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A Dizzy In The Lizzy

(06/01/2003; 09:42pm) - It's such a perfect day...

...I'm glad that I spent it with you.

(05/19/2003; 05:17pm) - Are you okay?

Yes. Yes, I'm okay, I can say that with authority.
In fact, I'm great.
I'm ecstatically happy and so deeply in love... and that's where the wall goes up. None of you are allowed to peek in anymore. Things have changed on the inside, in here. And it's not for public consumption anymore.
No sweat off my back.

Sorry if any of you feel left out, but I've found that most people can't relate anyway.

Kaiser Soze

(05/17/2003; 10:57pm) - Oh, it is ON tonight!

Time to FRIKKIN PARTY Mr Bigglesworth!!!! Mwahahahaaa!!!

This may be more fun than summers in Rangoon, luge lessons, meat helmets... Nice.

Perfect day, woke up at noon, played frisbee in the park with some friends, ate at my new favorite diner, phoned a friend, saw my girl, going to the club. Awesome. I'm still pretty much broke, but who the fu@k cares? There are more paychecks on the way, and until then I will be eating 3 or 4 eggs every day for brekkie, and PB&J for lunch. And a healthy dinner! Oh well. I'm 24, this is how it's supposed to be, I guess.

Later kiddies

(05/06/2003; 10:35am) - HEY! DON'T BE BROKEN!


Ack. We'll call that Black Monday. And we'll forget about it. Delete file.


C:/Would you like to Uninstall? Y/N



C:/Are you sure you want to restart your computer?



(05/06/2003; 06:05pm) - ...and now for something completely different:

Tommy: "Layin the d!ck down all over Hartford and Mass..."

The past few posts here have been pretty heavy.

Today I got a phone call that lightened things up:

My boy Tommy from home just called to tell me that he was doing his rain dance. When it rains it pours, as we all know, and he just "got off one girl" and he's going to see the next. I guess he's
screwing 3 different girls right now, a black chick, a Puetro Rican chick and a white chick. I think two of the three of them are massage therapists and to say that he's getting Happy Endings is an
understatement. He's been in a rut as of late and this is just the sort of thing he needs to break out of it.

He and I used to be the fucking dudes, those guys that made the party happen. We were the hubs of the party wheel, everything rotated around us. And that's the way it should be. We both went through
some really fucking lame shit in the past few years and we lost our party spirit. With the help of my lovely lady I've found mine again, and now so has Tommy.

So do your rain dance, kid. Lay your pipe, stink like pussy, give off your pheromones.
You're my hero.
Be safe and be naughty. Fuck all night, sleep all day. This is your life, live it up. I know I am.

Fuck YEAH!!!!!!!

Still shakin my head in awe and disbelief.
Tommy's back in action, look out!

(05/05/2003; 02:02pm) - And so it goes, and so it goes....

They say the brightest fires burn shortest. Or maybe it's "The hottest fires burn fastest." Or whatever the saying is, they're right.
Cash out while you're ahead.
...or maybe not.

It's not time yet.
This is not the end, not by a long shot.

No way.

Frik & Frak.
Let's go, the world beckons.

It feels nice to smile again, no matter how tenative.

(05/01/2003; 12:34am) - I am doing the wolf-spider dance, can you see it?

Today is a dark day. Staying home from work b/c I cannot deal with the world. GF has run away from the city and me, I suppose temporarily. My head is spinning. Trying to figure out why this is happening, why what I once thought was rock-solid now seems to be as ethereal as a fog...

I have always tried to be the most loving, thoughtful, caring boyfriend and attentive lover as I could. I have failed on all accounts. The past week has alternated hours of decadent ecstacy with days of mental anguish. I do not know the direction that this is going in. Ideally I would like to live out the rest of my years with this woman by my side. But I cannot go on living like this, I cannot adjust this quickly to these radical emotional changes.

This will kill me. It has to stop.

In the past month I have changed from a fit, happy, confident guy with a good job into a lazy, angry asshole who rarely goes to work and never goes to the gym. I have no more money. I have alienated my friends and forgotten about my family. I am a bad person and I hate it. My old friends from home rarely call, my current friends are baffled, my family seems worried, my girlfriend tells me I suck. I know I am fucking up.

This is a dark day.

(04/27/2003; 12:39pm) - Happy 24th Birthday Stephanie!!!

You are the most amazing and wonderful woman, and I love you so much it's really insane.
Your electricity, your drive and determination, your unshakable and unwaivering sense of
self are all to be admired. You stop traffic, you send men into lusting rages and women into
fits of jealousy. You don't take any shit from anyone.

Loving you is the both the easiest and most challenging thing I have ever done. Falling in love with
you happened so fast that I never noticed it until I was in past the point of no return. I regret
nothing I have ever done with you.

You have taught me so much about myself, what I need in my life and what I don't. You taught
me what it means to really trust someone, to truly love someone with no hang-ups or boundaries.
You taught me that unleashing my anger, voicing my frustrations and speaking my mind, no
matter how insane my thoughts are, are all OK.

"Together we are stronger than we are alone," you said. You are completely right, baby.
With you by my side, as my partner in life, I am a stronger man than I would be alone.

And so I love you, I love you, I love you.

Happy 24th Birthday, my Diva.

your Benny

(04/24/2003; 05:26pm) - - = FOR FUTURE REFERENCE = -

You learn new things every day. Or, you do if you keep your eyes open.
This is what I have learned lately (writing these thoughts down are is much for my benefit as it is for your entertainment):

1) Love has ups and downs like any other endeavor. The key is to savor and remember the ups, and minimize the emotional impact of the downs. Try to learn from the down times but also try to forget them; they are not the important parts.
The down points serve to give you frame of reference by which you may appreciate the up times.

2) It's never as bad as you think it is in the moment. Avoid tunnel vision; the big picture is usually better than you think.

3) Life is tumultous. Some people thrive on chaos. Some thrive on stability. Figure out which one centers you and gravitate towards that. For me, emotional stability is very important. A graph of my emotions will ideally have a low altitude and a low frequency. It is important to understand that everyone's emotional cycle is different. The next time chaos and emotional turmoil is thrown into my face I am going to attempt to confront with it a zen-like attitude.

A friend recently told me that I am a rock in the midst of a roaring river, or something along those lines (thanks dude). I sorta like that idea; that image will hopefully guide me and help me through the next hullabaloo.

4) If you don't like something, change it. Tired of your scene? Find a new one. Tired of your company? Go somewhere else. Getting caught up in life's hecticness? Go for a walk, away from the frenzy. Go find a nice place where you can collect yourself.

This all sounds very lovey-dovey, let's-watch-Bob-Ross-paint-then-go-hug-trees.... So be it.
I guess I am multifaceted and this is one of my facets.
This may be the most personally useful blog entry I've ever written.
Here's to more of the same.

I think I'll leave the office now.


(04/22/2003; 11:20am) - At ease, soldier.

Just as quickly as it developed, the whirlwind was over.

There was no permanant damage to the town; the twister ripped through a cornfield and terrified the residents of the peaceful town, but when it died out everybody was safe and sound. Old Man McDermott's tractor was found on its side. Helen Tempey's henhouse was more or less dismantled, blown away into the wind, but her hens were found together, clustered near her grain silo. And the Lansbury family farm lost power for a couple of days. But that was the extent of the physical damage: hardly anything worth noting. The community as a whole is a little more wary, a little more attuned to the changing winds, but safe. And that's the important part.

Life in the sleepy town will go on as it did before, everyone will go about their daily business and try recover from the terror they experienced. Needless to say, there's no way to forget about the blackness of the storm; to do so would be foolhardy. It's simply a matter of watching the skies carefully and being able to predict when something like this will happen again so that it may be avoided. Anyone caught in a storm like that has only himself to blame.

"Once bitten, twice shy." I stopped a farmer as he passed through town to get his take on the storm. "We got lucky this time."

He hunched over the steering wheel of his old truck and looked off towards the horizon, towards the gathering clouds.

"We got lucky."

(04/20/2003; 12:54am) - I need to write this. I need to get my thoughts out.

Everything changes in the blink of an eye. I have to remember that. Nothing is forever, and you can change your destiny in the blink of an eye. Or a slip of the tongue.

Last night when my girl went to work I went along for the ride. Mayeb I would hang out for a while in the club, whatever. Play it by ear. Prolly meet up with her again in the morning to go out to another club. Any way you cut it, it was going to be a great night. So we're all there bullshitting while she and her coworkers were getting their part of the club ready for business. And I was just joking around with one of her friends there, I don't even know what we were talking about but I brought up some typically offensive Benny-type shit, you know fucking, wife swapping, whatever. Just joshing around but my lady got really really mad. Looking back on it, I shoulda rethought those jokes. I thought she knew that anything I say in jest is purely that- a joke- but when I think back on what I said, I see how that could be really hurtful to hear.

Her mood immediately changed. She stopped making eye contact with me. She stopped talking to me. I was at first shocked that she had taken anything I said seriously; I thought it was clear that I was joking. In retrospect I clearly stepped over a line. A slip of the tongue, and there goes the love of my life.

Whether our relationship is over remains to be seen. She said that she might not ever call me again. The shock of those words put me back into robot mode, the same thing that happened when my mom died. A little bit of myself died along with her and the same thing happened last night. Was my relationship with Steph that fragile, that a few idle words could destroy it? I thought not, but I am still a kid, and I'm still learning about love. Steph and I thouyght we found the loves of our lives. I was really convinced that this was the woman who would see me to my grave, the one who would throw the party to celebrate my life after I die.

Steph has said that she would stand by me to my dying day, in any endeavour that I undertake. That any woman she saw hitting on me she would throw out the window. And she wsn't kidding. I LOVED THAT SHIT. Things like that make me love this woman like I never loved anyone before. And indeed, likewise, I would destroy any person who would hurt her, I would die for her, I would sacrifice my life so that she may continue on with hers. I still would; I love her more than theseawkward words could describe. In Steph I found a love that was more raw and pure than any love I had ever received. This was love with no hangups, no exceptions, no limits.

I thought this was love that was stronger than words, bigger than the sum of its parts. I sincerely hope that I was right, because if that is so, when she decides to speak to me again, we will be able to iron things out. I am so so sorry that I said anything to hurt my love. I haven't cried in months, maybe a year. I haven't felt that bad. But in the past few days I lost it again, the Benny edge that everyone sees, the "whatever" attitude.

A good friend told me about an argument he had with one of his ex's when they were dating: he maintained that anything said in public , any joke, still should not be negative towards your partner because the two of you have an undertsnsding based on mutual respect and trust and anything negative said in front of others, at the expense of your partner, violates that trust. He is so right. Live and learn Benny, live and learn and if you make it through this with your love intact DON'T EVER FUCK UP LIKE THAT AGAIN. And if you don't, please do not make the same mistake again. Please because I NEVER want to feel this way again.

Knowing that you had the best and that you lost it because you were an idiot is the worst feeling in the world. It's evern worse than having the best and losing it through uncontrollable circumstances (i.e. my mom) and worse than never having the best at all. It's only animal cruelty if you untie a veal and show it what freedom is like. Otherwise it never knows what it is missing. I know what I am missing. It is the love of my life. She's here somewhere in this crazy city, and she's pissed and hurt, and knowing that makes me want to die. I am so so sorry.

-B out to wander

(03/21/2003; 06:24pm) - You are alive, goddamnit.

Friday afternoon, work is over.

I'm still here but the phone have stopped ringing and I took and hour and 15 min out of my day for a trip to the gym so sitting here at 6:30 PM on a friday when everyone has left the office doens't seem so bad. I have nothing really to do tonight, my GF is working and going straight from working at a club to working at a huge party so she's gonna be off somewhere in the middle of insanity for the next... oh... 36 hours.

She threatened to bring a few gimps back from the party to clean her house for her. She asked me how I would feel if I came to her place and found a few gimps cleaning the floor with toothbrushes. I attempted to answer honestly. The honest answer would be, "Uhh, okay baby either the gimps leave now or I leave." The fantasy answer, which is much more thrilling, is that I would go apeshit on them (they are gimps after all) and I would beat them all into oblivion with Hibben Fantasy Knives and a baseball bat.

Needless to say I was telling her all this at work and my coworkers, average Joes from Jersey and LI, think I'm insane.

Things with the girl are fantastically great. Every once in awhile we get the uncontrollable urges to tell each other how great the other is... why we love each other. This is love, and it's great, and we're like Frik and Frak and pretty much everyone is jealous.


Work this week was busy but I've begun doing more graphic design-type projects and getting plenty of praise and I think my professionalism and creativity is showing through. Not that that will really get me anywhere in terms of my career or salary, but it's nice to hear "Wow, you're getting really good at that!" from my boss...

So now what? We're in a war but I don't care because I'm in love. I don't support my President or the political shenanigans of our politicians but what can one Benny do besides vote for someone respectable next election? It's pouring out and I have no plans on a friday evening but I don't mind either of those things. I am leaving work fulfilled and energetic and full of wonder and awe at how FUCKING REAL everything has gotten lately. The cycle of life and death is right up in your face now, and you can't help but to appreciate your life, no matter how it seems to be going.

Lucky to be alive, lucky to have enough money to be able to squander some if it on the weekends, to have enough resources to own a pair of sneakers SOLELY for the gym, to be able to take functional public transportation home from my cozy job and buy whatever the hell I want for dinner on my way. Pick up my laundry from the Chinese lady across the street because I'm just that lazy, I have that much money, and that many clothes. Decadent? Yes. Do I appreciate how much better I have it than 99% of the planet? Yes.

You are alive, it's a fucking miracle, now go out and celebrate because I don't know about you but I have a maximum of about 80 years left here on this Earth and I'm gonna cram as much fun shit into that as I can. And I could still step out onto Lexington Avenue in 5 minutes and get squashed by a cab, so I gotta start cramming the fun in now, like frat boys cramming into a VW Beetle.

It's a fucking miracle.

