Contribution
(02/18/2003; 07:32pm) - while i was gone....
So I?ve been trying and trying to write for contribution but lately a lot of wasted words have been pouring forth -things about my relationship and my friends and my classes -basically, a lot of shit that you don?t really care about. So today, I picked up my laptop, god these things are cool, walked outside to a beautiful chair under this amazing clear blue sky (the kind that looks like summer) and I?m going to make something. We?ll hope it will be good. So here are all the things that I?m thinking about lately:
Part I
I just figured out after both college and high school how cells store and use energy. It?s amazing! I?ve been told over and over again that cells store energy in the phosphate bonds of ATP (adenosine triphosphate) but I really never understood why. Then thanks to my really fantastic microbiology teacher I was enlightened. Briefly for those of you who hate chemistry: molecules are essentially atoms held together by bonds, certain bonds have a higher degree of energy than others. In order to have a reaction happen all by itself with out any help from the outside world it has to be exergonic (to release energy) and have - ∆ G (or change in free energy), for a reaction that isn?t eager to occur the ∆G will be positive. (Both with have a more stable conformation after the reaction has occurred otherwise they would simple fall apart again.) So the great thing about ATP is that breaking one of its bonds releases -31.8 kj/v of energy (which is a lot for a small reaction). This available energy can then be coupled into other reactions driving them forward. So if something does not really want to react you can add this large amount of energy and force it, which are how all basic things in our cells which make up our bodies work. This holds true in all organisms (that includes plants, guys.) This is really amazing, so simple, so effective!
Part II
So beyond that I?ve been thinking about how all these complex structures fit together. See: Why flagella are so cool. By me. And it amazes me that we claim to be higher organisms with great potential for thought when all these little organisms are running on amazingly complex systems. Not only are they complicated but they have been conserved by evolution and passed down into multiple living things. So who?s more important or great or sophisticated? And are we supposed to learn about being big and busy or are we supposed to learn about being still and quiet. What if in all this hub-bub and chaos that we love to live, we are really given these minds to learn to be peaceful and quiet. To be still.
(01/28/2003; 10:49pm) - ahhhh.....
Well, today is day three.
I'm pleased to say that it was a great day.
And although i still feel a bit weird, i'm feeling much better. So, for those people who were kind enough to worry, don't. I'm fine. I have a micro exam on friday and some serious equestrian time to put in, but in a short while, i'll continue to bore you somemore. so just hang in there.
love always (thanks for the caring)
-m-
(01/26/2003; 12:11pm) - well, sometimes you just have to accept it to get on with life.
So this weekend I took a really big step in getting my life together. I waited and waited until that point where I had to admit that a lot of stuff in my mind was simply going to shit. I finally bit the bullet and went back on medication for my anxiety disorder.
Now, it?s terribly interesting to me that I don?t like that I need medication for help, especially since in this culture it?s widely seen as weakness. But, it?s funny because this is what I study (all that biopsych and chem crap) and I know exactly what it does and why it helps. I know that best and most proper ways to use it and how and when it is a good idea to try to get off it. (General hint, it is bad to stop taking SSRI medication while having surgery in the hospital when you?ve just graduated from college and are moving back across the country, but you know, try to tell the doctors that!) The key thing is that for me I lack the stability and confidence in myself (no shit, really?) But everyone lacks these things; the difference is the way that I choose to deal with it. Rather than worrying and going on with my days I get rather trapped in my own creative and expansive mind. Doing anything is scary because it brings out the risk of having panic take over my life. And for those of you who have seen me when I?m in trouble, I don?t look to bad. (I hide it brilliantly.) Some of you have seen me in trouble when I fail to hide it, or know me better and it can be a bit overwhelming.
One of the last times I was really in trouble for more that a day was when I was in NYC last October staying with Andrew and Bobert. Hey guys, did you wonder why I was never there? Because I was to busy sitting in the Met crying while looking at the art trying to figure out how to put my life back together (but really it?s never about putting your life back, your life is fine, it?s about figuring out how ?not to be scared? every moment of everyday.)
Now this sounds terribly silly, no one should be scared so much, especially some one who has no reason. I have no reason to be frightened of anything: my family has enough money to always take care of me, they would always look out for me, I have kind friends and a good sense of self preservation? but still I get utterly freaked about all sorts of things.
Once when I was sitting with Kate Harrell at the diner by Vassar, some time in ?99 we were talking about suicide and I said that I was never suicidal, although sometimes I feel like I would have to kill myself to make the anxiety stop. Actually, I think I said I would do anything to be rid of my skin. And I asked her if she knew what I meant, and she looked at me real funny and said that she did, sort of. It was one of the first times I ever realized that other people don?t live like me.
So, I?ve been hanging in there for a long time. It took a lot of help and a little bit convincing to get me to start meds the first time, and this time, I was much more willing and all the help I had before came back in my mind. So I?ve spent the weekend in the bath watching movies on my computer waiting for the initial, uncomfortable effects of these drugs to wear off so that I can go back to life and start feeling like there is a purpose and a good reason for what I?m doing. Actually, it feels great.
