes the current *thing* between he and i even more baffling


(10/20/2003; 11:43pm) - letting myself go unchecked:afterwards:

due to circumstances beyond my control
my shower will be a cold one
but reflecting upon the lack of self restraint
of this past weekend
perhaps this is not such a bad thing


(10/12/2003; 10:00pm) - found on a random sheet #2

it's strange::or maybe it's not::
that i only remember myself
in these valleys
of infection
or frustration
or ::other::

so strange::then again::
that i remember when i stumble
and learn::myself::
when
i
fall


(10/12/2003; 09:40pm) - found on a random sheet #1

There is one thing i always forget
you don't chooseyour challenges
?your challenges choose you
and so i sit
again::but different::

but though with fever
and exhausted
and a cataclysm fast approaching

my heart is lighter for understanding this
.again



(09/28/2003; 01:03am) - moo moo

let's just imagine that i wrote something funny and insightful here
and leave it at that


(09/24/2003; 02:42am) - i fall into her eyes

its strange that i turned her into patchwork so i could love her.
escaping the disdain i heap upon the masses for their adoration
::of stars::
::of beauty::
::of what is percieved::
::and of what will never be::
::i knew a princess once::
by masking hope in a veil of ASCII.
allowing myself to only cover her being in the form of ones and zeros
pouring her essence down the notch fitted for script and code
tweaking the frequency of her beauty to match my cold binary heart


(09/22/2003; 03:25pm) - anger

helping a woman with basic computer skills
on a computer sytem designed for a chimp::mac os::
while behind schedule
my homicidal tendencies rise


(09/20/2003; 11:36pm) - as always

as i feel my heart pumping, about to emote
i drown it again
in ones and zeros


(09/15/2003; 01:17am) - and the day's geek award goes to.....

on my night stand is the following:
1 pair of eyeglasses
1 eyeglass case
stack of cds (each either dead or blank to be determined later)
1 copy of sql for dummies
1 copy of advanced php for flash
1 copy of flash math creativity
1 copy of heroes or monsters (annotations to volume 1 of the comic book league of extraordinary gentleman)
1 copy of paradise lost
.end


(09/07/2003; 10:43pm) - i hate

at this point
everything
and almost
everybody
::the end of the crappiest b-day week ever::


(08/16/2003; 02:43am) - first time in too long: off the cuff

illuminated by a phorosus screen
with the hum of the ac behind me
i wonder
who am i?
who is this being of
hope
power
potential

i realize
i still don't know::fully::
which is ok. in this moment of peace
::me. wondering::


(07/29/2003; 02:08am) - its good to know

with the sky crashing on our heads
it's good to know
the world spins on
babies still smile
and i can utter as if in a sitcom
    "oh, amanda"::studio audience laughs. fade to black::


(07/27/2003; 05:29am) - i never cry

waiting for slumber
to take me to another day
that i know will be worse than this one
tears escape me


(07/27/2003; 03:42am) - it's ok

she didn't appear
despite emerging more real in the process.
distracted by the responsibilities of famial obligations her vaporous form coalesced into something more solid
though unknown nonetheless

but with a night ending
like a night like tonight
i think we are all better off with a bit of heavy gas


(07/27/2003; 03:34am) - why i left (/|\)

i left not out of cowardice
but because i was drunk.
stumpling. amongst a group whose synapses were firing much quicker than my own.
but

before the exit appeared
i spoke with the only person i really saw::and vice versa::
and she said to go home
for "there would be no more action tonight"

and i took her at her word
and ignored my own
with a battle only i saw on the horizon

it would serve no one for me to pass out on the front line.
besides. deep down. beneath the booze and bollux
i knew i was to lead the second wave.
those i left behind were to lead the first.


(07/27/2003; 02:28am) - what a night

on the shorter ride home
sandwiched between doubt
i know fear.
of the present
of the past
of what is yet to come.
and knowing it is a weight
i will force myself to embrace,
though now not my own
i run away.


(07/23/2003; 12:16am) - letting go of (their) dreams...again

walking. with her arm around mine.
i could look left to see the vessel of the fulfillment i could not give myself
or
i could look right to see the source of the answers to the questions i was to weak to find on my own

with my eyes off the path::my path::looking deep into her eyes::either left or right::i stumble. to find myself on a road not of my design. holding vapors. from a reality. that is not my own.

alone. missing the company of shadows. i shrug. and resume my pace.


(07/16/2003; 01:30am) - broken with 4 weeks left to go

and i ask myself
"when was the last time you were fulfilled?"
"when a moment was all that was needed::that existed::and the 3 letter question of why? was a shadow. of a species. extinct long ago"

i::I is too hard::go through the archives and find it was 2 months and a day
it seems so long ago.