Go out and celebrate.

Are you listening?

(03/15/2003; 10:30pm) - I made it great, I did!

Wow, I haven't blogged in a week. It's not that it's been hectic, at least no more hectic than usual.
I guess in my free time I have been hanging with my GF a lot. WHich is the absolute most fun thing I
could possibly do. And I think when I'm having a great time with her I never feel like I should blog
because what is going on in my head is all out on the table and it all has to do with her. And how
many times can I post "This girl fucking RULES!!!"???

Tuesday when it was really nice I took the morning and spent it with Steph and walked ALL AROUND
the city, went to the gym, basically had a great day. Later in the afternoon, despite her protests
and my disctinct desire to do otherwise, I went into work and actually put in a full workday. Left
at 8 something PM, got a ton of stuff done. In fact this whole week at work, with everything blowing
up around us int he Marketing Dept, I have kept my cool and did everything efficiently and well.
Very productive week.

I have been to the gym 6 out of the past 8 days, going at lunchtime for a short run and a short,
concentrated workout. That little break in the middle of my workday makes me more productive
in the afternoon, more alert, more energy. Plus I'm getting fitter and fitter, so it's just great...

I feel very healthy. YAY! Okay enough of this blog shit, I'm off to Queens to go to a house party.

B out, craziness.

(03/07/2003; 04:06pm) - Ripped fuel, flipped rule.

Went to the gym during lunch and boy did it feel great. I limited my run and my lifting due to time constraints and managed to keep the entire thing to 1 hr 15 min door-to-door, which isn't too bad considering I worked a shower in there too. So at 3PM, my normal "I wanna die" time here at work, I was raring to go, productive and happy and energized. It was great! I'm going back tomorrow, and the next day.
I hope to make this lunch workout a part of my daily routine. I'll be ripped in a few months if I go to the gym every day.
Off I go now to eat some food.

B out, kicking and screaming
in a good way

(03/06/2003; 12:38am) - Crunching through the workday, sleep is a commodity

Been tired lately, more so than one would expect after my crazy weekends. I've been passing out ealry and waking up groggy after 10-12 hours of sleep every night this week. Haven't been to the gym in weeks, although I have lifted at home on occasion. I figure there's a connection and therefore I am biting the bullet and signing up for my corporate membership at crunch. Dues to be taken directly out of my paycheck. I'm really excited; I realized today that without a real gym to go to (barring Bally's, which is not a real gym) I have felt sorta homeless.

If my membership is processed quickly, I may be able to spend the whole weekend working out. Cool!
So for now, until my brother and I figure out what to do about Bally's, I will be paying for two gym memberships. I can't really afford to do that on my meager salary but hey, that's life. At least I'll be in shape and have energy.

Best part is Crunch is 2 blocks from work so I can go work out during lunch! Sweet.

B out, time to eat some lunch.

(03/02/2003; 06:00am) -

Well, the chill weekend is going well. I'm chillin right now!

Last night: saw a friend's ex-BF's band play at Don Hill's. Yes, I went back there.
I made it clear that I didn't like that place, but as it turns out, my friend doesn't
like it either, so we heard this band and then busted out.

(We may recall the
disastrous Don Hills night I had a few months ago. I lost my coat check ticket,
spent $70 at the bar because I stupidly opened a tab, lost my cellie in the cab
on my way home -$100 more- and drunkenly broke off the key to my apartment
door -$50 more for locksmith- in the lock. It was a mess.)

I went to bed sorta early for me on a friday. No messes made at Don Hill's this time.

Today: Woke up, ate, lifted weights. Kicked around. Met GF on her way to work. Rode
train with her. Such a sexy woman. Went to Rodeo Bar in east 20s to meet my brother.
It was his coworker's B-Day. Fun times were had, I left earlyish, as he did. I am now
home surfing, watching TV, and chillin.

A boon for tomorrow: Road trip time! My GF was going to go out with friends tomorrow
but there's a clause in her hanging-out contract that states that her plans are subject to
change at any time with no warning. So she and I are going on a road trip! (Much better idea
on my end!)

As always, no news is good news.

B out

(02/27/2003; 01:32pm) - TheMatic

I'm enjoying applying a theme to my weekends! Last weekend was "I'm gonna make this weekend fun" weekend. That was great, but by Sunday I realized that I was severely behind in sleep and no matter what I wanted to do, sleep was neccessary to allow me to do that. I took Monday off to recover. Conveniently I got to spend the day in bed with my lovely lady.

This upcoming weekend is going to be my "Chill Weekend." Now I'm not saying I'm not going out, nor am I saying I'm going to stay completely sober, but my goal this weekend is to catch up on sleep. Every day this week, I've woken up at 8AM and wished I could sleep 4 more hours. So this weekend I'm gonna sleep as much as possible. I already know I'm going out with a friend friday night, but the venue I'm going to and my friend's sobriety will help me to call it an early night. Perhaps Saturday I will go to the gym and kick around. Maybe play some PS2 with the boys. I think my lady is going out with some friends on Saturday so that means I will have quiet Benny time anyway.

Sunday? Who knows? I haven't seen my GF all week because I keep passing out all early (well, except to give her the ring on Tuesday night!) so hopefully I'll get to hang with her at least part of the weekend.

Till next time

B out

(02/26/2003; 12:20am) - The promise ring.

Finally, last night I was able to give my GF her very belated V-Day present.
She loves silver and hates gold and the only stone she likes is the diamond.
And she loves Tiffany & Co.

Curious, I went to the T & Co website and discovered a beautiful, basic silver
band ring inset with a tiny diamond and I knew she would love it. It took me
forever to get ahold of because I guess every guy around Valentine's Day is
trying to get something from Tiffany for his GF, and they were sold out of
what I wanted.

Long story short, I gave it to her last night. She had no idea what I was
getting for her. She's ecstatic. She loves it. YAY!

Of course it looks a lot like an engagement ring or something, so people may
freak out when they see her wearing it but that's not what it means to me at
all, it's simply a promise that I will hold true to the principles of our
rock-solid relationship. And if it helps her by repelling a few of the asshole
guys that constantly make her life hell by hitting on her, even after she tells
them that she has a boyfriend, then that's an extra added bonus.

Plus it's the first time I've bought a diamond, or any sort of "real" jewelery,
for anyone so I'm pretty excited. This is fthe first girl who's deserved one.

I told her there are two things that last forever, a diamond and my promise to her.

And she may pop up on our fora, so be prepared.

(02/24/2003; 01:12am) - Things go bump in the night.

The things you can learn when you watch TV all night:

If you give a dog a Rorschach ink blot test and ask him what it makes him think of,
his answer will be "bacon" every time.

(02/22/2003; 12:50pm) - I didn't forget.

February 22nd, 1943.

My mom, Beth Elgot, was born in Detroit. She had a twin brother, my uncle Mark. He lives outside
Seattle where it's probably raining today, as it is here in NYC, as it is in the minds of anyone who
ever met Beth Elgot Kline.

She would have turned 60 years old today had she not succumbed, after a 10+ year battle, to breast
cancer. That was May 27th, 2001, just after I graduated from Vassar College.

I'm not sad, it's still a great weekend. I will remember her strength and infinitely deep love today
and forever more.

(02/22/2003; 12:21pm) - People in Jersey have terrible fashion sense.

Okay, so right after the previous post I decided to order my RAM online. It was $40 cheaper
than it woulda been at Tekserve. Nice.

Also coming in the mail is my V-Day gift for my GF which I'm excited about. Coooool...

Welcome to the land of spending too much money again.
I got on and got the directions to the Bobert, who was in a random
"Whole Foods Supermarket" in Edgewater, NJ. God only knows why.

Hauled ass up to 125th St under the West Side Highway to grab my bro's car. Drove
to Edgewater. Got the Bobert. Missed an exit, crossed the GWB again back into
Manhattan, turned around, went back, navigated the hellish New Jersey roads and
parkways all the way to Paramus Park Mall where I was to meet
Matt, a kid I work with. He moonlights as a manager at Tommy Hilfiger. He gets a huge
discount. Friday he told me to come to his store to buy cheap clothes. Okay.

Me and the Bobert get there and Matt's not there. He called in sick. Thanks dude, I'm
gonna knock you out at work on Monday. Me and the B-Man went to Pac Sun instead.
I bought him a belated X-Mas sweater with flames on the sleeves. Very Bobert. I bought
myself a cool puffy black jacket and I got a free sweatshirt with Bobert's sweater. Dark
blue, XXL, Lost Brand. Says "...Lost"on the front in white.

Me and B kicked around the mall for a while, low blood sugar and empty stomachs
forcing us to wander aimlessly. I also fielded a call from a female friend on the other side
of the country who seems to have perpetual boy troubles, despite her cute and mysterious
nature. She really just needs to chill.
I had to consciously subdue my urges to tell her how insanely great my relationship with
my GF is. She knows anyway; she reads the Dizzy. I don't wanna rub it in her face but I'm
sorta dying to tell someone all about it. No one seems to want to hear it. People would rather
hear that you're miserable. Fuck that. If this has to be my own little amazing secret, fine.

I don't think anyone will ever know all the details, all the things that make my relationship so
great. It's my treasure, I guess, one I can't really share. Oh well.

B out, still making this weekend great.

(02/22/2003; 12:13am) - Two fingers raised to my forehead.

This sort of thing really works. If you want to have a good time, you will.

Last night I napped in the evening and then went to the Roxy to see/hear Paul van Dyk spin.
It fucking kicked ass. I got the VIP treatment at the door, danced all night to awesome music,
got leg cramps, didn't care and danced more.

Met a bunch of kids I used to party with at Vassar, the elite VT crew. That was absolutely great.
Stayed till close. Took a cab home w/ my girl. Showered, ate, brought my laundry to the lady
across the street. Her door was coming off its hinges so I ran home & grabbed my cordless drill
and went back and put some new screws in it. I earned my merit badge for community service
and with that I have officially gone from a "Bear" to a "Webolo." With many years of hard work,
I hope one day to become and Eagle Scout.

Maybe now I'll go downtown and buy more RAM for my comp.

Later on I may drive to Paramus Park Mall. Don't ask.

Benny out, going to continue having a great weekend. Scout's Honor.

(02/21/2003; 02:26pm) - By Royal Decree: this weekend shall kick ass.

Things are OK, aren't they?
They are OK.

The only problems are those that one recognizes as such.
Without the conscious application of the word "problem" to anything, there will be no problems.

It's good to be King, what with all the royal decrees.

"I declare this to be great!"
And bang, it's great.
Cuz I said so.

It's good to be King.

Stop watching the news.
Instead, watch your heart, watch your head, watch your body go through the motions of life.
This is the way it should be.
By Royal Decree, this is the way it shall be.

It's good to be King.


(02/20/2003; 12:27am) - BTF. Removed.

At my lawyer's suggestion, I am removing my anti-Bally Total Fitness diatribe which previously appared here while we pursue cancellation of my contract.

(02/19/2003; 11:48am) - Gulping down milky sadness, and the sun rises again tomorrow, and the day after that...

Anyone who tells you that love is not inextricably linked to pain has never truly loved anything.

A day or so ago my GF and I had our first fight; the reasons and motives behind that fight are as inconsequential as they are petty.

The long and the short of it is that GF blew up and I defended myself. The argument was groundless; we were both exhausted from a long weekend. Tuesday I came into work feeling like I had been run over by a truck.

The possibility that my fairy-tale relationship was over seemed very real. The foundations of this relationship are basic: honesty, love and respect. As with any structure resing on 3 columns, it would become unstable and crumble should one of the supports be removed.

So Tuesday I laughed, but the laughter was false. I smiled but it was forced. I held my head in my hands at several points to keep the world from spinning. I imagined life without her, I played out the future scenarios: the possibility that love might escape me entirely from this point forward, the women I would never respect, the bars I would punch people in, the snowy streets I would trudge down alone. The contempt for "love". The disillusionment, the hell that is one man's lonely battle against a negative world. I saw all this in my mind's eye. My whole life played out and then I died inside. I saw the overgrown grave with a view of the East River, the chipped headstone reading "One Man Dies Alone, The World Remains Unchanged".

It was a bleak and bleary world where no one viewed Plum Blossoms By Moonlight.
A grey moon reflecting off black water.

And then she called me. And roses bloomed again.

(02/16/2003; 06:52am) - LET JESUS FUCK YOU!

I mean, if he's just wilin' out and horny, you wanna show the dude a good time, right? I mean he's gonna
tell hiscrew he fucked you anyway, and that you're a chickenhead slut, so you may as well get laid for
real. Yo, I hear he's a great fuck too, so why not? He's circumcised. That's just better, you know? Like,
those uncircumcised cocks are just weird looking, you know? Fuck that shit.

Yo, and Jesus can get you mad shit. I mean if he can turn water into wine, think about how many clubs
he can get you into. Jesus never waits in line, the crowd just parts for him. He drives a Bentley that he
didn't even have to buy, the company just GAVE that shit to him. The leather's mad soft, and he put a
dope system up in there. Shit rides on 22s! It's phat, I saw it on the West Side the other day. You can
ask my cousin Day-Day, he saw that shit too.

Motherfucker must be takin Viagra too because my girl Jessica got with him last week and she said they
fucked all night. She couldn't hang. She had to tell him to get off at like 8AM because she was working
the opening shift at Duane Reade. She had to open the store up. Yo, tell me that mother fucker Jesus didn't
come into the store 20 minutes later and buy some more condoms!!!! Jessica was like, WHAAAAAT?!

But what are you gonna do? Jesus is a pimp, I mean he's a player for real. Every day I hear about that
motherfucker gettin with another bitch from Queens or some shit. He's crazy. He don't need to sleep,
you know that? My man just cruises from one bitch to the next. He be on the cellie all the time, Verizon
gives him all the free minutes he wants. Lucky motherfucker.

My sister Tina was all up in my face about wanting to fuck a Jew, but DAMN, girl, you don't know shit till
you been fucked by the son of God.
Straight up.

