Contribution
(9/11/2005; 11:45pm) - what do you do when there's nothing left...?
the outside looks just like your mom's house,
excepts for the long yellow water marks tracing the buildings,
and the smell.
and inside?
spoiled furnature, ps2s, TVs, toys, refrigerators on the floor,
and the most amazing mold crawling up the walls...
what do you do when there's nothing left of a huge city like New Orleans?
it's fucking surreal as anything can ever get.
it's like being in a giant IMAX movie with surround sound...
that's fucking 100 degrees and stinks like marsh and mold and rot.
it's almost enough to make you vomit just standing there.
you check houses and spray paint people's doors, windows, cars...
a big florecent X with information about the home, right there for anyone to read:
SPCA F/W 9-12
or
9/12
spca X 0
0
the 0 to the right means no bodies.
i didn't have to go anywhere with any numbers on the right.
when you break into someone's home, their shit is everywhere... it's been floating and now it's a giant smooshie, rotting pile of pillows and tables etc... the TV's knocked over, the computer looks find despite the mold. the controls to the ps2 or still attached...
the kitchen's disgusting, if you haven't fallen through the floor on your way there.
the fridges are all knocked over the same way, door side up. perfect photos of kids and report cards are untouched, still waiting for the family.
if you have to go through any doors, forget it! if they're cheap, they're all swollen in their frames... you can turn the knob but nothing happens. the good news is that the nails don't hold in either... so you can just kick them, and in the fall.
(sorry, i just knocked you're door in, my bad!)
if they had a good quality door, then you're not going anywhere, because there's always shit on the otherside. so you squeeze it open a few inches, enough to shine you're flash light in... see if there's anything in there, or anywhere to go. (that's my least favorite part. i'm always afraid that the infantry and police didn't get in that far... that maybe i'll find something i don't want to see, or worse that what i find will be young.
so you climb back over the fridge and the chairs and the couch and some more stuff and you climb back out the window and the door so you can take off your mask so you can breathe.
you have to wear a mask inside because of the mold...
you're never seen mold like this... it's like bread mold had sex with cheese mold and then got irradiated...
every earthtone color is streaming up the wall. browns, greens, grays, yellows... there's white spots where the mold is sporing... it's all thick, but is particularly 3-D over those places. You can squeesh it down with your finger, and your fingerprint is deep into this growing slime. and it doesn't get inside things that arn't wet, so it frames the pictures on the wall, which still look perfect. you're keys on the rack, just fine, while the mold eats the wall out from behind the rack...
so you climb back out the window, climb back off the porch into the sludge that is still the back yard.
gray dust/dirt/grime covers everything, every blade of grass... the bottom steps... the railings...
you squish-squish back to the front of the house, through some sludge, it's not water... it's yellow... and leaves a trail of jet black behind your boots. some bug's figured out how to live in it... looks like a spider crossed with a cockroach... where the water's dried out a bit there are dead fish... some tiny, some big... like guppies (even a few 3-4 inches) who knows when they sufficated... when they got swept into the city or when the water drained out.
you climb, i mean climb, you can't walk in N.O. everything is under something, be it water or thick mud or debris
so you climb back to the front of some one's house... a house you've just broken into, climbed over their furnature, kicked their doors in and you're now about to spray paint all over the front.
you pull off you're latex gloves... you have two boxes and you throw them right there, on the side walk in front of the house... coming home present.
really, what are you supposed to do with them...
my partner and i thought of everything... no trash cans. you can't bring anything outta the city, it all has to be decontaminated...
fuck, i should have been decon'ed but that would require organization.
you're car and boots get washed in bleach, you get naked in the car on the way home and throw everything out the window, with you're gloves.
i'm really sorry, to whomever's couch i walked on.
and i didn't know what else to do to get through you're doors.
i'm sorry about you're parakeet, it didn't make it.
but you're cat was still there, hiding on the top cabinet in the bathroom...
i brought him out of your house, out of New Orleans... now i hope you can do everything in your power to find him.
and don't worry.
you don't need to go home...