(07/10/2003; 04:49pm) - so it seems

i'm bad at people.
i wonder if there is anyway i can reset my flash ROM in an attempt to change my social orientation to dingos.
or perhaps cantaloupes.


(06/30/2003; 12:57am) - sometimes it just happens that way

earlier this evening my room smelled of dirty laundry and meat.
that was weird.


(06/14/2003; 06:35pm) - pondering the cliff on the long way home

sitting in the place
where exhaustion is a state of mind rather than a state of body
and the universe has schemed to triple the number of trains to take me home

I have nothing but questions

but sitting here
tired
wet
alone
and jealous
i cant help but ask why I don?t get off

there are no bonus points for the trailblazers
no extra honor for the sentinel, ever present

just the bed. empty.

and as i look at my day
and as i compare it to the day of others

i can?t help but ask myself.
is it worth it.



(06/12/2003; 08:15pm) - why

admittedly
i am confused of the allure of???.this
for me the words in front of you form a journal
often only a single line in essence
expanded.
to create a moment. frozen.

but a single line nonetheless.
engorged by my deluded belief of its importance


(06/08/2003; 10:04pm) - on reading: Nicomachean Ethics by Aristotle

if i were truly a poet i could say "fuck you aristotle" both with beauty and sublimely

but as i am not "fuck you aristotle" will have to suffice


(06/06/2003; 03:08am) - sharing

i can't help but wander if she would like me more if she read this

if she saw my soul on a silver platter
glittering in the starlight
trapped in this moment of twilight

the tests say that i am
a poet
a minstrel
a dreamer

but i hide these parts
too hurt from too many past experiences
too scared to try again

yet i hope::with the small piece that still believes::
yet i pray::with the piece that died long ago::

that she will

free me. from the bonds of ice, forged in fire, of my own design
stumble. upon these words meant for her that i dare not say
be carried. by this binary stream to
a place
a mountain
to see

me

as i won't let me see myself.
without the shroud of bitterness::that i dare not remove::
with my head cocked to the stars

i can't help but ask
could she love me?

that she would not is a foregone conclusion


(06/05/2003; 10:10pm) - making all local stops

and so i sit. here. waiting. on an N train. to depart into a night pregnant with possibilities.
ASTORIA BLVD: solid plans were formed
30th AVE: only to dissolve into a vapour
BROADWAY: ?
36th AVE: leaving
39th AVE: me surrounded by a ghost I do not know and do not trust.
QUEENSBORO PLAZA: ?
LEXINGTON AVE: *vibrate*
my phone misses a call and leaves me with the shadow of voicemail, hearing voices from a time not now.
the return call halted as the train burrows underground.
me wondering what state the world will be in when i return above it.
59th ST: do i get off? transferring is a fool's game, the payoff often not worth the risk.
but voices from ago urge me on

and the fool wins
*Transfer*
42nd ST: and so i sit. about to enter a night pregnant with possibilites
14th ST: and i depart.



(05/29/2003; 04:31am) - gary snyder stole my title

i write in the moments of twilight.
in the place where tinkerbell will always love peter pan.
the time between asleep and awake where i feel that i can fly and know that i will live forever

where a second explodes into a lifetime and thoughts dash by me at warp speeds as i see the outside world creep by me, frozen, as i move and think at speeds too fast for others to percieve::except for those special few. where is she?::

but the problem is

but the problem is the moments flow through my fingers::that's what make them special::
they wash over me
they wash me
a fool straining the mississippi
me straining to hold onto the twinkle of starlight in the fluid deluge of life

i do find moments.
moments when i look up to find the world on pause.
but even then i always question
whether it is a moment of my own design or
whether in this moment, the world has truly stopped

sometimes i just write regardless
and i find stardust
or i find in my hand the sand of the glass of the mirror::that does not exist""
reflecting myself
illuminating nothing

sometimes i just kick the world back into motion::moving on rather, either out of boredom, exhaustion or fear::

anyway
that's where i write


(05/22/2003; 02:22am) - halfway between the gutters and the stars




(05/21/2003; 04:58pm) - flash forward (from yesterday)

though it feels so natural.
though it feels so perfect.
this is not my life::yet?::

this
strolling out into a warm summer day to await a bus that will begin the trek home
after a good day at work leaving me with a feeling of fulfillment and contentment

this is not my life.
at best presque vu::some sort of deja vu in reverse::
at worst the only solace for a long long time to come

between now and this future shadow is the short long road through st john's.

so no. this is not my life::yet?::
i still have far to go


(05/21/2003; 02:33am) - stuck between the pages in the journal

each night, in the shadow time, when i lay resigned to sleep but before the darkness engulfs me i always ask myself two questions.

am i alone?
am i not alone?

strangely enough, the answer to both is always yes.