(02/14/2003; 10:03am) - Where Breakfast Lasts Forever.

Hello, my name is Benny and I am a hypocrite.

I'll admit it.

Our site-op and countless others will tell you that I'll rant and rave on some topic, about how stupid something is, and then I'll go and do it myself.
It happens constantly. But that's what makes me so special! I keep people on their toes. As soon as I convince you that I would NEVER, EVER do something, I turn around and do it.
Bobert's typical response?
"You're an idiot."

My current idiotic act can be more fully understood by reading my previous blog entry. For lack of a more creative, personalized V-Day gift for my GF, I went to one of the most typical, overexposed "OhFuckLastMinuteVDayGift" stores in Manhattan to find something. Well, to my credit, I poked around their website and found something that I could afford and that I know my GF would love. It is one of those things I said the idiotic masses give their girlfriends. Ugh. Hypocrite. But it is mad pimpin' nonetheless.

Unfortunately, I can't reveal where I'm shopping or what the item is yet until I actually give it to her. And they were out of the exact item I wanted so I have to wait a couple days before I can get it. They're going to call me when it come in. She doesn't really read this blog but I wanna keep it a surprise. Rest assured I will blog about the item and her reaction next week. Yay! I'm excited.

I still think V-Day is wierd.
Wish I didn't have to work today.

The upside: I didn't blow up yet today!

B out, sinning & grinning

(02/13/2003; 10:53am) - Notable quote

"That smell sounds familiar."
-my coworker Chris
(It should be noted that Chris is from Long Island, the Land of the Lobotomized)
(He's also dyslexic)
(And he's been dating the same fat girl for 6 years)
(I'm going to stop making fun of him now)

(02/13/2003; 05:22pm) - V-Day: this holiday is kinda weird.

Ahh, Valentine's Day. The bane of singles everywhere. The holiday where the most people feel alienated. It's basically like, "Hey, if you're not with someone right now that is totally in love with you, YOU SUCK!!!"

I never really liked it, the whole premise always made me uncomfortable. It's one of those perversions of an innocent idea, like Christmas: Let's all celebrate the birth of Jesus, a kind and gentle man. A leader of men, the physical representation of goodness and the possibilities of human kindness... by DEMANDING THAT EVERYONE BUY LOTS OF SHIT FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAA

Valentine's Day is like the same thing: Aww, you know, we should all show all the cool people in our lives how much we care, just drop all the pretense and celebrate the life of one of the kindest, most loving Saints to ever live.... BY BUYING LOTS OF SHIT FOR OUR LIFE PARTNERS!!!! Oh wait, you're single in mid February? YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF FUCKING FREAK!!!!!

Well anyway, this February I find myself deeply in love with an beautifully insane girl. So I'm one of the lucky ones. But I feel for all my compatriats who are trudging ahead alone. Believe me, I know how that feels. Last Valentine's Day I was wallowing in the depths of self-pity. I thought nothing would ever get better. I hated life, I hated death, I hated sobriety, I hated the fickleness of females, I hated this day. I hated people who could share it with someone. I hated the idea that I was stupid enough to entrust a chunk of my heart, the most precious resource of my being, to another human. And I hated that she was dumb enough to take that trust for granted.

So it's no surprise to me that this year I sorta don't know what to make of Valentine's Day. Do I make a big deal or not? I know my lady is a tad strapped for cash and so what she gets me will not be big. Whew. Pressure's off a bit. I don't have much money either. And I know that she laughs at people's attempts to buy her love with material posessions. She's smart enough to recognize that love is more precious than any piece of jewelry or clothing or whatever the fuck normal idiots give their significant others.

In that light I need to be creative (thank god I'm good at that too) and either make something or do something really cool for her. I could buy something but it's gotta be really special.
I went to hardware store today to pick up materials for what I wanted to make for her, but the salesman told me that razor blades are made of a very brittle metal and that and attempt to shape them by bending would have them shatter into several very sharp shards. So my idea of making her a rose out of barbed wire and shaped double-sided razor blades was a no-go. I suppose I could increase the malleability and decrease the brittleness of any metal by heating it up, but then I'm working with very very hot, very sharp pieces of metal that could still explode into flesh-shredding missiles at any given second.

So anyway, here I am, wondering what to do.
I'm leaving work now to wander around midtown checking out my prospects.

Here's to an uneventful V-Day for us all. I love getting emails from cowrokers saying that a guy with a "smart bomb" is somewhere in Manhattan, intending to blow us up on Valentine's Day.

B out, shaken but not stirred

(02/11/2003; 04:56pm) - a whisper in the morning

"I see the world to comfort myself; and it is a lack of interest in the pain
of others, I know others feel pain, but well, I cannot really dwell on it.
All I know is this:
Where I will find and touch you- that would be the final link. I will know
then, in that physical moment, the answer to

(02/10/2003; 12:05am) - Gonna catch flak for this post. (Fuck you.)

I haven't posted recently at all. I have been busy (outside of work) pursuing interests that do not involve 1s and 0s. Been spending a lot of time with my GF. Things are going so well, it's almost inconceivable.
Sundays I spend with her almost exclusively, partying and enjoying eachother's company. I hope no on enotices that I've had the past 4 Mondays off, two for holidays and two because I was... sick.... uh


I shoulda taken today off, having not slept at all, but that would just be irresponsible.
My friend from CT showed up in NYC last night with no advance warning; I gave him the keys to my joint to sleep and I crashed at my GF's house. I use the term "crash" loosely as there was no sleep going on.

Her dog is growing jealous of me. He eyes me up when I hang out there. I'm surpised he hasn't gnawed my nuts off in my sleep yet.

I have a dull deep headache, my pupils are dilated, my tummy hurts and I'm dehydrated. Not to mention the fact that I am taking the bus to work and around town now instead of the subways because the angry camel jockeys are gonna blow them up... And I couldn't be happier! Go figure....

(02/04/2003; 10:53am) - What a great weekend!!!

Friday after work I went to a friend's farewell dinner in Little Italy and ate Italian (duh) with her and a bunch of her assorted friends. Then I met up with our beloved site-op et al (see his blog for his side of the story) for some party times in my neighborhood. I was feeling chill that night so it ended up being an early night. Plus my GF was working. Bobert got hammered, which is always fun.

Saturday I didn't do shit. Woke up late, lifted some weights, ate some food, picked up laundry... crap like that. Later on in the night I went to the Astoria HQ and played Perfect Dark, which is a pretty fun game. Not enough boobies, fire or blowing shit up though. After that I went to a rave in a huge loft thrown by a group of kids who throw these things monthly. I went to one a couple months ago, it was awesome. I showed up at 3Am this time and dance my frikkin ass off till 8 or 9 AM. These parties are awesome. I met a few kids that I knew from the last party and a few new ones, so all in all Saturday really ruled.

On Sunday morning I met my lady, who had just gotten off work. We hadn't seen each other in a few days so there was some serious catching up to do. We walked her dog all around Manhattan and had Fun Times the whole day. She and I have reached this point in our relationship where it's just really beautiful and comfortable and awesome, every minute we spend together. We spent the whole day in bed, and, without revealing too much in a blog, I just have to say that this girl is ABSOLUTELY FREAKING AMAZING IN BED. Holy fucking shit.
I've had some great sex in my life, but this is some mind-blowing, life-altering shit.
We literally fucked each other stupid. Several times.

It was so great that at about 4AM on Monday morning we decided I had to call in "sick" for work and stay with her. Which I did. And so Monday was great too. This is why I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy. Heh heh...

Needless to say, stuff is going absolutely insanely great with this girl in my life.
I could ramble on and on about how great she is but that's usually the point where people stop listening/reading, so I'll cut it short. Until I have more news/stories/insanity,

B out

(01/27/2003; 08:00pm) - awww yea

god DAMN my woman is sexy !!!!!

(01/23/2003; 05:09pm) - One of those times when my horoscope is amusingly accurate...

Genxscope (by
The Libran balance is indeed a sight to behold. How you manage to maintain a raging social life while strategically checking things off your to-do list is a mystery to many. To you, it's all in a day's work.

(01/21/2003; 12:44pm) - Manhattan Luxury Real Estate, a trivial pursuit.

Well, Tuesday meant back to work and back to twenty thousand phone calls from brokers, all of whom were various degrees of pissedd that their listings on our website were wrong. It got so that I couldn't fix any of that because I was fielding so many phone calls. I had to start a spreadsheet last week to track everything I had to fix. The bad news is that I worked another 11 hour day again today. The good news is that my boss is going to try to get me overtime for all the extra hours I am working.

See, it's really great when a power broker who's losing her shit is yelling my ear off while my girlfriend, who is just about to go under to get her wisdom teeth out, is calling me on my cell. I can't hang up on the broker because she's already threatening to complain to the Owners about the disarray of our Marketing Dept, and I can't not wish my GF luck before her surgery. As it turned out I very succinctly told the broker I would fix everything and incredibly she got off the motherfucking phone right as my GF called again.

GF came out of surgery fine, by the way. She's doped up on Vicodin and back asleep now. I guess whenever you go under there's a slight chance that you won't wake up. Just to cover herself, I suppose, my GF left me a long email last ngiht saying that if she didn't make it thru the surgery, that she loved me and to continue living my life without her. To not curl up and die and just remember the great times and the love we shared. And that she wouldn't see me in heaven because there isn't one, and if there was she wouldn't go there.
Sorta makes whatever that broker is yelling about seem trivial.

(01/20/2003; 06:36pm) - Thanks MLK!

Let me first say that I fully endorse Dr Martin Luther King Jrs idealogy about peace and changing the world
for the better. I think if we followed his teaching instead of friggin assasinating him, the world would be
much safer, wholesome and fun for all the boys and girls.

But I appreciate him for three other reasons:

1- Having today off allows me to party on Sunday night (as I usually do, but this time I got to wake up
whenever on Monday!)
2- Having Monday off makes the weekend feel super-extra long (too bad I worked a little on Saturday)
3- This work week will seem shorter too, which is much more relaxing. By the time I realize it, it'll be the
weekend again!

So thank MLK for making me happy.
Hot cocoa and Tom Wolfe's "The Kandy-Kolored, tangerine-stripe Streamline Baby" are keeping me company
today. It's nice to relax with a good book for a change, even if it is as intellectually useless as Tom Wolfe's
60s social commentary.... Last night was fun at the club, a bit of a hassle at first getting in but that was all
resolved and there was some pretty damn good music, esp. in the DnB room. Hadn't danced in a while...

B out, back to my easy chair

(01/19/2003; 01:56am) -

(01/17/2003; 09:12pm) - So, work seems to be picking up a bit

Today I worked for exactly 12 hours.
We have a new "system" here at work, and transferring the astronomical amount of data and associates files from the "old" to "new" systems was only mostly successful. Our IT tech guy is still trying to pinpoint why 100% of the data and files were not transferred correctly. This leave us here in the marketing dept in the unique position of having to communicate to the brokers why their listings on our website aren't there, or are missing pictures or floorplans.
The brokers know they send stuff to us and then it goes on the web; they do not understand that we simply scan or download the pictures, make them look pretty and upload them to a server, which uploads those files to the website peridoically. Hence they think it's our fault that the living room shot from their 3.5 million dollar penthouse apartment on CPW is missing from the website. They also can't tell the vents in the sides of a computer from a floppy drive. They don't know the difference between a "computer tower" and a "monitor", and sometimes they try to convince us that their keyboards do not have Escape keys. They are not smart people. And there are 300 of them.

All they know is that they have "very irritated sellers" and that they "can't understand" why they have to wait "so long" to see their information up on the "interweb".
The few that haven't called us screaming probably haven't discovered the missing links on the website or the missing info in the system yet. I would venture to say that there's at least a little something or other wrong with at least one listing for every broker. I have a very detailed and substantial spreadsheet telling me what needs to be done, one I compiled personally from dozens of aggro phone calls and emails.

Oh yeah. Here's what I have to do:
1-Listen to broker's complaint.
2-Find out what's REALLY wrong, if anything.
3-Grab files from shared folders on my coworker's computer, or else locate and scan pix from scratch.
4-Rename them and make sure they look pretty.
5-Tranfer them via FTP to a remote server.
6-Go into our system (called RealPlus).
7-Set listing up to locate and upload files from said server.
8-Maintain a level head and remember where I am in this surprisingly long process as I receive phone call after phone call from angry brokers, during which I take down the appropriate information in my spreadsheet.

Anything I can say beyond this will
A) not make sense
B) not be interesting
c) aggravate me

so I will end this rant prematurely and head on home in the hopes that I don't feel compelled to come in tomorrow, which is Saturday, to finish this crap.

B, so very out

(01/16/2003; 05:05pm) - Call me old-fashioned

Today some coworkers within earshot of my cubicle were talking about not letting their girlfriends go out alone with other guys. I take it that a lot of guys feel this way, and that women too would not trust their boyfriends with other women.

This may seem like an odd thing for a 24-year-old straight guy to say, but that's really not the way this whole thing should be. I realize that I'm in the unique position of having a partner I can really trust. I have been fucked over before by girls but my present GF and I have talk VERY extensively about trust issues in post-millennium relationships. I think it's terrible that people don't trust their partners enough to let them out of sight with a member of the opposite sex, for fear that their partners will cheat on them.

Trust is one of the most basic and most important building blocks of any relationship, intimate or platonic. If you can't trust her, why are you with her? One of my coworkers said "Yo, if I found out she went out with a bunch of guys partying at night I'd fucking smack her." or something to that effect. "You gotta check that bitch" is another thing I heard. Damn, I feel like an old grandpa but what the hell is the point of dating someone if you're constantly worried that they're gonna cheat on you?

I go out with girls all the time. I just go out. I don't hit on them. I don't make half-assed advances, I don't get drunk and start pawing at them. That's not right and it's disrespectful to my lady. And it's just not fun. That's for when I'm single. Actually, I hate that shit when I'm single too...

