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(10/24/2007; 09:07am) - perception

i can't tell if i'm balding or got a bad haircut.

(10/02/2005; 09:24pm) - imagine...

if all the world's peanut butter and jelly were magically switched in one moment, (all peanut butter became jelly, all jelly became peanut butter) how many people would be inconvienienced?

(06/24/2005; 09:25am) - a little different from mlk's dream

i had a dream last night. we were both deserted on a deserted island. you had the magical ability to turn coconuts into pork chops, but we were both eaten by boars.

(06/08/2005; 09:34am) - theology

if god made us in his image, who made the people on the bus?

(04/13/2005; 09:28pm) - frats

the worst part of my freshman pledge had to be margorilla night. a margorilla is a drink one of the seniors (whose dad worked at a barbershop) invented. it's basically tequilla and clumps of hair clippings from the barbershop floor. anyone who wanted to be in cappa beta pi had to drink three in one night. i drank six just to show them who's boss. i swear to this day i still find hair in my poo.

(03/09/2005; 09:28pm) - pay attention!

focus. focus. focus on the negative.
it's the only way to improve.

(11/16/2004; 02:29pm) - gaybars

here are some names for gay bars that i don't think are used. however, i don't have a lot of gay bar experience, so i really have no idea.

member's only
cahk shack
la villa del homo or le maison de homo (don't know if my cases/parts of speech are good, i'm not gay after all)
men's room
the closet
end of the rainbow
fruit juice
cocks and tails (more of a gay pub, really)
fella cellar

what? lesbian bars? okay.
clam wagon
rosie o'donnel's
the silk curtain

okay, i don't have any more of these. most of my ideas sound more like strip clubs, or they're too offensive for signage.
feel free to use any of these for your gay/lesbian bar, but send me a check (or a link to the bathroom webcam).

(09/27/2004; 11:03am) - morning

you know, if you think about it, coffee grounds are really nothing more than ground up coffee beans.

(07/20/2004; 11:15am) - parenthetically speaking

(between you and me, i'm not even sure he's a real doctor. lisa went to see him last week because she had a throbbing pain in her toe that wouldn't go away. he ordered some x-rays, which seemed like a perfectly doctorly thing to do, but when the x-rays came back, he glanced at them quickly and said, "mmhmm. it's as i suspected. too many ferry boat rides." she looked at him funny and asked, "too many ferry boat rides?" "no, no," he replied, "the emphasis is on boat. too many ferry boat rides." she left the office confused. she wasn't sure she'd ever been on a ferry boat. she went to dr. memmelstein for a second opinion, and he said it was from stubbing her toe on the dining room table. he told her to take some advil, and it would feel better in a week. a week later it felt fine. i'm not sure about that other guy. he was handsome like a doctor, though.)

(06/25/2004; 03:37pm) - aviation

even if people were naturally covered with feathers, we still probably wouldn't be able to fly. i mean, like, not at all.