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(05/09/2004; 11:05am) - awkward

i know my girlfriend would look much better with radically reconstructive facial plastic surgery. but i how do i broach the topic?

(04/29/2004; 12:59pm) - svester

my sister is really pissing me off. she won't stop calling me lately. don't get me wrong, i love my sister and everything. we generally talk once a week or so, but lately it's every other day. she's taken to telling me all about the boring things that go on at her job, and all about her stupid coworkers. her coworker jean's sister gina's exboyfriend just started dating a new girl, and now gina's pregnant. so the exboyfriend was going to get back together with gina because he assumed he was the father, and then gina had to tell the exboyfriend, jeff, that it might not be his because she slept with like 5 guys when they were together. so jeff is relieved and pissed at the same time because he doesn't have to get back together with gina, but he still might be a father, and gina's a lying bitch (which is why he broke up with her in the first place, but he thought she was only lying about stealing his car, not sleeping with like 5 other guys).

so why does my sister think i give a shit?

(03/08/2004; 01:32am) - repetition

whenever i feel like everything's been done before, i like to kill a cat, because clearly, no one's ever killed that cat before.

(02/24/2004; 04:20pm) - england

if you only speak english, like me, england's the only foreign country you can know what food you're ordering, yet you still probably won't be happy with it

(12/12/2003; 04:43pm) - thought experiment

magine a void...
no really imagine a void...don't worry, i'll wait.

okay, now i bet that void is black, right? well how can you tell, if you're there, it's not a void is it? okay, try again...



...still nothing?

man, you're terrible at this. i'll check back with you in like, 2 years or something. dumbass.

(11/21/2003; 03:22pm) - lose weight fast!

gotta look good in that gortex! winter is almost here, is your body looking as good as it needs to for this holiday season? you can't have flabby shoulder fat hanging out of your reindeer sweater! what are the guys (or girls *wink*) going to say when your buns droop out of your ski pants? not, "would you like to have a drink in the ski lodge with me," that's for sure. when you get up in the morning and look in the mirror, do you say, "holy geez, i'm a chubbo." if so, then lose some weight, beach ball, and do it fast, scarf season is right around the corner.

(11/11/2003; 02:40pm) - not for resale

i bought a pack of skittles today from a local deli, and written right on the bag was "individually packaged, not for resale." but i bought it at a deli. what am i supposed to do? i told joan at the plant and she said to let it slide. but i'm just not sure. i participated in a criminal act. i should have read the bag carefully before purchasing it...i usually do, but i was in a hurry, and i just wanted some skittles. i think i'll go back there tomorrow, and if he's still hocking those babies, i'll alert proper soon as i find out who that would be.

(10/20/2003; 03:16pm) - A Fond Letter

Dear Mr. Morgan,
Thank you so much for your resounding hospitality this weekend. My wife and I had an experience we'll never forget. All of those people all of those prostheses, well, we've never felt more at home. As I'm sure you understand, we have a hard time feeling welcome, and with you I felt more welcome than I do in my own house. You can be assured that you'll be seeing us again. We might even host at our house some time in the near future, provided we can find enough gloves. I could go on forever, but I've got to get back to my puppies.
Gary Jensen

p.s. You can keep the 'tip'.

(10/02/2003; 03:03pm) - directions

turn left.
remember that girl from high school?
i suppose that was a long time ago.
she was the only thing that meant anything to you.
now you don't even remember her parent's names.
i guess it's not important.

(09/22/2003; 01:43pm) - helpful hints

when cleaning a rhinoceros's horn, use a brillo pad. they come with cleaning solution inside the pad, so all you need is a little water (which is usually all you have in the middle of tanzania).
don't be afraid, to really scrub it good. don't worry, they won't feel a thing.

cheryl craig is a regular columnist who's syndicated weekly column helpful hints appears in papers worldwide.