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(09/15/2003; 11:50am) - routine

when i get up in the morning, i try not to think, "what am i going to do today without my arms?" because it's probably unhealthy, and i should think more positively. that's what everyone keeps telling me, but i can't help it. the thing is, it's really difficult because I HAVE NO FUCKING ARMS! YOU TRY TO GET OVER SOMETHING LIKE HAVING NO ARMS, PUSSY! IT'S HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU GO TO HIT THE SNOOZE ALARM, AND IT KEEPS ON BEEPING; YOU REACH FOR THE SOAP, AND IT JUST SITS THERE; YOU STEP ON THE GAS, BUT THE WHEEL DOESN'T TURN. FORGETTING ABOUT IT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE, YOU MIGHT FIND!

*note: today's ...ish has been typed by toes*

(09/10/2003; 08:38pm) - famous last words

i'm never going to space again. everyone was so rude, and my table service was terrible. and the cuisine was hardly "universal" it was more like regular food from Earth, with just a couple of Mars spices...WHICH YOU CAN GET ON EARTH! the music act was so boring. i'd never seen any of the instruments before, which normally is interesting, but it all ended sounding like the equivalent of hair gently falling to the floor in barber shop. when i voiced this complaint to the manager, he replied "perhaps you're not the universal sofisticate your badge would imply." if there's one thing i can't stand it's haughty space jerks. i'm sticking to regular old crappy earth from now on. except, of course, for interstellar whore houses. there's no other place to get that, that...feeling.

(09/09/2003; 10:01am) - pain

i don't deal well with pain. i was supposed to have my wisdom teeth out for like 3 years now, but i don't care. i'm not going to do it. i mean like even if i wanted to have a child. it's like, i couldn't actually bear a child. you know what i mean?

(09/08/2003; 12:53am) - announcement

this bus has been checked for sleeping children.

(09/04/2003; 01:32pm) - coming to terms

today i met the woman i'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

(08/29/2003; 09:57am) - idle threats

i swear to god if this steve doesn't shut the fuck up i'm going to throtle him. give me 14 copies of 16B. god, shut the fuck up! he doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. he's wearing that shirt and that fucking tie again. who wears paisley ties? paisley is for boxer shorts. goddamit, what is paisley? what a stupid pattern, it doesn't even make any sense. man, that steve is going to get it. yesterday he came in here and was all, i need that counter report so i can finish the recall on the washers. i almost punched him right there, with his combover. he's not even bald! no wonder his marriage is in trouble. i mean, i've been divorced three times, but at least i get a decent hair cut at super cuts. unlike SOME PEOPLE...NAMED STEVE. i'll give him one more day, and if he pulls this shit again i'm gonna, i swear i'll...right i hate that guy.

(08/19/2003; 02:21am) - addiction

i sneered at the guy when he handed me a double cappucino with no java jacket. he probably thought i didn't like gay people.

(07/24/2003; 02:20pm) - last will and testament (first draft)

when i'm dead, i want all of my remains burnt, then the ashes compressed into a diamond. then i want that diamond to be used in a really big laser. then i want that laser shot at something really awesome, like a mountain that no one is using so that it totally blows up. then i want the ashes from the blown up mountain to be compressed into a bigger diamond, put into a really big laser, and shot at a planet or a star or something. then i want the original me diamond (with or without the laser) thrown into the black hole created by the blown up star or planet. whoever does that can have all my stuff.

(07/21/2003; 11:14am) - not a chance

Carol wants a dog like crazy. I hate dogs. I'd like to say I'd do anything for Carol, but I can't. I can't live with something I hate. When I told her I didn't want a dog she said, "Well then maybe we should just have a baby." Right, that's exactly what my career needs. Why can't she just be happy with the turtle? It's a great turtle.

(07/08/2003; 09:53am) - squats

10 - 145 lbs
6 - 155 lbs
4 - 165 lbs