So, I?m not exactly in the best space to debate whether or not drugs are a good idea. For me they are a very good idea, otherwise you would all probably never see me again. I just wanted to tell you about my weekend, and why I didn?t write anything grand for you all.
So that?s my major life acceptance and change, at least, for this weekend.
Night all.
(01/24/2003; 09:45am) - Victor Wooten is so cool...
when you're 2 feet away at a tiny venue in some pot smoking town called santa cruz,
almost like when you're surrounded in NYC by more amazing bass players than god has
ever allowed into one room before, with Victor laughing with all of them.
There are some people in life you should not miss watching....
(01/23/2003; 05:40pm) - So, i'm learning...
So I realized while writing for melounge, this phenomena about me having to get involved. Some people don?t mind or care, but not me, I like to help everyone, reach out to anything and most of the time put my foot in my mouth in doing so. It?s really a delightful process, and at least I often know what?s going on with the people around me.
But sometimes I think it would be nice to listen with out having to get my hands dirty. I think at one point, years ago, I used to be very good at that. It?s not my job to fix things in the world and more often than not, people just want some one to take the time to listen to what they have to say. In the end they?ll figure it all out, but having a sounding board is just such a pleasant experience. Hell, saying ?sounding board? is a pleasant experience. So, I wonder where this inherent need to FIX things came into me. Did I learn it from my mom, or get it in my genes or is it something I?ve developed to help me cope with other people when I?m feeling over whelmed? Better than that, is it something I do to end the degree of indecisiveness that I feel when I have no answers.
I know that I hate, hate, hate, hate and totally can?t cope with indecision. It?s why I am indecisive, so that I could get over it before I die and go on to the next world. I think I?ve learned to try to fix my problems rather than patiently letting them sort themselves out. Doing rather than waiting and being.
Shit, yet another age old remedy that I?ve read and read but intentionally over looked for years so that I didn?t have to deal with myself.
So I guess now that is the thing that is plaguing me most. I want answers, I want to know who I am, what I?ll do and how much money I?ll have. I want to know what my profession will be and where I went to grad school and if I have one cat and a dog or two cats, and if I?m married and if I have children. And, even more importantly, I want to know who I am, and how I got to be that person.
But that?s the lovely trick. (and I?m sorry for all you people who know all this already, just read it and enjoy the writing!) Getting to know who you are takes patience and time spent in indecision. It?s not where you end up but the time you spend creating and choosing who you are and how you?ll be when you get there that define who you are. It?s how well you deal with a tricky situation, or a major life change. It is in the end, underneath the daily chaos, the fundamental way you will choose to execute your life plan is laid in how well you can deal with yourself and your space in indecision. In choosing to be, instead of doing or instead of being lost.
So when people look back over their years and ask, have I lived a full enough life? (And believe me lately, I?ve had to think about that plenty.) What determines the answer they choose? Is it accomplishments? Places they?ve been? People they?ve loved? Children they?ve raised? I want a list, with those types of things, but more so, I want to know that I lived each of those days to the best of my ability. That I didn?t run from them. I want to be able to say that I have been honest or direct or clear with people in my life. And I want to say that I looked bravely into the eye of everyone I?ve spoken to and been myself. I was to say ?Wow, I?m 23, 35, 40, 60, 76? and I can?t believe it?s all gone so quickly, but it?s all gone so beautifully, and I am proud to own the years I?ve lived. I?m proud and delighted to be me.?
-------------
Today, right now, with all the bullshit that I admit is getting to me, I am proud and delighted to be me. I accept that things are different and always changing, that I don?t always mentally work the way I once did, that getting an apartment is scary, that being alone is sometimes rough, that not knowing where I?m going makes me uneasy, and I promise myself that I will learn and grow through all of this, and even when I don?t feel like that at bed time, I believe that it will be ok. Because I have faith in that one thing in the whole universe that you can count on, I have faith in myself.
(01/22/2003; 12:58pm) - why 'thank you' is such an understatement...
People from your past give you this warm feeling, like walking
into your house at Christmas- you know, when it smells like Christmas.
It's beautiful and tragic to know how few people will know you
that way. Your best friend, if you have one long enough to have them
really be best. That one person you thought you were going to marry,
before they broke your heart.
The person you do choose to spend your life with- they will
probably know you that well too, if you ever find them.
It's these people who protect you from yourself on your most
twisted days. They tell you to knock it off, when you're being an ass
and they take you out to get wasted when "it's over."
When you're old you go out of your way to be near these people.
When you're young you take a deep breath and jump and hope they're holding
the other end of the line.
They are magic. They are a blessing. They come and pick you up and dust
you off with out ever making you admit that you needed the them, or
explaining exactly how you got to be in that gutter in the first place.
To my best friends, to the people who know me that well and hold me dear,
for pulling me out fo relationships, out of bars, out of cabs, out of sticky
situations and laughing about it the whole way home.
How much i wish i could be nearer to all of you. But one day, when we're
old and full of stories, we'll retire to that old rocker and share the dreams we've lived.
I expect to see you all there.
with my love and my heart,
to all of those who've been there.