(05/17/2003; 03:07am) - bright times on the cliff

no one tells you about times like these.
blissfully stumbling around a darkened apartment.
lighted only by the light above the stove and the small lamp on my desk.
that 'i am on no one's mind as they fall asleep' crosses my mind
but i quickly realize that's ok

the emptiness around me forms a comforting hug of darkness rather than a place in my self or my room that needs to be filled

i prolong the act of coupling for moments like these.
when i'm left alone to confront the totality of myself, which will leave me stirred and shaken or a with a smile across my face.

this time the smile won.



(05/12/2003; 05:41pm) - time

some days are like the egg timer of doom
seconds tickings away to confront a moment you don't want realized

you stand in the bottom half of an hour glass.
desperately.
hopelessly.
trying to push the sand back into the top half.
pleading to anything that will listen for those precious minutes back.
because. you scream. you yell. you're not ready yet. you're just not ready

and a tear almost falls, you almost give up at the sound of the universe's reply
of
tick. tick. tick.

i have an exam soon


(05/04/2003; 02:05pm) - unease: in possibly 2 shots?(/|\)

shot 1
on the corner of 57th and 5th.
outside of tiffany's.

watching pretty people buy pretty things i know that i want no place in their pretty world.

there are other visible sore thumbs in this pretty place.
minorities.
lower sec's
tourists

but most get by, by acting pretty

also watching people walk by is a volunteer for uho::i think that's the acronym. i may be wrong::
collecting money for the homeless. when i first appeared at the corner i saw him. i gave.

the pretty people ignore him
the others wanting to be pretty follow likewise

my favorite pretty people were an old white couple. the wind messed up the three strands of his comb over. he was very distressed. the wind has some nerve.
for a comb over. it was pretty pretty... i guess.


i-. benny finds me.
we walk
we talk
i tell him of the pretty people
and he tells me of the pretty people ignoring a man shivering. with problems. who needs help.




shot 2

staring into the abyss that drove the world insane

very few things in your world can like a switch change my mood. its very presence sending shivers to my being. tonight i was drawn to one

saw x2. it was good.

before the movie benny and i surveyed lower manhattan::on pause for break (weekend)::
from an ivory tower made invincible from our forthcoming excitement

we watch. we enjoy

i pee. we depart but enroute to the exit are stopped by the view of a brightly illuminated square::a light. so white. so brilliant. it makes me question my doubt of angels::
we continue looking to the square that looks so small but we know must be so huge. and together we ponder aloud "could that be it?" with a barely spoken agreement, as if possessed by one mind we
agree to adventure and set off.

we quickly realize that it is::see last question::

::keep up in the back. if i lose members of the tour group it comes out of my pay. *ha*. now we're heading south to beautiful downtown new york city. on the left is the mass grave of too many
innocents. on the right is the UA Battery Park Theater created in a growing effort to rebuild and bring more business downtown. when.......::

walking parallel to the wound that poisoned the world. thinking no tower of any height can inoculate it or us against that fireball. that bullet. tainted with madness.

staring into the abyss that drove the world insane i turn my head to look for her eyes, to tell me it will all be ok. her shoulder, to support my cold dead weight.
she's not there::is she a dream to be or a delusion for moments like these
right now there's just me. strong?::
-that oft repeated nanosecond concludes-

reality returns

i return my gaze left.
::without her::my heart tears in two. one half limp and defeated, supported by the strong other::like a carmalized apple on a stick ::
i hear a cacophony of silence. i hear voices. thousands of voices. yelling. SCREAMING. quietly. with voices so loud with absence that it is deafening.
::the strong other pauses. gets a better grip on all. and carries the cold dead weight. strong ::

they rebuild. a bridge to the spot has been constructed::a bridge to death. imagine the view!::
we try to enter but are disallowed access.