A few times in the past few weeks my GF has gone out with guys, once it was her ex and his new GF, once it was with a bunch of crazy party boys she knew from college. And that's fine. Why should I tell her who she can hang out with? And who cares? As long as she has fun. We've talked alot about being monogamous and we're both all for it. She says her GFs don't understand her either. She's said that if I ever cheated on her, that would be it, relationship over, and she's never look back. I know she understands that it works both ways. It has to. She cheats on me, I'm out the door. And neither of us are good at lying so there's no chance of some sort of clandestine betrayal.

When guys hit on her it just annoys her and she ignores them. She'll even tell me about it and we'll have a good laugh. I guess not everybody can be as lucky as us, nor as forthcoming.

But damn, it really annoyed me when I piped up and told my coworker that me and my GF didn't have to worry about shit like that because we trust each other. He was certain that my girl was playing me because she goes out with other guys on occasion. Isn't that sad? (And wouldn't it be funny if I'm sticking my foot in my mouth right now?! No.)

But no, you have to love recklessly and without forethought. To live your life in any other way, to bottle your love up inside for fear of getting hurt, would cut you off from experiencing your life to the fullest. And so I love this girl, and I put my trust in her, and I feel sad for anyone else who feels they have to live their lives any differently.

What a gay rant.

B out

(01/14/2003; 01:29pm) - The Bean Rocket saves the day!!!!

Saturday night I went to Don Hill's with a bunch of friends. Don Hill's is a venue/bar. I came for the drinks and company and not the music, which is good considering how terrible the band was.
I haven't been drinking much lately because I always feel pretty terrible the day after, and it's hardly healthy or cheap to get sloshed. But Saturday night the conditions were right and I began
drinking screwdrivers. I had a beer beforew we left, and upon arrival at DH's I discovered to didn't have nearly enough cash to seriously get my drink on so I opened up a tab. Boy, that's really
NEVER a good idea. I looked at my bill the next day and I drank 7 screwdrivers and also bought a round of Jaegermeister.

My roommate said that I was doing fine until all of a sudden I was weaving around like Friar Tuck and slurring my words. My general notion is that the drink hit me like a freight train at a certain
point. The only clear memory I have after that is deciding it's time to leave, RIGHT NOW, and going downstairs to the coat check where I discovered that I no longer had my ticket. I fumbled through my
wallet for what must have been 10 minutes until the coat check dude actually told me to go away and come back at closing time. Yeah, right. That coat is the most expensive piece of clothing I own.

So I went back upstairs to where I was standing all night and there was my ticket on the floor. Sweet.

Then... darkness.

I know I took a cab home, how I hailed it and how much money I paid for the ride is beyond me. I vaguely remember thinking that the cab was driving somewhere weird, so I could have been fucked over. I
also have vague memories of puking out the window, although I'm not sure. That would certainly explain the cabbie trying to fuck me over.

Anyway, at about 10 AM on Sunday I awoke with a start, realized how drunk I was the night before, and that there must be something wrong. I checked thru my wallet and all of my credit cards were there, even after
dimantling my wallet while drunk in a bar.


Spectacles, testicles, wallet & watch. Check and double check...

Oh fuck.

Cell phone.


Must have dropped out of my pocket in the cab; I had it on me all night and sent my GF several texts about how drunk I was.

Poop, it had a lot of numbers in it. Worst part is that I pay $5 a month for insurance on the phone, so I thought I was covered. But there's $50 deductible so I would have to pay at least $50 anyway. On top of
that, I would have to do this to get a new phone: 1) Go to the police station and file a report (can't do it over the phone) 2) Wait at least one day for the police to file the case and give it a case number.
3) Send case number, phone info and a police officer's badge number to the insurance company 4) Wait a few more days for them to send me a new crappy StarTac.

Okay, so to do this it's $50, many days without a cell, and I have to go to the police station and talk to cops... umm... NO THANKS!

Sunday I spent with my GF after she came back from going out to a club in the morning.
We didn't motivate early enough to go cell shopping that day but we ended up hanging out all night, literally, partying and just talking. It was great. Goddamn I love that girl.

Needless to say, after one drunken night of 5 hrs of sleep and the next with none, and both days not really feeling well enough to eat much food, Monday was difficult. I had a lot to do at work. I
took about 50 pictures with a dig camera- headshots here in the office and building shots at our westside office. I had to communicate. I had to make phone calls and run around all day. By 2PM on the
westside I was fading fast, so I went to Pizzaria Unos and got a very uncharacteristically unhealthy individual pizza with chicken and peppers and onions on it. Oh my god it was so damn good. I had
tried to eat a hamburger at a diner at about 4AM monday morning but, uh... that didn't go so well.

So by 4PM Monday I had my second wind. I didn't even have to leave work early.
After work I went shopping for a new cell and had basically resigned myself to the fact that I would have to spend at least $150 to get a new phone, for that's the price of a crappy phone if you pay
full price.

I did a lot of comprison shopping because my neighborhood is full of wireless stores. On my way home to change after hitting about 4 stores, I discovered a store on 1st Ave called Bean Rocket
Wireless. This place RULED! They even had my beloved StarTac, which is out of production.

They hooked my shit up, sold me the StarCrack and a headset and even called Verizon for me and set things straight, and knocked off $10 cuz I paid in cash. Super frikkin sweet. Thanks BEAN ROCKET!!!!!

I now had a phone.
I went home, made pork chops and passed the fuck out for 12 hours.

Today was much better than yesterday. I can eat, I am plugged in, and I slept a lot. It's the simple pleasures in life.

B out

(01/10/2003; 10:21am) - Last nite I ate at Sassy's Sliders for the 1st and last time

My GF recieved free passes to a screening last night of "The Guru." So we went, obviously.
She was surprised at how short the line was outside the theater for the screening, as she's been to many advance screenings and the lines were usually around the block.
There is a reason for everything.
I suppose the reason for the short line was the same reason they didn't check our tickets as we went in.
Do not pay money to see this movie.

Let me summarize:
Heather Graham plays a confused character, a Catholic bride-to-be who secretly moonlights as a porn star to pay the bills. Her husband is a big doofy Irish fireman. I think he played the young Biff in Back to the Future. I'm kidding, but you get the idea. At the end of the flick he discover he's playing "hide the salami" with his ladder operator.

Okay, it's like this:
This Indian dude comes to America to make it big. He has no chance, he was a dance instructor in India and is not attractive. He tries out for a part in a porn movie (see where this is going?) and gets it but can't perform. Heather Graham ends up tutoring him on his sexual hang-ups. [skipping uninteresting plot details] Marissa Tomei thinks this Indian guy is a sex guru cuz she's a freaky, neurotic Manhattan JAP and he banged her once. She starts blabbing to her friends and he ends up giving sex advice to all sorts of random people. For money. Needless to say, this is the same advice he's receiving from Heather Graham the day before.

Long story short: Indian gets hits the big-time as a sex guru (oh, yeah, his name is Rammi). In the climactic scene that makes me want to kill myself:
A)Heather Graham finds out Rammi's been selling her inner thoughts
B)Rammi realizes her loves her; vice versa
C)Marissa gets snubbed by Rammi (she loved him or something)
D)Heather Graham almost gets married
E)Rammi stops the wedding
F)Groom's gay lover shows up too

HAPPY EVER AFTER! I guess I didn't mention that the movie occasionally breaks out into frightening song, a la Grease. Except all the songs have this mish-mosh of Indian music and pop crap and it's terrible.
Worst part: only one pair of naked titties in the movie, and they're not Heather Graham's.

OK, so the movie wasn't great. It somehow managed to be formulaic and predictable as well as painfully mediocre.
But I had fun seeing it with my lady and then hanging with the crew on the UES.
Hi ho, hi ho...

(01/07/2003; 01:23pm) - Anything dipped in egg automatically acquires a new indentity.

Well, I think I have been posting too much in the fora about Croque Monsieurs, because after a lengthy rant delineating the uniqueness of the CM when compared with the plebian ham sandwich, no one else has posted. At all. Anywhere. Is it possible I killed our fora? The truth remains to be seen.

I also have to watch the clock as I blog; thanks to our beloved site-op for resuscitating (sp?) my last post. I took about 15 minutes to write it, and then it disappared. I really thought it had been lost. The wonders of modern technology.

Last few days have been odd but post-holiday life is slowly returning to normal. I must again cut down on spending. I will be lovin my two-and-a-half pound bucket of Skippy Creamy peanut butter for the nest month or so! It lives on my desk here at work. Under a mostly empty jar of marshmallow fluff. I will hopefully be hitting the gym in a somewhat regular routine, attempting to boost myself up beyond the paltry 170 lbs to which I have wasted away. At one point in my life I weighed 188. To that end I bought a buncha powerbar-type thingies to snack on at work. Not cheap but definitely more protein and less carbs than the mounds of chocolates we have here at the office.

I took care of my lady last night. She somehow got sicker than she was this weekend and was praying to our favorite goddess all yesterday. I brought her some liquids to drink and some meds to keep her from selling any more Buicks. The lights were out in her apt and stayed out. I walked her dog and came back inside and passed out next to her on her bed. She didn't yarf all night and managed to drink a bunch of Gatorade. Baby steps.

I'm going there after work to make us some filet mignon, hopefully she'll keep that down. It feels good to finally be of some use to her; she's always hellbent on doing everything on her own. Now that she's sick I can shower her with care.

Work has picked up a little in recent days. This is good. It sucks to sit around and surf the net all day. No, really! I like to be busy. Speaking of which...

B out, back to work & reality

(01/03/2003; 03:34pm) - Don't sweat the small stuff- love the small stuff.

Things are cool. The highlight of yesterday was exchanging a sweater from ExpressMen I got for XMas for another sweater. Yippee.
Last night the weather blew goats, it was sleeting here in NYC, so there wasn't much motivation to do anything. I would have gone to see my GF but she was beginning to get sick and just wanted to relax at home and stay out of the cold. And to be honest it was miserable out there so I was content to talk to her for a long time on the phone. Ye! Stayed up too late. Did not want to get out of bed this morning.
There were no coffee cups at work at first which didn't help me wake up.
Not that it mattered, work was slow.

Vague plans for tonight involving a friend, dinner (salivating as I dream about mexican food!), some low-key hanging out. That's fine for me. I hope to actually see my GF in person before she blasts off for work.

Other than that I plan on sleeping in forever tomorrow. Damn the torpedoes.

For now, WOLF FM is howling the best mix of the 70s & 80s at me while I waste the remaining hours before the weekend starts. I tried again today, unsuccessfully, to surf to the end of the internet. I got stuck in a BBQing web ring. I read a gay man's weblog. He liked guys with small dicks. I tried to figure out how to procure a gov't grant, but that's a lot easier if you're starting a small business. I looked at every picture on a site dedicated to car crashes. Wear a seat belt. I read a follow-up article where a high-ranking member of the US Air Force defended the USAF encouraging their pilots to take amphetamine pills during long flights, a practice that may have caused the bombing of Canadian servicemen by a US fighter jet in Afghanistan. Apparently our hopped-up pilot was incapable of determining who, exactly, was on the ground below him, but was fully capable of guiding a laser-guided bomb to within 3 feet of a group of people, who turned out to be Canadians. It is unfortunate that this headline is lost in a tidal wave of more violent and disturbing news.

I digress.

It's funny how when things are going okay for you, you usually don't notice. But when life is shitty you pray for uneventful days like this. Love the normal days as much as you loathe the crappy ones and you will live a happier life. Oh, and try not to read the news. It's all fucked up, and it will make you sad.

B out, not wealthy, not weeping.

(01/01/2003; 04:08am) - Work is lame, food poisoning likewise. Happy New Year!

It feels like much has happened since I last posted.
The weekend was pretty good. Fun party at Mikey's friend's place in the west village.

Monday at work was boring, so was Tuesday. I was in a funk on Tuesday, for no apparent reason. Tuesday night I broke out of that funk to go with my roommate to visit an old friend Joe who just moved in 3 blocks away from us. We were his first guests in his new apt. We brought over some beers. I neglected to eat dinner that night so I stopped at my trusty (right!) local pizza joint for a slice on my way home.
The tip-off shoulda been the fact that the pie looked old and stale, like it had been sittin there in the pizza shop all day. They didn't heat the slice up all the way either so it was lukewarm when I ate it. But what did I care? I was hungry.

Well, I should cared because I was woken up at 4:30AM with sharp pains in my stomach and acute nausea. I proceeded to spend from 4:30AM to 11AM today having a terrible case of the runs and sporadic vomiting. I really couldn't eat or get out of bed all day. I called into work. It was pretty miserable. I finally felt OK enough at 4:30PM to go to the deli downstairs to get some meds to make me feel better. Miraculously I made it to my GF's club to spend New Years with her, which is all I really wanted to do. Goddamn food poisoning, you can't hold me down.

I didn't dance much but the point was that when the year changed from 2002 to 2003, I was locking lips with my baby.
Later, at about 2 something, site-op called me and told me to come over to his party in Astoria. I asked him if they would all still be up when I got there as it would take me a long time. I had to stop at home first. He assured me they would all be up and partying, so I left right away. Just before I set foot in my apt , site-op called me to tell me they were all passing out over at his party. So this left me awake, with nothing to do, while I could have been spending time with my GF. Needless to say, she's pissed that our beloved site-op called me away. But what are you gonna do? Oh well.
Happy new year, dude.

(12/30/2002; 01:44pm) - As a follow-up to my previous post...

I wonder if she really know how much I love her, and what that love means? I've told her in the past, so I'm pretty sure she knows where I'm coming from. But I wonder if when she says "I love you," it means the same thing? She is so independent, it's hard to imagine that she would need me the way I need her. And yet I am actively trying to NOT need her, but rather to appreciate her presence in my life without having her as a crutch to help me through the rough spots. What I really want, though, is to feel needed. Isn't that the best part about love? When someone says, "Hey, I need you tonight. Can you come over?" But the more I get to know this one, the less I feel she needs me. Although as I write this I am reminded of an email she wrote me singing the praises of our relationship, and how we're always here for each other, helping eachother through the rough spots.