(there isn't anything left)
after a relief trip to NO, Sept '05
(04/03/2005; 11:40pm) - worst/best pick up line EVER!
so i'm walking my dog around 11:30 tonight, just before bed talking to my friend on the phone...
then this guy stops to pet my dog.
he always pets her and she doesn't really like him, but it patient.
he goes talks about how aloof she is and how she's like a cat and says that he saw a guy walking her, maybe my husband or whatever, and i say, oh, yeah, my housemates walk her.
as we're trying to walk off, he then says,
"you know, i have another leash at my house, maybe you can come by and walk me."
i look at him like he's crazy, i'm trying to figure out if he's funny or creepy,
and he sayds, "kinda a lame pick up line, huh?"
to which i respond, "yeah, and i've already got enough on my plate." while i gesture at my dog.
he then continues, "well, is there a way i could (please don't ask for my number!!!) just talk to you?"
i say, "i'm not available"
dude: "are you married?"
me: (i can't lie about this! it's too weird) no, "i'm not married, but i'm very involved."
dude: "then you're not involved. if you're not married, then you're available. anything can happen sweetheart."
and i, STILL ON THE PHONE, walk away.
what the fuck.
i've seen that guy before and I totally always thought he was gay!
(04/02/2005; 04:51pm) - right on to failure... or perhaps, sucess.
i love how easy it is to get most of the right idea, and still have absolutly no idea what's going on.
in fact, to get it ass backwards.
i keep reflecting on how i need, in general, to be secure in my relationships so that i can be myself. and somehow, i keep over looking that i have it totally backwards,
i need to be myself to be comfortable in my relationships.
and we're not just speaking sexual relationships, i'm being more general, friendships, coworkers, the whole fucking shah-bang.
i want someone to tell me that they like me, so that i can relax and be me.
but if i'm not me, why on earth would they like me... beyond that, when i settle down to be myself they'd be like, who the fuck is this?
it's really brilliantly ridiculous.
but while i'm on the in-between,
from concept to actuality...
would you all tell me that i'm wonderful and you like me.
if you're too far away to do it in person you can just send me a nice little "i like you" card in the mail, which is also acceptable.
on to getting my head out of my ass and wrapped around the moment.
(03/03/2005; 09:36pm) - quiet...
sitting,
quietly,
patiently,
contentedly.
watching my two dogs sleep peacefully on the bed.
watching the cat curl carefully in between them.
sitting in, out of the cold, pre-spring-night freeze.
listening to soft music, with soft vocals, singing about soft and lovely things.
feeling the breathe draw in between each rib,
feeling it slide down my throat,
reaching all the way down to my feet, firmly grounded under my chair,
where i sit on this dark, snowy evening
at a desk with soft light in the quiet.
i am here.
right, exactly...
here.
(01/30/2005; 10:10pm) - that moment
it is so amazing,
screw that, it's way past amazing,
it's fucking brilliant,
when you are spending time with someone you know either very well or with a great deal of passion and they look at you, and their eyes tell you every thing they will ever have to say to let you know that are are important in their world.
you are loved.
you are respected.
you are appreciated.
you are adored.
god it is the most wonderful feeling.
peace.
-m-
(12/17/2004; 01:31am) - Esteem
i used to sit up late nights and watch boys i was in love with sleep.
i used to gaze down at them,
at the room they lived in,
at the life we were creating together and i used to write.
language used to flow out of me in a stream of consciousness way that some how in it's blur captured exactly what i thought, what i felt, that conveyed my empathetic understanding of the world to another through limited language.
they got it.
but i haven't done that in a long time
i haven't written words
with flow
with a sense and a style and a confidence
maybe i'm just not the person i was
maybe that was the intent of all this?
maybe that's still broken
maybe it will/can get fixed,
maybe i just have to find a new art form.
and let go.
