A Dizzy In The Lizzy
(04/20/2003; 12:54am) - I need to write this. I need to get my thoughts out.
Everything changes in the blink of an eye. I have to remember that. Nothing is forever, and you can change your destiny in the blink of an eye. Or a slip of the tongue.
Last night when my girl went to work I went along for the ride. Mayeb I would hang out for a while in the club, whatever. Play it by ear. Prolly meet up with her again in the morning to go out to another club. Any way you cut it, it was going to be a great night. So we're all there bullshitting while she and her coworkers were getting their part of the club ready for business. And I was just joking around with one of her friends there, I don't even know what we were talking about but I brought up some typically offensive Benny-type shit, you know fucking, wife swapping, whatever. Just joshing around but my lady got really really mad. Looking back on it, I shoulda rethought those jokes. I thought she knew that anything I say in jest is purely that- a joke- but when I think back on what I said, I see how that could be really hurtful to hear.
Her mood immediately changed. She stopped making eye contact with me. She stopped talking to me. I was at first shocked that she had taken anything I said seriously; I thought it was clear that I was joking. In retrospect I clearly stepped over a line. A slip of the tongue, and there goes the love of my life.
Whether our relationship is over remains to be seen. She said that she might not ever call me again. The shock of those words put me back into robot mode, the same thing that happened when my mom died. A little bit of myself died along with her and the same thing happened last night. Was my relationship with Steph that fragile, that a few idle words could destroy it? I thought not, but I am still a kid, and I'm still learning about love. Steph and I thouyght we found the loves of our lives. I was really convinced that this was the woman who would see me to my grave, the one who would throw the party to celebrate my life after I die.
Steph has said that she would stand by me to my dying day, in any endeavour that I undertake. That any woman she saw hitting on me she would throw out the window. And she wsn't kidding. I LOVED THAT SHIT. Things like that make me love this woman like I never loved anyone before. And indeed, likewise, I would destroy any person who would hurt her, I would die for her, I would sacrifice my life so that she may continue on with hers. I still would; I love her more than theseawkward words could describe. In Steph I found a love that was more raw and pure than any love I had ever received. This was love with no hangups, no exceptions, no limits.
I thought this was love that was stronger than words, bigger than the sum of its parts. I sincerely hope that I was right, because if that is so, when she decides to speak to me again, we will be able to iron things out. I am so so sorry that I said anything to hurt my love. I haven't cried in months, maybe a year. I haven't felt that bad. But in the past few days I lost it again, the Benny edge that everyone sees, the "whatever" attitude.
A good friend told me about an argument he had with one of his ex's when they were dating: he maintained that anything said in public , any joke, still should not be negative towards your partner because the two of you have an undertsnsding based on mutual respect and trust and anything negative said in front of others, at the expense of your partner, violates that trust. He is so right. Live and learn Benny, live and learn and if you make it through this with your love intact DON'T EVER FUCK UP LIKE THAT AGAIN. And if you don't, please do not make the same mistake again. Please because I NEVER want to feel this way again.
Knowing that you had the best and that you lost it because you were an idiot is the worst feeling in the world. It's evern worse than having the best and losing it through uncontrollable circumstances (i.e. my mom) and worse than never having the best at all. It's only animal cruelty if you untie a veal and show it what freedom is like. Otherwise it never knows what it is missing. I know what I am missing. It is the love of my life. She's here somewhere in this crazy city, and she's pissed and hurt, and knowing that makes me want to die. I am so so sorry.
-B out to wander
(03/21/2003; 06:24pm) - You are alive, goddamnit.
Friday afternoon, work is over.
I'm still here but the phone have stopped ringing and I took and hour and 15 min out of my day for a trip to the gym so sitting here at 6:30 PM on a friday when everyone has left the office doens't seem so bad. I have nothing really to do tonight, my GF is working and going straight from working at a club to working at a huge party so she's gonna be off somewhere in the middle of insanity for the next... oh... 36 hours.
She threatened to bring a few gimps back from the party to clean her house for her. She asked me how I would feel if I came to her place and found a few gimps cleaning the floor with toothbrushes. I attempted to answer honestly. The honest answer would be, "Uhh, okay baby either the gimps leave now or I leave." The fantasy answer, which is much more thrilling, is that I would go apeshit on them (they are gimps after all) and I would beat them all into oblivion with Hibben Fantasy Knives and a baseball bat.
Needless to say I was telling her all this at work and my coworkers, average Joes from Jersey and LI, think I'm insane.