I think one of my major faults is that somewhere along the line I programmed myself to only remember the bad times, the ways I'ver been wronged. And I can call them up at the drop of a hat. But to remember all the good times and all the kind words that have been said about me, that doesn't come as readily to me. I wonder why that is?

So I am in love here. And I am loved back, of that I am sure. But loved how? I know she calls me her "partner," innocently and sweetly. It's nice to be someone's other half, someone's partner in crime. But I want to feel wanted. I want to hear from her during the afternoon, "Benny, I think I'm gonna go nuts if I don't see you tonight. You HAVE to come over." That kind of thing melts my heart.

See, the thing is, I've heard that from her before, but sometimes even if she's said that to me, she may get tied up doing something else, like sleeping, which to her defense is a really important thing to do. And then I'm like, "Yeah, I wanna see you really bad, too!" and I don't get to see her. Which sucks. I suppose our opposite schedules are to blame fro not seeing one another as much as we'd like to, but I'm willing to go the extra mile to see her, if it means missing sleep or even work.

So this is me, trying to readjust my priorities. This is me, attempting to put myself and my needs first, something I'm not used to doing. This is me, still playing tug-of-war with my own emotions. This is me, in love and loved back, and still horny as hell.

B out

(12/26/2002; 02:25pm) - Life is a highway, and I'm going to quote lyrics all day long

Christmas in CT was anticlimactic.
It was nice seeing Dad and the bros and some friends. I knew what I was getting for the most part so no surprises there. Nobody really seemed to make a big deal about my arrival or departure. A simple goodbye and a hug was what I got from all. I guess that's a good thing. I'm a big boy now, I make my home in another city. That's just the way things go. While in CT I got the feeling that I was not at home anymore. My home is now NYC. I couldn't wait to get back here.

There's a girl somewhere here, I think she's asleep now but she'll be up soon. It sounds saccharine but I just can't wait to lay on her bed and hold her tight to me.

It's hard when you know that to give everything to someone else, yet again, would be foolhardy. And yet each time she speaks of how much she cares for me, another piece of my heart is chipped off and handed over to her. I've made the mistake before of giving too much away, and so now I try to control this thing which is intangible, which has no definite values or boundaries. It feels like a tug-of-war, and half the time I feel like dropping my end of the rope.

She and I have talked in length about love and independence and she has made it clear that if things don't work out between us she will not stop living. She will go on and remember the good times and chalk up the whole thing to "life experience" and she'll never look back. She's strong, and I daresay she's stronger than me because when I love someone it's hard to simply shut those feelings off when it ends. To my credit I am a much more independent and whole person than I was last year. All of the things that happen to me help me in some way and I know that if this ends the love withdrawl will not be nearly as bad as last time. But still, it's like knowing your wisdom teeth are coming in all impacted. You know that perhaps, in a long time, you may have to get them all out and that will surely suck a lot. In the meantime you try pretend that will never happen.

Love is a big deal.

(12/24/2002; 10:28am) - Gotta go out with a bang...

GF finished her last final yesterday. I napped. Woke up. Over to midtown bar with GF for her company XMas party, It was very special. We partied like rock stars.

Party was 11-1, at 1 a group of us headed downtown to a gay club called Splash which only got into because I was with a bunch of gay dudes. We danced the night away and closed the place down. All of her gay coworkers love me; they were asking us when me and her were going to get married. Jesus, not anytime soon was our answer.

I realize this post is not coherent or nearly as interesting as the fun night warrants and therefore I will cut it off before

(12/23/2002; 10:01am) - The clincher...

I forgot the best(worst?) part about my new dentist's office:
There was actually a NY State license plate on the wall that read TOOTH. My friends were saying that that's cool, but come on guys- a LICENSE PLATE on the wall of a DENTIST'S OFFICE? What's next, a hubcap collection? A spare tire in the corner? It's not a friggin garage!

This dentist seems to have no idea what he's talking about; I hope he's at least a stand-up type of guy and lays $5,000 on me for losing his bet to me. He said he was flying to the West Coast for X-Mas and that he would call me when he came back to NYC. I gave him the name and number of the D.D.S. who rebuilt my front teeth; my new dentist said he would check into it when he got back. Bitch better gimme my money or I'm switching dentists.

(12/23/2002; 03:48pm) - Tentative schedule for next 4 days:


5:30pm: leave work
6pm: nap time
9pm: wake up, shower, pack up stuff for work tomorrow and presents for people at home in CT
10pm: meet up with GF
11pm: go to her work X-Mas party at midtown bar
1am: afterparty!!!

-[sleep? no sleep? who knows!]-


9am: go to work
2pm: leave work, meet brother at car, drive to CT
7pm: Christmas dinner w/ fam at friends' place, a lifelong tradition, not to be missed
10pm: out to Tommy's bar?

-[sleep is a must at this point]-

Christmas Day:

11am: wake up, exchange presents
noon: eat
1pm: bet you anything I'll take a nap
7pm: dinner w/ fam at home

-[sweet, glorious sleep]-

Dec 26th:

5:30am: wake up
6am: drive back to city
10am: back to work, dangit
5:30pm: off work, I will see my GF tonight if I have battle the forces of darkness to do so!
exchange presents w/ her?

(12/20/2002; 12:10am) - You know you need to find a new dentist when...

...the dental assistants are ghetto-fabulous.
...the girl doing your X-rays fucks up so that you get irradiated 5 times in one morning as opposed to 2.
...the girl cleaning your teeth drops stuff and bumbles around to an alarming extent.
...the entrance to the waiting room is through one dirty door that opens directly onto 2nd Ave in Harlem.
...the chair and dental equipment appear to be 2 or 3 decades old.
...the dentist is a full 20 minutes late to the office. ("Bad traffic!" Uh huh)
...the dentist argues with you, telling you that your two front teeth are real teeth, when in fact you distinctly remember both of them being knocked out while playing soccer in 4th grade, as well as the multiple trips to the oral surgeon to have caps put on.
...the dentist so adamantly insists that your two front teeth are real that he bets you $100 that they are your real teeth, and when you decline to take the bet, he raises the bet to $1000, and finally an astronomical $5000, at which point you decide to shut up about your dental history and just agree with the fucking idiot.

Um, yeah, so I visited my new dentist for the first (and probably last) time this morning. Thanks Managed DentalGuard for appointing this maniac as my primary care dentist, I will be changing dentists very soon.

The good news: I have excellent teeth. Even the two fake ones in front.

(12/19/2002; 10:09am) - Mariah Carey is a wacko, hack our site again, shall we go to war?

Work is getting monotonous. Come in, check email, fiddle around, get coffee. Hopefully get a project to do. Something for lunch. Slow afternoon. Leave spent, probably for lack of stimulation.

The highlights of my day are always virtual, streaming in through 1s and 0s. Reading Boondocks and Get Fuzzy online. Shooting the shit in our beloved fora. The odd phone call from friend/family. Oh hey! Another holiday gift basket full of cookies and chocolate to make us fatter! Is there any fruit up in there? Ugh, uber-sticky candied apricots? That'll have to do.

Fun part of yesterday? Seeing my GF for 5 minutes before work, and going to the gym after.
And eating ants on a log for dinner.

Tonight there's Joy 6 (DB, Frankie Bones, X-Dream, Nigel Richards, Knowledge, etc) at Shelter but my GF has to study and my friends are otherwise occupied. Poop. I may go it alone but I may veg on the couch instead.

Fun things to look forward to:
Dentist appt on Fri morn (hey, at least it breaks up the monotony!) and my boss' X-Mas party friday night.

Okay, I'm going to wrap this up because I realize that I'm beginning to wear James van der Beek's crazy face from The Rules of Attraction, and that's just bad news.

B out, intellectually catatonic

(12/16/2002; 11:54am) - There's no reason for me to be here...

I mean, I have to be here so that I don't use up one of my sick or personal days.
But I'm not doing anything. At all. Really. I have no work to do. I've been surfing the net all day. I'd actually LIKE to have something to do, the day passes faster that way.

I'd rather be in bed. Preferably with my woman.

We went out last night to Limelight, Vitor Caulderone was spinning some decent house. Not my favorite shit to dance to but it's a fun place to be and a great place to party with my GF. Stayed out till 3 or so, then back to her place to watch silly TV. We watched MSNBC Investigates: Underground Dog Fighting!!! It was funny, they made pitbulls out to be basically insane rabid killers, and their owners to be heartless violent felons, neither of which is true. As we watched this her pitbull was curled up on the bed with us, laying on his back with his paws in the air as she scratched his tummy. He was smiling and after a couple minutes, he started to snore and pretty much looked very cute and contented.

I didn't get to sleep till 5 something so today is yet another cracked-out, sleepy day at the office with nothing to do.

On the up side, a most amazingly sweet and wonderful email from my GF was waiting for me in my inbox today, an earnest declaration of love whch made me fly.

I found some sidewalk chalk yesterday and left her some notes on her doorstep for her to find when she came home yesterday. Things with her are peachy. So no matter how lame work is, I really can't complain.

B out

(12/13/2002; 09:55pm) - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly on Friday the 13th

-Billy Crystal
-Watching the sun rise this morning with my girl
-Being decisive when it counts
-Being able to wear jeans to work today
-having a weekend ahead with no plans

-Not enough sleep
-Feeling tweaked out at work
-Getting to office early; no one here; nothing to do
-Lots of people are sick! WTF!?
-Suddenly burning bridges, in theory
-Having to help my boss move offices today

-Me, of course, what did you expect?
-Current local & global political climates

(12/12/2002; 05:27pm) - Perfunctory. Compulsory...

...words I don't use enough in my everyday speech. (And for good reason- I can hardly pronounce them!)
This is an obligatory blog, a token blog, if you will.
For nothing much happened today.
This time of the year the real estate market slows. I guess. We'll see if the same thing happens next year. Slow days at work sorta drag; I enjoy being busy and productive. Today was so slow that I went shopping at Bloomingdale's and Express. Didn't buy anything; I can't afford to.

GF sent me an animated greeting featuring a chihuahua pissing everywhere to the tune of some Christmas song. How sweet of her!
She's awesome as usual.
I drank a tad too much last night and woke up with a slight headache.

See? Nothing happened.
I'm going home now to make ants on a log for dinner.
Watch TV, drink tea.

B out

(12/11/2002; 10:31am) - All you need is just a little patience...

...and whatever you want will come to you.

Got email from ex today.
Synopsis, with sentence fragments, to make a long story short:

"I picked up on the following hints you dropped:
-didn't answer any of my calls except when I called you from someone else's number
-seemed hesitant to talk to me on phone
-did not come to my party after you said you would.
I feel we're close enough to cut thru the BS.
We could still have a beautiful friendship.
Write back and tell me why you're doing this or I'm going to assume you want to have nothing to do with me."

In my opinion you sorta lose friendship priveledges when you break someone's heart.
And don't act like you don't know why they're mad at you or perhaps don't want to see you.

When I see pictures of my ex I don't think about the many good times, I think instead about the hellish 8 months during which she pulled away from me and strung me along, slept with other people, asked me to stop calling her, etc etc etc.


B out, evil grin permanantly affixed!!!

(12/10/2002; 09:58am) - Last night...

...was pleasantly uneventful.
Had a sweet workout at the gym, grabbed some boneless spareribs on my way home.
Showered, watched the history of radio on the History Channel with my roomie.
Drank Sleepytime tea with honey.
Passed out to the Daily Show.
Got disjointed phone call from GF; I was sleepy, she was stressed.
Her workload at skool is getting to her. Poor thing.

Her dog caught & ate a rat last night in the Park, his hunting skills heightened by the ice-covered ground; but not before the rat managed to nip his lip. So he left a trail of blood behind him as he walked. It was a while before my GF realized he was squirting blood. Pit bulls just DON'T CARE when they get hurt. This dog will literally fight until it is dead. It's like a Hell's Angel or a Viking or something. She managed to get him to a friend's house to clean out the wound and by the time she wrote me an email to tell me about it at 3 AM, she said the bleeding had slow to a trickle.

Her dog



Bought a bacon egg & cheese wrap this morning.
I should try to save some money again this week.

B out, and I'm taking my boring day with me!

(12/09/2002; 05:56pm) - Not going

It's 6PM, Monday. I am leaving work.
Spent much of today wrestling with printers.
I'm going home, changing, going to the gym.
Then I'm going home to shower, make tea and chill in front of the TV and computer.
I'm not going to my ex's holiday party, even though she's expecting me.
I hope I make her cry.
Merry Christmas.

B, Homeward Bound.
Maybe I'll listen to Simon & Garfunkel's "Concert in the Park" CD tonight while I chill.

(12/09/2002; 02:13pm) - Decisions, decisions...

I've gotten a couple of eVites to my ex-GF's X-Mas party. Not only did I not reply to them but I took myself off of the eVite guest list (thanks eVite!). I thought that action would speak for itself but it was actually her roommate who sent out the eVite so I don't think she got the message.

So in a carefully orchestrated move, she called me last night from a number which was not programmed into my cell phone. It was strange, she caught me off-guard this time; the last 3 times she called I was able to send her to voice mail and not talk to her. The first thing she asked me (3 times, no less) was if everything was alright. As in, why hadn't I called her back? I ignored the question. After a relatively pleasant conversation, she informed me that she was having an X-Mas party tonight and she'd really really love it if I could come. I said I would try to drop by and took down her address. Why did I say that? I'm not sure, but the surprise phone call did not allow me to prepare for what I really wanted to say, which is:

"How can I possibly be friends with someone who made me feel worse about myself than anyone else ever has? Why do I want to reopen that old wound? What makes you think you deserve the priveledge of my friendship?" and all sorts of drivel like that.

