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well, sometimes you just have to accept it to get on with life.

(01/26/2003; 12:11pm) - well, sometimes you just have to accept it to get on with life.

So this weekend I took a really big step in getting my life together. I waited and waited until that point where I had to admit that a lot of stuff in my mind was simply going to shit. I finally bit the bullet and went back on medication for my anxiety disorder.
Now, it?s terribly interesting to me that I don?t like that I need medication for help, especially since in this culture it?s widely seen as weakness. But, it?s funny because this is what I study (all that biopsych and chem crap) and I know exactly what it does and why it helps. I know that best and most proper ways to use it and how and when it is a good idea to try to get off it. (General hint, it is bad to stop taking SSRI medication while having surgery in the hospital when you?ve just graduated from college and are moving back across the country, but you know, try to tell the doctors that!) The key thing is that for me I lack the stability and confidence in myself (no shit, really?) But everyone lacks these things; the difference is the way that I choose to deal with it. Rather than worrying and going on with my days I get rather trapped in my own creative and expansive mind. Doing anything is scary because it brings out the risk of having panic take over my life. And for those of you who have seen me when I?m in trouble, I don?t look to bad. (I hide it brilliantly.) Some of you have seen me in trouble when I fail to hide it, or know me better and it can be a bit overwhelming.
One of the last times I was really in trouble for more that a day was when I was in NYC last October staying with Andrew and Bobert. Hey guys, did you wonder why I was never there? Because I was to busy sitting in the Met crying while looking at the art trying to figure out how to put my life back together (but really it?s never about putting your life back, your life is fine, it?s about figuring out how ?not to be scared? every moment of everyday.)
Now this sounds terribly silly, no one should be scared so much, especially some one who has no reason. I have no reason to be frightened of anything: my family has enough money to always take care of me, they would always look out for me, I have kind friends and a good sense of self preservation? but still I get utterly freaked about all sorts of things.
Once when I was sitting with Kate Harrell at the diner by Vassar, some time in ?99 we were talking about suicide and I said that I was never suicidal, although sometimes I feel like I would have to kill myself to make the anxiety stop. Actually, I think I said I would do anything to be rid of my skin. And I asked her if she knew what I meant, and she looked at me real funny and said that she did, sort of. It was one of the first times I ever realized that other people don?t live like me.
So, I?ve been hanging in there for a long time. It took a lot of help and a little bit convincing to get me to start meds the first time, and this time, I was much more willing and all the help I had before came back in my mind. So I?ve spent the weekend in the bath watching movies on my computer waiting for the initial, uncomfortable effects of these drugs to wear off so that I can go back to life and start feeling like there is a purpose and a good reason for what I?m doing. Actually, it feels great.
So, I?m not exactly in the best space to debate whether or not drugs are a good idea. For me they are a very good idea, otherwise you would all probably never see me again. I just wanted to tell you about my weekend, and why I didn?t write anything grand for you all.
So that?s my major life acceptance and change, at least, for this weekend.
Night all.