A Dizzy In The Lizzy

Decisions, decisions...

(12/09/2002; 02:13pm) - Decisions, decisions...

I've gotten a couple of eVites to my ex-GF's X-Mas party. Not only did I not reply to them but I took myself off of the eVite guest list (thanks eVite!). I thought that action would speak for itself but it was actually her roommate who sent out the eVite so I don't think she got the message.

So in a carefully orchestrated move, she called me last night from a number which was not programmed into my cell phone. It was strange, she caught me off-guard this time; the last 3 times she called I was able to send her to voice mail and not talk to her. The first thing she asked me (3 times, no less) was if everything was alright. As in, why hadn't I called her back? I ignored the question. After a relatively pleasant conversation, she informed me that she was having an X-Mas party tonight and she'd really really love it if I could come. I said I would try to drop by and took down her address. Why did I say that? I'm not sure, but the surprise phone call did not allow me to prepare for what I really wanted to say, which is:

"How can I possibly be friends with someone who made me feel worse about myself than anyone else ever has? Why do I want to reopen that old wound? What makes you think you deserve the priveledge of my friendship?" and all sorts of drivel like that.

My wonderful and understanding GF said that I should go, but I kinda don't want to. My GF has a one-strike-you're-out policy with people she associates with: if they fuck up, then fuck em. Who needs friends that make you feel shitty or fuck you over? That's a pretty awesome way to be happy all the time: don't stand for people fucking with you.

And it's a way of living that I'm trying to adopt. So if I go to this party, it means I've caved in a bit. And I don't want my ex to have any control over my life at all, which is why I've beed debating not going tonight.

Or, alternatively, showing up and explaining to my ex that I did indeed know about the party and that I lied to her last night when I said I hadn't gotten the eVite. And that I don't want to be friends with someone who has made me feel as bad as she did. And to have a good life, and don't call me anymore.

That would make me feel good.
But as I read back over what I just wrote I realize that I've already lost; I've already devoted quite a bit of thought to this and in doing so, I have let my ex exert control over my life again, which is exactly what I was trying to keep from happening. All this pisses me off to no end.

After talking to my GF last night I decided to not decide until this evening. If I feel like going, I'll go. If not, then I just won't go.

Annoyingly, today I A) decided definitely NOT to go
and B) decided to go but to show up at my leisure and leave after an hour.

About to cave in like a Roofied 16-yr-old at a frat party...

B, still on the fence, out.