My wonderful and understanding GF said that I should go, but I kinda don't want to. My GF has a one-strike-you're-out policy with people she associates with: if they fuck up, then fuck em. Who needs friends that make you feel shitty or fuck you over? That's a pretty awesome way to be happy all the time: don't stand for people fucking with you.

And it's a way of living that I'm trying to adopt. So if I go to this party, it means I've caved in a bit. And I don't want my ex to have any control over my life at all, which is why I've beed debating not going tonight.

Or, alternatively, showing up and explaining to my ex that I did indeed know about the party and that I lied to her last night when I said I hadn't gotten the eVite. And that I don't want to be friends with someone who has made me feel as bad as she did. And to have a good life, and don't call me anymore.

That would make me feel good.
But as I read back over what I just wrote I realize that I've already lost; I've already devoted quite a bit of thought to this and in doing so, I have let my ex exert control over my life again, which is exactly what I was trying to keep from happening. All this pisses me off to no end.

After talking to my GF last night I decided to not decide until this evening. If I feel like going, I'll go. If not, then I just won't go.

Annoyingly, today I A) decided definitely NOT to go
and B) decided to go but to show up at my leisure and leave after an hour.

About to cave in like a Roofied 16-yr-old at a frat party...

B, still on the fence, out.

(12/08/2002; 01:02pm) - Everything you do matter in some way

Last night I got hellaciously drunk.
I went to Tower's B-Day bash at his apt and at Welcome to the Johnsons'...
I came, I drank, I conquered.

I opened a beer with the key to my apt.

I bent the key.

I bent it back into shape.

I proceeded to get waaaay more drunk.

I came home at (fill in the blank) o'clock in the morning and broke my weakened key off in the door to my apt.

Rang buzzer repeatedly till my sleepy roommate let me in.
(We won't mention how I was wandering around in her room, college-style, at 5 in the morning, until she asked me what the fuck I was doing IN HER ROOM AT 5 IN THE MORNING, at which point I left and found my way to the bathroom. Just glad I didn't pee in her room, as I am wont to do in those situations)

She had already called the locksmith when I awoke today. It cost me $55.

That's an expensive beer.

(12/07/2002; 06:14pm) - Bloggin', chill weekend, finally a chance to relax

Okay, let's see if this works:

The mess above supposedly will put my IsMyBlogHotOrNot rating into my blog. I guess. This kumpuder doohickey is complicated.

Yesterday, after recovering from company Christmas party-induced hangover, had a very boring, chill day at work. Left early to meet up with siteOp on 22nd St where we checked out a VERY EXPENSIVE apt (copy & paste: that we're thinking about buying...


Back to my place for tea, then out with my bro and his friend to Copperfield's, my local hangout. Then siteOp went home. Then I went with bro & friend for Indian food. Then I passed the fuck out.

Got lotsa sleep, finally.

Woke up today, made one of things I'm giving to GF for X-Mas, went to gym, came home and made the best omelette I've made yet (3 jumbo eggs, bacon, sauteed onions, cheddar cheese). Goddamn.

Now, chillin, reading HS Thompson's Hells Angels, drinking coffee, listening to trance, bloggin. Waiting for my beaustful, wonderful GF to wake up. Hope I get to see her before she rushes off to work. Loving our polar opposite schedules!!!

So far a really great weekend.

B out, content.

(12/06/2002; 11:15am) - Wunter Winderland

Last night was the company X-Mas party. It was in a very swank bar/laounge on 58th called Au Bar. Hot chix walking around in white coats serving hors d'oeuvres (wow, I can't believe I remembered how to spell that), champagne and wine, surly Xena-look-alike bartenders, a dinner which I drank through. I started with 3 glasses of champagne, then 2 or 3 Bailey's on the rocks (that was the point where Benny made a wrong turn), then 3 or 4 Jack-and-cokes. Uh... yeah.

I thought to myself at the time "Boy, every time I mix alcohol like this, I'm sorry the next day."

But my hangover isn't all that bad. I nursed myself sober with a bacon egg & cheese wrap, a coffee and a liter and a half of water so far.

After I left Au Bar (with my boss and my bosses' boss) I went to Webster Hall to meet my GF, and, as it turns out, her ex (whose name is also Ben). We danced, I drank water. My GF thought it was cute that I was all drunk. Which is good. It's way better than being pissed at me!

Took a cab back uptown with my GF and I passed out. She stayed up all night doing HW.

Other things from yesterday: bought a loaf of bread and made myself and a coworker fluffernutters for lunch. Yes, I keep Skippy creamy peanut butter and marshmallow fluff on my desk. Went shopping after work at Express, which now sells men's clothes on the upper level. Damn that shit is mad cool. Think of a cross btwn Structure (which Express took over) and Diesel. Then cut Diesel's prices by 60% and you have ExpressMen. Bought a sweater and jeans, spent pretty much what I earned yesterday, if you wanna break it down that way. Dope.

Okay, I haven't done crap at work yet today, my boss isn't even here, He always takes the day off after the X-Mas party. Pussy.

Thank god it's friday, I can't wait to fucking CHILL this weekend! Sounds like a massive video game binge tonight at the HQ.

B out, queasy and sleazy

(12/05/2002; 10:09am) - It seems this blog is the most popular part of melounge

...or something to that effect.

Who knew my existence was so meaningful?

I am in much higher spirits today than I have been.

Have chilled with the boys a bunch this week, it was great to see our little poocat alive and kicking fuckin HARD! Have a safe trip back to MegaTokyo, dude.

I am not dying, or sick, or anything. Save for a nagging and persistent ENORMOUS CRANIUM, I am perfectly healthy.
I told my GF the reason for my aforementioned condition (see below), and we will wildly and persistantly attempt to relieve me of my ache in the near future. So that's good.

It's snowing! YAY! I get all excited for the first real snowfall. Wish I was out riding today.
To celebrate I started my day with a hot chocolate with little fake marshmallows as opposed to a coffee.

And, tonight is the holiday party for my company, the first of 5 parties I'm going to in the next 2 weeks. Good God.


It seems that, for lack of anything to complain about, I'm at a loss for words. B out

(12/05/2002; 05:51pm) - It's a Bukaki X-Mas

Far past going-home time. Tonight is the company holiday party. I wanted to go home and change in the hour and a half we have before it starts, but my boss told me that it's a dressy-type party. I originally was going to throw on a pair of jeans and a sweater.

So really there's no point in me going home now, plus I have to get some shit done before 1PM tomorrow so I might as well start on it now.


I got to help a power broker revise/develop some copy for a huge brochure he's getting published to sell this "Tower Penthouse" on 22nd street. That was pretty cool because my boss called me into the meeting to help them out. I'm sorta recognized in the office as the one to go to with grammatical and spelling questions. Sorta flattering.

Fun times.

I'm going shopping now as opposed to sitting here in the damn office.

I guess I can't complain, it's open bar and free food.

The only hitch is that my GF can't come- no outside people can. And I have to deal with all these asshole annoying brokers so it's almost not worth it.

B out, spreading holiday cheer up on your sister's face

(12/04/2002; 12:28am) - So everyone get ready for a good hearty laugh

Um, right.
So I got a physical today at my new Dr's office. Right around the corner from work. He's mad cool. I think he had 8 diplomas on his wall or something.

So I don't have tesicular cancer.
I don't have anything.
Save for slightly high blood pressure (136/60, perhaps due to anxiety about my Dr visit), I am perfectly healthy.

So why did (do) my nuts hurt occasionally, Doc?

"Irregular ejaculation."

As in, try to ejaculate more conistently.

As in, my Doctor says that I should have sex more often.

This will come as no surprise to my freinds, who know that pretty much all thru college I had a GF who I would only see on weekends. Weekends were spent fucking. And during the week when thursday or friday rolled around I'd start getting pretty aggro. "Benny, are you pissed because you haven't gotten laid in 4 days?" "YES!@$*&#!!!"

I almost had him write out a perscription for me to give to my GF.
She woulda laughed her ass off.

Problem solved.

Oh yeah, and they drew some blood.

anyone who knows me knows that I loathe one thing over everything else: needles.
I fucking hate needles.
But, like a big boy, I managed to remain conscious throughout.
Fuck I hate needles.

Healthy B out

(12/03/2002; 11:23am) - For the record...

It should be noted that my balls hardly ache at all today. I
A) wanked a lot in the past few days and
B) didn't lift weights at all since Friday.

It is possible that I strained myself while lifting. At the end of my workout I walked by a leg-press machine, which works the quads and glutes (thighs and ass), which pretty much surround the groin. I think I did 3 or 4 sets of 10 reps each, starting at 285lbs or something and going up. My last set was like 315 or 345lbs, which may explain the strain. That's a lot of weight.

Appt with the doc tomorrow should explain everything. As Steph said, don't worry about it now. If it's anything at all, you will nip it in the bud and it won't be a big deal.

(12/02/2002; 10:25am) - an entry. about wanking.

Last night I mentioned my achy ball to the boys and they asked me if I was wanking enough. Well, sure, I said, I wanked today already.
Since then, just to cover all the bases, I've been wanking a lot more than normal and I think it's helping. I'm still gonna call my doc to set up an appt to get checked out, but I will continue to step up the wanking because I think it may help. This ache may also be psychosomatic, which is weird but not out of the question.

(12/02/2002; 01:04pm) - Slow work day, can you tell?

Made appt with Dr for Wednesday, same Dr my bros go to. On Madison Ave, no less. I couldn't believe he could take me so soon. The nurse asked me if anything was wrong and I neglected to tell her about my ballz. I'll tell the doc when I get there.

So I suppose there's no need to worry myself now; if there's anything wrong I can't do anything anyway, and I've taken the neccessary big-boy steps to take care of the problem.

It's so silly; if I have other crap occupying my mind I don't even think about my ball, which leads me to believe there's nothing really wrong.

Another possibility is that you can hurt your nuts by lifting weights that are too heavy, I forget what this is called but it has a name. And I did that on Friday or something so that may be an explanation. I'm going to try to pinpoint that one by lifting lots of weights again tonight. If my nut aches more after that then we've figured it out.

It doesn't even HURT, it just feels funny.

What the hell

this is silly

B back to werk

(12/02/2002; 01:03pm) - Slow work day, can you tell?

(12/01/2002; 07:23pm) - CT, turkey and my nuts

Thought I'd update the Dizzy while at melounge HQ.

Sunday, post-Thnksgvg.
A good long weekend, spent it with friends and fam in CT. Nice to see Dad, bros, sis-in-law, old friends again. Lotsa old friends from HS, getting fucking hammered, driving drunk thru suburban CT together, as we are wont to do.

I stayed sober for the most part, I haven't been big on drinking lately. Saving $$$ and my gut.

Besides all the fun people, CT is boring. I was at a bar called the Spigot with about a dozen friends. At 1:30AM they were flashing the lights, kicked us out by 2. A few weekends ago I went out dancing in NYC at 9AM. Different scene, it's like another galaxy. In CT afterhours are spent at someone's house, drinking more, smoking, and/or going to the diner. That's it. Good luck finding a place to dance or even good music. Oh well.

My baby spent the long weekend sick & working. Poor girl. She's still sick and she has HW to do, sleep to catch up on, and she misses me as much as I miss her.

Other news; my right testicle hurts. Not bad, just achy. Has been for a couple weeks, on and off. With all the occurrances of cancer around me, I'm not going to fuck around anymore. I'm calling my health-plan appointed Dr and making an appt with him tomorrow. This is important. Cancer is uncool and my right ball is achy and somewhat harder than my left.

The only non-cancer explanation I can think of is two summers ago I got hit in the nuts real hard while riding my trick bike at Chelsea Piers. Collided with a rollerblader. Ow. It was swollen and bruised for a couple days.

I'm a worrier too and I think about it all the time. It's sorta driving me nuts, ni pun intended. I haven't mentioned it to very many people, I don't wanna worry anyone else unneccessarily...

Anyway, hang time with the boys.

B out

(11/27/2002; 01:51pm) - Finally! Something fun! No more bitching about dollar$!!!

Yes, the Dizzy has been exceptionally boring lately. I have been exceptionally boring lately. I have been trying to spend as little $crilla as possible and there I have been doing... nothing.


Last night Nate flew in from Park City, Utah. He just got a job for the season teaching skiing in the ski school in Jackson, WY.
To celebrate, I took him out to Jackson Hole on 2nd Ave, home of the Stupendously Large, Boner-Encouraging Burger with the Clownishly Small Bun. (SLaBE BuCS Bun) I got BBQ sauce, sauteed onions, some kinda cheese, bacon, tomato and lettuce on my Slabe BucsBun. Nate got some more assorted crap on his. I think there was a vole in there, and some fresh daisy petals, and a D sharp xylophone key. Seriously, they have some insane burgers.

We also drank beer.

Then we went to Who's On First so Nate could hit on the exceptionally cute bartender while we drank more beer, and a couple Jaegermeisters.

My GF joined us there for a spell before going to see 8Mile with a friend.

Nate and I then moved our asses on down to the downtown ("Real") Hogs and Heifers where we proceeded to drink many, many $1.75 Pabst Blue Ribbons and shots of Jaeger. Nate has this thing about Jaeger, as in he orders it constantly, at inopportune times, without asking you if you want any. We love Jaeger but this can be the death blow for other people less accustomed to its nappy goodness. We drank. We ogled the chicks. We cheered them when they danced on the bar. We booed the yuppies (oh, how ironic!). We ran the pool table. We stayed out till 4, and I had to get up at 8. FUN FUCKIN TIMES!!!! The kid's a fucking riot. Last time he came thru (see Dizzy several months ago) we drank with such gusto that Nate stayed in bed until 9 the NEXT night with severe alcohol poisoning. Good man.

We drunkenly met back up with my GF and her friend at an UES diner to cap off the night with Sleepytime tea and tales of H&H. A Beautiful Night. I believe I ranted at the cabbie the whole ride uptown. I have no idea what I said. I think I was funny.