.
.
.

we continue south in attempt to find a path to cross the street so we can head east, to head back north again.

we cross

and find ourselves in the bowels of the city formerly known as new amsterdam. that one place scattered across the york that you stumble upon. so urban. and its yours. your pocket. one of those
kinds of places they find in vancouver or sydney to define new york.

we explore the bowels.
shine a light in the colon.
poke our nose in the lower intestine.
and we discover those left behind by the ghosts. the closed cafe::once down the small block. once on the same sidestreet that touched the place with all those people::
the pizza place open in the late hours trying to attract more to replace the many many many that it lost.
we see what's in the upper intenstine

and we emerge. proud. back on one of the major arteries. no worse for wear. the brown stuff on the chin a badge of honor

we ascertain our surroundings and

on the northbound trek for a subway home we find ourselves at the "official" face created by a city in mourning, at other side of the site.
gated off for your safety::and emotional security::

very few things in your world can like a switch change my mood. this is one.

we walk north more. find the subway to go home.
we ride
i write this
benny shifts under a weight all his own. we often catch each other eyes. each in our different headspace. each trapped in a world of our own design

around me the scene changes. people shuffle from car to platform, platform to car, sitting to standing and vice versa
strangers enter.
strangers exit.
i write this.

benny departs
we shake hands our way
and i resume writing

around me the scene continues to change
i write

i write, but stop mid-sentence
i hear the far off song of an accordion being played by a man i know to be blind, who guides himself from train to train day to day with a broken cane barely mended by duct tape following each play
which can not earn him more than a dollar.

i pull out 50 cents to give to the man::not even poverty should stop one from giving::
i groan and curse quietly to myself::for being reminded again that the world is a place neither happy nor fair::

which is heard by the girl who at some point claimed the seat that benny sat in::is she cute?::

a conversation begins. we talk. we laugh

at some point
i return to writing
i look up and see a spark in her::but is she cute?::

i say so much to he[a]r that never leaves my world
hearing nothing because i said nothing she eventually leaves. but not without giving me both a sideways glance containing a smile and a goodbye
is my notebook the chastity belt of my heart::an excuse to not express myself. thinking hurts::

very few things in your world can like a switch change my mood.
did i just find another?


(05/02/2003; 09:32pm) - impact

and so here i sit.
again.
with the same view at the same cliff.
and i notice that nothing has changed.
dark clouds still loom on the horizon ever encroaching upon the blue skies whose light can cut a swath through misery
in my absence the bills decided to not only not pay themselves, but to multiply in some hedonistic orgy
st. john's continues to remember that i owe them money::my outstanding balance blocking my ability to register for summer and fall classes. elongating my scholastic adventure a full year?! choices. was given the full tuition amount by the 'rents but part was used on frivolities such as food and transportation.
and i am broke. deeply deeply broke; with no forthcoming paycheck as i spent the pay cycle sick in bed. leaving me in the familiar trap that the rich never understand, and the poor know all too well.
immobility translating into sinking

once upon a time there was a plan.
the plan involved me working, eventually allowing me to pay off st. john's without bothering the parents. and with tuition settled chaos would cease. i would return to "just getting by" instead of "hanging on by a thread"

either the thread was plucked or i was hanging on too dearly because in the end i fell and broke. and that's when the plan became irrelevant:: I was to later place it on a shelf in a dark closet between my wish for world peace and my collection of songs that include the word hope in the title without negation.:: i spent my last dollars on food, medicine and doctors, learning that walking into:: faux:: poverty is hard, even if the trek is for a good reason

here i sit
the phone rings

my grandmother calls to check on my health, alert me upon the availability of rent funds, and the presence of financial breathing room.

and so here i sit.
again.
with the same view at the same cliff.
and i notice that nothing has changed. much.
dark clouds loom on the horizon ever encroaching upon the blue skies whose light can can cut a swath through misery::but the dark clouds are always there. they make the view look mysterious::because t is::
the bills. on the tables. in the mailbox. i look. they fornicate. i walk on, doing what i can
st john's is a corporate whore that i loathe but have fucked to my own disgust. and like any whore it will get paid. in time::out of taste i chose to forgo the metaphor, of incuming semesters and impending graduation::
and i am broke. deeply deeply broke; with no forthcoming paycheck as i spent the pay cycle sick in bed
but there is control. there will be order

a smile wanders by amiably. it streaks my face

and so here i sit.
again.
with the same view at the same cliff.
not laughing. not weeping.


(04/28/2003; 03:45am) - fairy tale as allegory

humpty dumpty sat on a wall
humpty dumpty had a great fall
and all the klings horses and all the kings men
could not put humpty dumpty back together again
they all quietly left and turned off the light
and left humpty dumpty alone in the night
piece by piece humpty rebuilt his body
and afterward the source of his descent seemed murky and cloudy
he definitely remembered it ending with a thump
then he realized, panicked and trembling with anxiety, he had jumped

at some point he climbed back up

.repeat?






376 comments