(09/28/2004; 03:55pm) - so, this is life?
It?s been a while?
So there?s been a boy, or few,
And some general laughter and pain in between?
There?s been some brilliant loving making and some utter ridiculous tears.
Finally got that dog,
Still lack a bike, but the dog?s scared of bikes so I may have to work up her confidence on a vespa, or maybe a bmx.
Sides, when she?s tired she lays down in hot bath and lets me pour water over her, how fuckin cool is that? Plus she?s super warm on me feet at night,
So maybe I can do with out my motorcycle?
In classes, applying to veterinary school?
?the endless plight of ?let me work so hard and give you this beautiful application with all my passion distilled into 800 characters including spaces divided over 10 lines with less than 68 characters per line? so that you can then turn me down and let me know to apply next year because first cycle vet applicants are rarely accepted.
I recently learned that if I listen to music while doing my GRE verbal flashcards, I know all the words and quickly memorize the definitions on those I don?t know instantaneously?
Suspected increased communication between the two halves of my brain due to the bilateral auditory stimulation?
I also recently realized that I don?t seem to know how to use grammar anymore? maybe it?s time to actually learn the rules instead of using that ?feeling? i don?t have anymore.
Fall?s nearly here, winter will be well on her way.
And I plan on bitching extensively about walking my dog in the fucking freezing weather, so be prepared.
(after all I did warn you)
((03/24/200; 11:04pm) - sometimes,
on odd days
and strange night,
you meet someone you didn't expect.
and they strike you in such an odd, familiar way.
bright eyes and an sudden smile that looks
like you might have
once,
perhaps in passing,
seen it before.
and somehow time spent there, like that,
is so easy,
so warm, so fufilling.
what gifts friends can be,
and i am so greatful for them.
-m-
(03/20/200; 02:43am) - sometimes...
sitting up late
drinking, with kids you sort of know,
lost, loving a world you barely live in...
you know,
that you have got to go in a different direction.
which way that is? fuck it...
it's up to you, to me...
but damn.
damn i have to quit my job.
i have a diffferent destiny,
than all this schooling is inclined...
and i'll do that too, but there is a different path.
if i can find it.
-m-
(03/09/2004; 12:02pm) - silly, young, in NYC... the day before i turn 24
i alternately love and hate my job, i love my job, i hate the stupid new boss who makes me run her errands all day and then gives me a hard time for not getting enough done. (and never tells me that i'm doing a good job)
but i love my coworkers and saving animals...
oh well.
i spent some time with the ex boy, who is on spring break... and had to deal with all that crap. (you know that oh shit it's in my face and i have to deal with it type) i can't say that i did well. but i am trying... and besides everyone's expectations of me are rediculous. i know this because my expectations of myself are insane, so how can other people actually want more from me than i do! damn. what ass holes.
the weather here has changed, then been beautiful, then today on my way to work there was freezing rain... and damn, my pants were too long. heh
i'm happy. a lot lost inbetween.
a friend once recommended that i take a break from sex, which i can understand, and maybe even agree with, but even when he's not having sex, he stills spend time with girls... i know you do! aren't they just as distracting as the sex?
i see the point of the intamacy that it creates, but fuck man, all i do is hang out with a guy a couple of times and they want to buy me, carry me off to never never land and watch me be me forever. and that by the way, really fucks up the whole reason i liked them in the first place.
so i have a solution.
i need a dog.
dog or man, man or dog...
this summer, i think it should be dog.
so now i have to only figure out a few key steps, like how dog can go with me everywhere, and import my bad ass dog back from LA and i'll be set.
so now i need a vote:
small shitty car
small shitty motorcycle with side car
????
i've got to learn to ride a bike anyway, and i'm really excited.
then again, i don't really want to die...(and i do have to teach the dog to ride in the side car)
heh.
so, what do you think?