Oh, and I found the best website ever. Look in Treasure or just scoff at my poor web skills and copy and paste the following:

Enjoy, you fucking freaks.
B out

(11/26/2002; 02:08pm) - Could be worse.

Crazy day.
Short week at work, tomorrow is even a short day.

This is good, but not when paired with A) our systems being switched over from "RealFast" to "RealPlus" and B) two of my coworkers out of the office.

The systems switch means that I have to make sure I can still do everything I used to- working off of our servers, proper communication between my desktop and my virtual desktop, file transfers, etc- while still actually DOING that stuff. And I have to learn how to do all my absent coworker's shit again on the new system. But his system is halfway in between functional and not, which makes it hard to upload anything onto our servers. So that's why I have time to write this.

Didn't get to see GF last night, I passed out at 8 or so before she got out of class. Crap. That may have been the last opportunity to see her before I go away for Thanksgiving. Not fun times.

The PB&Js I made for lunch which went uneaten yesterday I brought back to work again today. Ate the first early. Yum. Tried to eat the second just now. It was terribly soggy. Gross. Fuck it.

Spent $3.98 yesterday on a tuna broccoli salad and a grapefruit. That was dinner and breakfast (along with 3 eggs and a piece of toast for brekkie too). WHo says you can't eat cheap in Manhattan?

My boy Nate flies in tonight; we're traveling up to CT with my borther wed night. I love seeing Nate, he's like another brother to me. But having him here tonight may mean no nookie for Benny. Oh well.

Summary of past 24 hours:
Not enough GF.
Spent very little $$$.
Ate boring food.
Falling asleep at work.
Could be worse.

B out

(11/25/2002; 12:30am) - Faster still

Monday, workday, quickly:
Spent some cash this weekend, not too much.
$27: groceries. I needed steak last night, and that's that.
$15: Reduced entry into Limelight, Grand reopening, last night at midnight. Somehow I'm surviving on 3 hours of sleep.
$10: Cab ride home at 4:30AM this morning.

Made PB&Js for lunch but Mikey called and asked if I wanted to do lunch. Yeah!

Short week ahead. Wed is a half day. I might even take that off to go snowboarding.

I still never see Steph as much as I'd like to. This week will be spent at home in CT for the most part, no Steph. Boo.

I almost had a nervous breakdown friday, I think I'm really worried about terrorism & war & retarded politics. I'm a worrier. Got shit from the boss for leaving early Friday night(5:10 as opposed to 5:30. Lick me.).

I feel better now.

Have been entertaining notions of quitting to work at Roxy w/ Steph.

(11/25/2002; 05:05pm) - Time keeps on slipping

Spent $10 at lunch w/ Mikey. That Cajun chicken sandwich with coleslaw on a peppered brioche is almost worth it.

I have to work a half day wednesday; no snowboarding pre-Thnxgvg. :(
May see Steph tonight. Neither of us slept very much last night. Crack.
I love that girl.
Workday almost done.
B out

(11/23/2002; 09:38pm) - faster

Felt a little anxious at home after work, much like how I felt in previous post. Called Dad about some shit that was bothering me; cleared shit up between us, that felt better.
Missed 2 calls while listening to some loud Bob Marley: my GF and my ex. The call from my ex, after a bit of deliberation, I chose not to return. My GF on the other hand I called back right away. Hearing from her made me feel better even though she was all wound up due to various stresses. She calmed down and I spoke to her later and was reminded how beautiful love can be.
Saw my baby for 1/2 an hour while she took care of a cat , then she went off to work. Hung with the boyz after that, spent $20 on beer & food. Sent them home, went to GF's work to hang out at around 2AM. Got to meet her cool coworkers, spent much-needed time with her, danced a bit in steel-toed boots. Ouch. Made it home at around 5AM. A good night.

Woke up to call from my bro,at 11:30 AM (ouch not enough sleeeep) got ready fast, hopped in his car, jetted to Qns to watch UMich lose to OU, ate Jon's chili & cornbread, drank a beer. A good afternoon. Came home. Picked up laundry & dry cleaning, $15. Took a nap. Lifted weights. Considered going to gym. Didn't. Tried to make definite plans with friends for the evening. Didn't. Decided to blog before too much happened this wkend for me to remember.

Plans for Sat night: Hopefully see GF for a bit B4 she goes to work, maybe go to gym w/ her. Then after she's gone go to the Bond flick w/ boys. Then maybe out to trippy Burning Man decompression party in DUMBO where I'm supposed to volunteer. i don't think I will but who knows? When I get there they may still need a hand. Hope fully I won't have to pay cover. May bring my camera.

Nap time again. I'm like a 5-year-old.

(11/22/2002; 12:38am) -

An addendum to my spending this week:
I think somewhere in there I forgot about the burger and baked potatoo I got at BK the other day, $2, and the Nesquik chocolate milk I bought two days ago. $1.50. This month my blog is doing double-duty as my financial record, that's the only reason I'd even bother with such trivialities.

Last night, another $0.75 of Tylenol PMs. I think by taking them for 2 nights I've kicked this cold. Provided I go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, I should be done with it.
Ate another burger for dinner last night, essentially free (see previous entry for my free food theory).

Today, $2.75 !!! for a quart of OJ. Good to stay hydrated and get lotsa Vitamin C.

And, a boon:
Had to print something immediately upon arrival at work this morn, a cover for a packet for a $4 Million dollar apt. Had to be nice, on photo paper. Got bosses' asst to call a special messenger for me. The guy turned up, inexplicably, 5 minutes later. Now, it takes 10 minutes to print really nice photo-quality images, and another 10 minutes for them to dry on the photo paper. Add in 20 minutes for me to wrestle with my printer and get it to print correctly, and it's no wonder the messenger left without my package. Fcukface. So I had to deliver it to our Eastside offices myself. Turns out the receptionist there had a coupon for "One free drink of any kind" at Starbucks. SCORE! I hadn't had my coffee yet. Went to Starfucks, ordered a Venti (huge) Mocha something or other with two EXTRA shots of espresso, for a total of 4 shots in the drink. I'm STILL HIGH off the caffeine. The free drink would have cost me $5.70. Holy shit. Making lemons into lemonade.

This receptionist hasn't seen me since September, she asked me if I was on a diet (huh?) because I was so skinny. Skinny? She asked me if I am in love... why, yes, but that doesn't have anything to do with... oh. Maybe it does. Well, I never meant to get "skinny". I need to eat more, to be sure, it's hard when you're trying to save $$$. I guess I really must be losing a lot of fat if my face looks skinny, that's a little disconcerting. Oh well.

My normal weight is 178-180. I now weigh 173-174. That's not so bad.

Skinny Benny out. Almost time for my daily PB&J and carrots for lunch. Duh, no wonder I'm skinny...

(11/22/2002; 04:20pm) - Time to slow down. at least it's the weekend

So for the past 4 hours I've been in an extremely negative mood, sorta sick inside my head, I think sitting here in front of my computer, clicking on, thinking about how wrong everything is, has been really getting to me. Couple that with trying to kick a cold, and never seeing my GF, and being generally sick of work, I've been experiencing a sort of bad trip. That's the closest approximation. Less intense, of course, but I definitely fel like I need to chill out a bunch this weekend. All this hecticness has been getting to me. I think I will remain sober, too, that should help.
I feel a bit better now. I resolved to walk home from work, should only take about 25 minutes, just to clear my head. The prospect of that cheered me up.
Hopefully I get to see my girl tonight, too, that should be nice.

Seriously, that was bad. I gotta stop worrying about politics and the impending war, it's buggin me out. Ignorance is bliss. I'm torturing myself about things that I have no control over.
Not smart.

But I keep fantasizing about leaving this ridiculous, hectic, wasteful lifestyle behind and moving out west to join my boy Nate, who seems to have things figured out for himself. He teaches people how to ski during the winter, the summers he either does the same in Chile or he works in a restaurant. That's a lot simpler than living in NYC, working corporate, killing myself in 800 different ways.

Anyway, these negative feelings are beginning to pass, so that's good. I'm so weary, so tired of all this negative energy in the world. So many bad thing have happened, are happening, will happen.

But the less I think about that the happier I am. Here we go, trying to find happiness amidst the horror...

wish me luck


(11/21/2002; 12:20am) - No spending month, week 2, Thurs

Spent $4.50 last night on a loaf of rye bread and 2 yogurts.
Made my absolute favorite burger out of 1/2lb of ground sirloin, sauteed onions & melted swiss on toasted rye.
I also made an omelette this morning with some left over goat cheese. That was dope. Leftover cheese I consider to be free. Anything you find in the fridge and you can't remember buying is "free" in my book. Like the onion is used last night. I think that was my roomie's. Ooops. Bwahahahahaa!!!!!!

Fun for the night: $0.75 on 2 Tylenol PMs. Got zonked out of my mind and passed out before the Victoria's Secret fashion show, which came on at 9PM. Oh well, like I need to be any more sexually frustrated... that wouldn't have helped. I haven't seen Steph since Monday morning. Various factors have contributed to the lack of a tangible GF this week, not the least of which is the fact that I'm sorta sick. Ballz. It's hard to have someone so wonderful in your life that you never see...

My friend Art from HS is inexplicably in the NYC area, working upstate and until yesterday was living in Tribeca. He's moving a bit upstate but he'll be in the city a bunch in the future which is cool.

My friend Nate, who is working out west for the ski season again, is flying in on Tuesday night. If the snow is falling in VT next week me and him are gonna bust up to CT for Tuesday night and I'm gonna take Wed off to go snowboarding with him. This was his suggestion. I think he's trying to get me out on my stick to make up for me not being able to go to Vail in Dec. And that will definitely be fun!

I still haven't called my ex back. She called last week, and I can't say that I feel any inclination to call her. The more emotional distance I put between us, the less I feel I owe her. What do you say to someone who broke your heart? "Hi, yeah I'm doing well, finally. I'm with someone who loves me and is trustworthy. How bout your stoner BF? Doing well? Oh that's just peachy. You two gonna go up to Kenny G's house in Canada again this winter...?"

So spending very little money isn't really all that fun, but it will be nice to know that in January after all the holiday spending is over, I will still have some money sacked away in the bank. Supposedly we get a modest Christmas bonus here at Halstead. That will help, I guess.

Bottom line:
Still a bit aggro towards Dad and ex-GF. Being sick doesn't help my mood. I miss my GF and my friends and spending money. But all in all I'm setting myself up for the good times to come. This is known as delayed gratification.

B out

(11/20/2002; 01:46pm) - Middle of Week 2, No Spending Month

Let me see:
Last night I was forced to go food shopping, I had nothing to eat.
Bought 1lb ground sirloin, a grapefruit, a dozen eggs, 1 bag baby carrots. I'm so goddamned healthy. Plus I took out a $20. $27.
Rented Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, $4, at Mikey's suggestion. He said it was ridiculously hysterical. It's obvious to me that, like a Pavlovian dog, he must roll a joint during the previews of every movie he rents. But it was pretty funny sober...
Last night's total expenditures, $11. Not bad.
Today, bought a banana. $0.25.

Got a call from Dad, who asked me what I had arranged for Vail trip. Told Dad I was cancelling out due to lack of money. He sounded sorta disappointed in me, sorta like he expected me to be planning my finances wisely n stuff now that I have this incredible job... BONGyoooooooooooo!!! Heh.

He also dropped a bomb in that he told me that I "came a long in a relatively affluent time" for him and mom, and that to make up for not being able to do stuff with me and be there for me because of her decade-long battle with cancer, she wrote checks instead. FUCKING THANKS DAD
So in other words I shouldn't have gotten the "rich-boy/royalty" treatment that I did. I should have been raised more modestly. This pisses me off to no end for a lot of reasons. Dad has a lot of money. He was a lawyer for 40 years. What the fuck is waiting for? We're all speeding towards our respective deaths! Spend the fucking money! Lavish gifts on people! *&%$(*&@^&(#$)))) FUCK
Like Christ
okay sorry

And don't fucking bring Mom into this, like it's her "fault" I was raised the way I was or something. Like cancer is the reason I am used to going on cool snowboarding trips each winter. Like mom would have negged on that shit if she was healthy and alive. Yeah fuckin right. We went on a family vacation for a week to Stowe, VT, THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY FUCKING YEAR, until mom got too sick to ski, and then to sick to go at all...

I refuse to accept that mom thought she could make me feel better by writing checks, she and I knew that all I wanted was for her to get better, I would trade all my money, all my education, all my posessions for her to be alive again goddamnit.

Maybe I just took that comment the wrong way, I dunno. I'll have to ask dad about that, but it sure is a fucking dick thing to say. It now makes me really uncomfortable to have this trust fund coming at me in 10 months, like do I save it to raise a family or do I spend some or what? Do I lavish the shit on myself that mom would have lavished on me if she were alive or do I sack it away and forget about it?

Agitated at work
B out

(11/19/2002; 11:17am) - No spending month, week 2, Tuesday, not bad

Yesterday, Monday. I ended up eating my sandwiches early, like I stated below. That means at 3PM I was mad hungry. Went downstairs, got a delicious gyro, devoured it in 3 minutes. $5.35, I think.
That's all I spent yesterday.
Black man called me while I was on the way to his house, implored me to buy him a steak.
I didn't, even though he said he'd pay me back.
Instead, I showed up at his house, played his video games, watched his digital cable, ate his chicken mushroom soup, a slice of his pizza, half of his salad, and a bowl of his cereal. Cuz I'm such a great friend.
Oh yeah, bought a coke. $1.
Not so bad.

Today I needed a change. So I made 2 PB&Js for myself, no fluffernutter today.
I'm a big kid now!