Things with the girl are fantastically great. Every once in awhile we get the uncontrollable urges to tell each other how great the other is... why we love each other. This is love, and it's great, and we're like Frik and Frak and pretty much everyone is jealous.
Haha!
Work this week was busy but I've begun doing more graphic design-type projects and getting plenty of praise and I think my professionalism and creativity is showing through. Not that that will really get me anywhere in terms of my career or salary, but it's nice to hear "Wow, you're getting really good at that!" from my boss...
So now what? We're in a war but I don't care because I'm in love. I don't support my President or the political shenanigans of our politicians but what can one Benny do besides vote for someone respectable next election? It's pouring out and I have no plans on a friday evening but I don't mind either of those things. I am leaving work fulfilled and energetic and full of wonder and awe at how FUCKING REAL everything has gotten lately. The cycle of life and death is right up in your face now, and you can't help but to appreciate your life, no matter how it seems to be going.
Lucky to be alive, lucky to have enough money to be able to squander some if it on the weekends, to have enough resources to own a pair of sneakers SOLELY for the gym, to be able to take functional public transportation home from my cozy job and buy whatever the hell I want for dinner on my way. Pick up my laundry from the Chinese lady across the street because I'm just that lazy, I have that much money, and that many clothes. Decadent? Yes. Do I appreciate how much better I have it than 99% of the planet? Yes.
You are alive, it's a fucking miracle, now go out and celebrate because I don't know about you but I have a maximum of about 80 years left here on this Earth and I'm gonna cram as much fun shit into that as I can. And I could still step out onto Lexington Avenue in 5 minutes and get squashed by a cab, so I gotta start cramming the fun in now, like frat boys cramming into a VW Beetle.
It's a fucking miracle.
Go out and celebrate.
Are you listening?
(03/15/2003; 10:30pm) - I made it great, I did!
Wow, I haven't blogged in a week. It's not that it's been hectic, at least no more hectic than usual.
I guess in my free time I have been hanging with my GF a lot. WHich is the absolute most fun thing I
could possibly do. And I think when I'm having a great time with her I never feel like I should blog
because what is going on in my head is all out on the table and it all has to do with her. And how
many times can I post "This girl fucking RULES!!!"???
Tuesday when it was really nice I took the morning and spent it with Steph and walked ALL AROUND
the city, went to the gym, basically had a great day. Later in the afternoon, despite her protests
and my disctinct desire to do otherwise, I went into work and actually put in a full workday. Left
at 8 something PM, got a ton of stuff done. In fact this whole week at work, with everything blowing
up around us int he Marketing Dept, I have kept my cool and did everything efficiently and well.
Very productive week.
I have been to the gym 6 out of the past 8 days, going at lunchtime for a short run and a short,
concentrated workout. That little break in the middle of my workday makes me more productive
in the afternoon, more alert, more energy. Plus I'm getting fitter and fitter, so it's just great...
I feel very healthy. YAY! Okay enough of this blog shit, I'm off to Queens to go to a house party.
B out, craziness.
(03/07/2003; 04:06pm) - Ripped fuel, flipped rule.
Went to the gym during lunch and boy did it feel great. I limited my run and my lifting due to time constraints and managed to keep the entire thing to 1 hr 15 min door-to-door, which isn't too bad considering I worked a shower in there too. So at 3PM, my normal "I wanna die" time here at work, I was raring to go, productive and happy and energized. It was great! I'm going back tomorrow, and the next day.
I hope to make this lunch workout a part of my daily routine. I'll be ripped in a few months if I go to the gym every day.
Off I go now to eat some food.
B out, kicking and screaming
in a good way
(03/06/2003; 12:38am) - Crunching through the workday, sleep is a commodity
Been tired lately, more so than one would expect after my crazy weekends. I've been passing out ealry and waking up groggy after 10-12 hours of sleep every night this week. Haven't been to the gym in weeks, although I have lifted at home on occasion. I figure there's a connection and therefore I am biting the bullet and signing up for my corporate membership at crunch. Dues to be taken directly out of my paycheck. I'm really excited; I realized today that without a real gym to go to (barring Bally's, which is not a real gym) I have felt sorta homeless.
If my membership is processed quickly, I may be able to spend the whole weekend working out. Cool!
So for now, until my brother and I figure out what to do about Bally's, I will be paying for two gym memberships. I can't really afford to do that on my meager salary but hey, that's life. At least I'll be in shape and have energy.
Best part is Crunch is 2 blocks from work so I can go work out during lunch! Sweet.
B out, time to eat some lunch.