(01/21/2003; 09:12pm) - you have to love having no idea what you're doing...
(01/21/2003; 02:20pm) - first go...
It?s so funny to me? this whole ?green lit?thing. (In order to be posted on line you have to be accepted by those who already post.) I understand why it is important, after all who wants to read about people you don?t know or like or care about... but after writing this very heart felt introduction and then contacting bobert, to be told that I then have to gain permission from the group to share what?s special and private to me, knocked my socks off.
It?s great, I take the opposite position of many of my friends, for example, Snash, who many of you know and love, reads these forums frequently, but never posts. It?s a strict thing for her, she won?t get involved, and me?? Well, here I am, involved as always cuz I just can?t stand keeping my hands clean.
It?s just so interesting to watch people who you knew quite well change over time. I would have guessed everyone?s moves well in advance just two years ago. But time and space and freedom from Vassar? it gives everyone time to get their heads flipped around the way they want, or think they want, and all you can do is just sit back and stare. To wonder what each of them would say about letting me post, about letting me be me?when such a short time ago I would have been so confidant in their answers. So many people I care for changing who and what and why they are. The challenging question is in the end of it all are they still recognizable? I am only me and can only see inside my little twisted head, and I know that this time alone that so many of you have already gone through and so many of us are passing through, far more quickly than we could have imagined, has made me only more me. The problem I always have is that not everyone deals very well with the more me, me. It?s like as soon as I graduated I started this universal quest to remember why I am. I mean between graduating and loosing your speech it?s not that uncommon a question.
The first thing I realized is that Vassar makes you mundane, yes, you may all know this, but I was quite surprised to see it in myself. Two, your fears are always greater than the free time you have to think about them in. Since I?ve spent much of the past 9 months doing nothing but trying to entertain myself and running to doctors appointments, I?ve had plenty of that wonderful sweet free time that as soon as I get a real job, I?ll cry at the way I?ve wasted it. In fact, I?m almost wasting it right now, accept that now I have something I should be doing, reading for classes at UCSC, and now it?s procrastination, but frankly it feels much the same. And since there has been so much time, the result is that I?ve been drowning in my insecurities. (Guess what, no one can really think of you as badly as you can. After all not only do you know every terrible thing you?ve ever done, you know all the terrible things you?ve thought about while you did them.) The third thing I?ve learned is that you?re not going any where, and there really is no reason why you were born. This is a lot harder to deal with for me, especially with so much free time and few people my age to talk about it with. (And lets face it when the only people you see are your parents, they have lots of reasons why you were born which are in fact, totally selfish reasons for the fact that they bore you.)
I?m not going any where.
unless I can teach myself the way.
I am here because living is a gift that we all share, and you need company to share
and if that is not a good enough reason for you,
then face it, you were not born for any good reason.
none.
The world is a beautiful and magical place, only if I choose to let it be that way,
because I have only my eyes to see it through.
I am responsible now for all the ways my parents didn?t raise me right.
and I have no excuse for behaving as if I don?t own and control everything that comes out of me
The world around me is on fire with moving, growing, living things, and if I am
unhappy, or if I die, they will not notice, nor is it their responsibility.
I am what makes life worth living, and I have many places to be.
Fourth thing I?ve learned: (age-old wisdom I should have listened to) It?s very easy to make beautiful things come out of the mouth, but very hard to let them come in through the eyes, especially in winter, or when you?re lonely, or when you don?t feel loved, or when it?s very dark, or when you feel particularly lost.
Good thing that the seasons watch out for you and spring?s just around the corner?
(01/20/2003; 10:28pm) - here we go...
So I?ve been thinking lots and lots about what I could do for melounge? I?m not as brave as benny and bobert to let all the world in on their secrets, I?m not a poet, like wil I?m not as well spoken as Andrew, and hours on a computer give me no satisfaction- Kev?s just some sort of twisted god, I?ve grown to accept that fact. But the more I think, the more I realize that it isn?t about quality, or quantity? melounge isn?t about being good or perfect or right? it?s about staying in touch and sharing where we are. And really, I figure that there is a reason we were friends, and that reason is enough to make me write, to fill you in, and to contribute.
Now, the thing for me is that writing in such an open space is really hard. I hate my journals being read by anyone I know, so this is an effort in being honest, being truthful and in exploring the world of things I might not otherwise write about. After all, I?m just positive that everyone cares about my opinions on everything in the world.
The most challenging thing is that this space is broad and open and, my dear friends, we are all opinionated bastards and like sharing those ideas with the world. I am absolutely terrified of writing for any of you, one, because you are all brilliant writers and you went to whatever grade I skipped where they teach you grammar (like where, commas, go, and, why?) and two because I take everything you?ve all ever said to me to heart. So perhaps when reading what I?ve added to our little world, just remember that I am small and female and care way tooo much about everything in the world. I?m not telling you that you can?t shit on whatever I write, hell, destroy it, only what I?ll think more and better, but just remember I?m me, and if you don?t like it, don?t read it.
Since I have to justify everything I do in the world, there?s my little disclaimer.
Welcome to my (truthful) world.
enjoy my contribution?