(03/02/2003; 06:00am) - http://www.alex-in-wonderland.com/GirlsWithGuns/Pictures/PhotoIndex1.html
Well, the chill weekend is going well. I'm chillin right now!
Last night: saw a friend's ex-BF's band play at Don Hill's. Yes, I went back there.
I made it clear that I didn't like that place, but as it turns out, my friend doesn't
like it either, so we heard this band and then busted out.
(We may recall the
disastrous Don Hills night I had a few months ago. I lost my coat check ticket,
spent $70 at the bar because I stupidly opened a tab, lost my cellie in the cab
on my way home -$100 more- and drunkenly broke off the key to my apartment
door -$50 more for locksmith- in the lock. It was a mess.)
I went to bed sorta early for me on a friday. No messes made at Don Hill's this time.
Today: Woke up, ate, lifted weights. Kicked around. Met GF on her way to work. Rode
train with her. Such a sexy woman. Went to Rodeo Bar in east 20s to meet my brother.
It was his coworker's B-Day. Fun times were had, I left earlyish, as he did. I am now
home surfing, watching TV, and chillin.
A boon for tomorrow: Road trip time! My GF was going to go out with friends tomorrow
but there's a clause in her hanging-out contract that states that her plans are subject to
change at any time with no warning. So she and I are going on a road trip! (Much better idea
on my end!)
As always, no news is good news.
B out
(02/27/2003; 01:32pm) - TheMatic
I'm enjoying applying a theme to my weekends! Last weekend was "I'm gonna make this weekend fun" weekend. That was great, but by Sunday I realized that I was severely behind in sleep and no matter what I wanted to do, sleep was neccessary to allow me to do that. I took Monday off to recover. Conveniently I got to spend the day in bed with my lovely lady.
This upcoming weekend is going to be my "Chill Weekend." Now I'm not saying I'm not going out, nor am I saying I'm going to stay completely sober, but my goal this weekend is to catch up on sleep. Every day this week, I've woken up at 8AM and wished I could sleep 4 more hours. So this weekend I'm gonna sleep as much as possible. I already know I'm going out with a friend friday night, but the venue I'm going to and my friend's sobriety will help me to call it an early night. Perhaps Saturday I will go to the gym and kick around. Maybe play some PS2 with the boys. I think my lady is going out with some friends on Saturday so that means I will have quiet Benny time anyway.
Sunday? Who knows? I haven't seen my GF all week because I keep passing out all early (well, except to give her the ring on Tuesday night!) so hopefully I'll get to hang with her at least part of the weekend.
Till next time
B out
(02/26/2003; 12:20am) - The promise ring.
Finally, last night I was able to give my GF her very belated V-Day present.
She loves silver and hates gold and the only stone she likes is the diamond.
And she loves Tiffany & Co.
Curious, I went to the T & Co website and discovered a beautiful, basic silver
band ring inset with a tiny diamond and I knew she would love it. It took me
forever to get ahold of because I guess every guy around Valentine's Day is
trying to get something from Tiffany for his GF, and they were sold out of
what I wanted.
Long story short, I gave it to her last night. She had no idea what I was
getting for her. She's ecstatic. She loves it. YAY!
Of course it looks a lot like an engagement ring or something, so people may
freak out when they see her wearing it but that's not what it means to me at
all, it's simply a promise that I will hold true to the principles of our
rock-solid relationship. And if it helps her by repelling a few of the asshole
guys that constantly make her life hell by hitting on her, even after she tells
them that she has a boyfriend, then that's an extra added bonus.
Plus it's the first time I've bought a diamond, or any sort of "real" jewelery,
for anyone so I'm pretty excited. This is fthe first girl who's deserved one.
I told her there are two things that last forever, a diamond and my promise to her.
And she may pop up on our fora, so be prepared.
(02/24/2003; 01:12am) - Things go bump in the night.
The things you can learn when you watch TV all night:
If you give a dog a Rorschach ink blot test and ask him what it makes him think of,
his answer will be "bacon" every time.
(02/22/2003; 12:50pm) - I didn't forget.
February 22nd, 1943.
My mom, Beth Elgot, was born in Detroit. She had a twin brother, my uncle Mark. He lives outside
Seattle where it's probably raining today, as it is here in NYC, as it is in the minds of anyone who
ever met Beth Elgot Kline.
She would have turned 60 years old today had she not succumbed, after a 10+ year battle, to breast
cancer. That was May 27th, 2001, just after I graduated from Vassar College.
I'm not sad, it's still a great weekend. I will remember her strength and infinitely deep love today
and forever more.