I decided yesterday that I would not go to Vail. I told my brother to try to find someone to fill my bed over so that I wouldn't have to pay the $400 for lodging, but I'm going to have to pay up if no-one else wants to go on this trip. My brother thinks I'm insane because I'm willing to blow $400 on NOT going to CO for snowboarding. Fuck him, he's a single lawyer. Talk about expendable income. He offered to loan me the money for the trip. I declined. I hate owing people money more than anything else.

Oh well. I'll go to Aspen in the spring instead. It'll be cheaper.

Oh, and I'm getting sick. I never sleep enough. Great.

B out

(11/18/2002; 09:35am) - No spending month, week 2.

Well, okay, last week I did great. And this week I will, too. But the weekend... well, how can I not party on the weekend? I mean, this past weekend I didn't spend HALF of what I spent the weekend before, thank God, but I did spend quite a bit. I'm just glad friday was payday, that helps...

Let's see if I can remember... oh, yeah, let me get out the receipts from my wallet...
Uh oh

Friday night, bought Stacker 2s at Rite Aid, $10. Didn't need $10 worth but that was the smallest package they had. (Word to the wise, don't take energy pills and drink coffee and not eat much dinner and go out dancing... serious stomach pains) Also $10 for entrance into an underground party at a flower shop. Oh, and I guess $1 for coffee.

Saturday: bought eggs, cheese & OJ for breakfast, plus took out $20. $27 total.

Sat night: Took out $100 from ATM. There is now $12 in my wallet. That means between Sat night and Monday morning I spent $88. Cabs, some food, a couple of drinks, $30 entrance into a club called Exit at 9:30 AM with Steph... There it goes.

This is why I am eating PB&J for lunch again. Poop.

I am still debating this trip to Vail. I've already got a room in the place my brother and his friends are staying, I had to reserve it with them. Lodging is going to be $400 for me and Steph for 5 nights. So I HAVE to spend that $400 whether I go or not. Lame. But if I go, it's going to hundreds of dollars more. Lift tix, food, drinks. If I don't go Steph will be working at the Roxy on New Years Eve and she says she can get me in. I just want to be with her when the ball drops, that's the main issue here. I'd hate to miss out on snowboarding but Steph's work schedule may not allow her to go to CO with me...

B out, no breakfast today and that PB&J is calling my name.
"Benny... eat meeee...."

(11/15/2002; 11:21am) - I love my Admin tool...

In Steph's words:
"Everybody else sucks so much hard core donkey dick and
balls it is insane!!! At least we are not one of them, we are US! Oh yeah
baby, and to be honest not only are we a cute upper east side couple, we are
the best couple. All fun, no bullshit. Word. UNNNHHHH!"

Holy shit, she really is the female version of me. Beautiful.

No Spending month, Day 3:
last night during my bike ride:
$0.80 for a Coke on St Marks
$1.00 for an iced tea at Chelsea Piers
$.075 for a Snickers bar at the West Side Heliport

Starting at Carl Shurtz park on the East river, 84th St, I rode down along the rivertill the park ended, then down Sutton Place til it ended, then down 2nd Ave to the Lower East side, along the water at the fish markets, South Street Seapot, Battery Park, along the lower West Side, up the water along the west side highway to 57th St, turned east, visited My Clit on 57th & 6th, under the park, up 5th Ave to 84th St, back home. Took 2 hours or so. Ate aforementioned steak. A damn fine night.

Spent $0.25 on a banana this morning. PB&J and a fluffernutter for lunch again. Plus today was payday. Doing well. This weekend I have a full plate of parties/club events to go to. All free. Beautiful. May go to the Gay Expo at the Javits center on sunday with a bunch of crack-out sleepless coworkers of Steph's from the Roxy. Yay!

(11/14/2002; 01:41pm) - Benny visits the poor side of the tracks, day 2. Shaping up well:

An addendum to yesterday's spending: $2.35 for candy, a present for my GF, and $0.35 for a banana.

Breakfast: milk & cereal, $0

Lunch: PB&J & fluffernutter, $0 (This WILL get old. Soon.)

Dinner: huge steak that's been sitting in the back of my freezer. essentially $0, it was cheep anyway, a bottom round steak that requires marinating to be edible. Swimming in a pool of Wochestershire & BBQ sauce in my fridge as I type this.

Evening activity: Bike ride/gym. $0

This has been the first week I can remember in which I took money out of the ATM on Tuesday and still have most of it on Thursday. I wonder if I can make it thru this weekend without taking out more money, that would make me happy. Possibly going to a shindig Friday night, cover=$10. BYOB. Nice.

(11/13/2002; 04:55pm) - Day One of No Spending Month:

-last night:
$15 on beer and nachos (I had to buy this as I went out with my brothers and I couldn't stick them with my end of the tab)
$12 on groceries: Wonder Bread, creamy generic peanut butter, Gallon of OJ

-this morning:
$0.25 for a banana. rest of breakfast consisted of a grapefuit and an egg on toast, all of which I had already bought

$0 (made a PB&J and a fluffernutter)

approx $8 (I am going to have to go to the store tonight to buy TP and shower spray stuff at the request of my roomie.)
I can eat a can of tuna for dinner

This is sad, but neccessary.

I am resigning myself to the neccessity of my New Years trip to Vail. It's gotta happen. The rest of my snowboarding this winter can be in Central Park, but I HAVE to go on this trip, even if it breaks my bank.

1-Off TShirts may actually make me a couple of bucks. Or not. Depends on how cool Andrew & I are....

(11/12/2002; 05:47pm) - Jesus Fuckmonkey Christ

Work was crazy today.
Icing on the cake was realizing that my salaried job with health benefits will NOT support my decidedly non-decadent lifestyle. I have less money right now in my bank account than at any time during the course of my employment. I'm spending more than I'm earning. Future holds fewer movies, drinks, dinners at restaurants, snowboarding (*sniff*), even lunch. I'm going to pack a sandwich or two for lunch for the next month. Hello fluffernutters & PB&Js. What the hell? This bites.
And work was crazy. I routinely work through my lunch hour, scarfing down a sandwich or something else overpriced in 5 minutes or less. And I'm leaving work late AGAIN (like I ever leave early).
My supposed work day:
-Arrive at 9
-Lunch from 12-1
-Leave at 5:30
7&1/2 hrs

My work day in real time:
-arrive between 9:30 and 9:45 (technically late)
-eat lunch from 1-1:05
-leave at 5:45 or 6
That's 8 or 8&1/2 hours when I'm getting paid for 7&1/2. Where's the justice?
I can't wait for March, that'll be a year working here. I'll ask for a raise.
Maybe NEXT winter I can go friggin snowboarding. Grr

(11/11/2002; 12:05am) -

Went to a house party/rave in Astoria very close to HQ. Had a great time; it was very professional for a privately thrown party. I guess charging $10-$15 at the door helps cover the cost of professional lights & good DJs.
Stayed well after all my friends had gone home, danced till 7:30 in the AM. Got the call from my girl who was getting off of work a little bit later; she was equally as energized at that early hour and we met at Exit along with a couple of her coworkers, in addition to her godbrother who's the manager at the Roxy. Danced amongst the gay man-meat till about noon, at which point I was fading. Went up to her apt and re-energized, then down to her mom's palce to pick up her dog. Walked uptown again. Broke out some more fun, spent the entirity of Sunday afternoon/evening off our asses, watching TV, walking around the UES, went to a restaurant and caused some trouble... Fell asleep during the Sopranos. Oops, I misse Ralphie getting decapitated. All in all a great weekend....
Benny out

(11/11/2002; 05:07pm) - My blog is hot.

So, with all due (dis)respect to Mandy WallCandy, I posted my blog to Because I'm a dork. And I have to write this in my blog:
don't ask why.

By the way, the blog entry below has a Sopranos spoiler in it. I'm just telling you this because the site-op got all bent out of shape when he read my previous entry from this morning and found that TONY KILLED RALPHIE AND DECAPITATED HIM WITH THE HELP OF HEROIN GUY!!!! Oh, hey, now there's a Sopranos spoiler in THIS entry... oh well...

(11/05/2002; 10:47am) - War is fucking stupid.

No, really. This shit is getting out of hand.

(11/04/2002; 04:54pm) - Not-So-Deep-Thoughts for the day:

+Some things are worth the wait.

+Some negative circumstances in your life can help you appreciate the positive things

+It's all relative; don't get so wrapped up in yourself that you can't see the big picture

+I still hate our President and the charged political atmosphere he has created

+Love is still more important to me than just about anything else

+Sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut. Offhand comments, even in jest, can hurt people.

(10/29/2002; 02:05pm) - Minutae? Forget about it. Look at the big picture.

Tits. Somehow I just erased a whole Dizzy entry before I could upload it.
The gist was as follows:
I am going to spend the next couple of minutes reflecting on the positive aspects of my life over a cup of hot chocolate.
That's it.

(10/25/2002; 04:41pm) - soothe me

Another day passes, slowly, in the cold.
with only a few hours' sleep, I have been tossed about today like a bouy.

up up
down down

Hot chocolate with little fake marshmallows in it keeps me going

warms me

Fresh memories made last night distract me
in a good way

the new tastes and smells of a new woman
the soft tingles of young love brush against the back of my neck, make me squirm down cozier into my sweater

I can only imagine how comfortable it would be in my cold, dark bedroom, red heat lamp throwing it's warm glow over the place, me snuggled down into my comforter

Instead I will damn the torpedoes, as it were, and venture out into the coming winter to meet some friends

why sleep now, when sleep can be caught in crooks and nannies this weekend?

Laze the mornings away, that's what October's for.

I keep picking petals off the daisies, and with each one I say,

"she loves me"

( 10/ 22/ 2; 02; 04) - Storm Approaching

What a whirlwind! I feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado, so much shit is happening so fast. There's so much sickness and depression around me, people moving in and out of my life, coming and going. Statc gives way to flux.

My love for Steph multiplies, grows in increments, quantum leaps, exponentially.

I am quickly remembering that there's another aspect to love that I had forgotten about, and that is concern. The more I care about Steph the more I want everything to be perfect for her. It aggravates me even more now, if possible, how much she gets harrassed by jackass men on a daily basis. On the phone with her yesterday I heard muffled shouts. She was walking through her neighborhood, some guys were shouting at her that she looked like a Barbie doll. Is that supposed to be a pick-up line or an insult? More likely just idiot guys shouting at the white girl to look mad cool, yo. Glad she takes her pitbull with her everywhere.

Not to mention the Pandora's Box of her psycho ex who will one day show up on her doorstep after weaseling his way back into her circle of friends, despite the many medical and legal reasons why he should not get near her. To say that she and I are in physical danger is not an exaggeration. I'm just praying that there's no situation because someone might get hurt.

Steph conveniently has evening classes when I get off work, so I hardly ever see her during the week. Even better, she has a ridiculous amount of homework and she stays up all night doing it. Then to make up for it we cram as much shit into the weekend as we can, and emerge on sunday night exhausted and sick, deliriously happy and yet sad again because Sunday night means goodbye, with work for me and more homework for Steph.

She's thinking about getting a job, it will be a weekend night job at a club, which is really cool for her in terms of connections, and fun and money. BUT, nights on the weekend is when we spend all our time together. And I'm all for my lady having a job, especially one she's excited about. It just seems like I've finally found someone worth my time and affection and now she won't have time to see me. *sigh*

Such is life. Right after my parents got married my dad left for 2 years to sail around the world in the Navy. I guess these things happen. Gotta roll with the punches.

Hecticness. Still, love carries us on.

( 10/ 18/ 2; 02; 10) - Opening paragraph

She skips the line and walks into the club in her skin-tight black getup, her "catsuit" she calls it. It's a meat market; guys are fawning over her. Drinks are shoved into her hands. She pours them out. "What's your name, beautiful?" She turns away without answering. A guy grabs her elbow. "Get the fuck off me!" She makes a scene, only been at the club 15 minutes. We're uptown when I get the call: "Please get me out of here." We do a U-turn and speed back down the highway. I'm waiting for her outside when she exits. You can almost hear the guys' necks snapping. She walks purposefully up to me and we lock lips for a sweet eternity. She doesn't even notice the yellow Lamborghini I'm standing next to. Why would she care about that car?
"What a bunch of assholes..." she begins as we walk away.

( 10/ 17/ 2; 02; 10) - And just like that... EXPLODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Escaping barrage of phone calls/ print jobs/ emails for the mid-morning Starbucks run.
If I make it to this weekend without getting sick (like all my bubonic coworkers) I'll be a happy Benny.

( 10/ 15/ 2; 02; 04) - *sigh*

I miss you terribly.
All my love,
Your Stephanie

(10/14/2002; 4:50p) - Just run with it

What is this life thing? Am I doing it right?
This feels right, what I'm doing now.
But I've been wrong before. About life. I thought I had it, and then I didn't.
I think I have it again.

("It" not meaning life but rather a satisfactory, comfortable existence)

I just hope... no, shut up, Benny, just enjoy what you have now. The future will come soon enough and you'll find out what it holds when you get there.

( 10/ 10/ 2; 02; 12) -

Still lounging in a pink field, sipping the nectar of life out of orchid cups...

Things peer out of the darkness at the edge of the forest, wishing they could be me.

An Ibiza sunrise sets upside-down in the sky

As music whittles its way West among the flower stems

( 10/ 08/ 2; 02; 11) - Against my better judgment...

Falling, falling, falling
once more

Makes my head spin

( 10/ 04/ 2; 02; 12) - Hey now

Spent 4 hours last night at a bar with some coworkers/bosses/managers from my company. Everybody got pretty sheisty, complete with the hotshot power broker and the Office Manager hitting on female subordinates... shameless and predictable. I, on the other hand, watched this happening in a state of euphoric sobriety, having drunkj my fill the night before. It would have been so easy to get plastered, the power broker was buying everything, He had the kitchen make a couple of steaks and dice them up for easy bartop consumption. He ordered 3 shrimp platters, chicken wings, mozzarella sticks. He kept people's hands full of drinks. I gladly ate most of the steak and shrimp but I didn't drink a thing. And this is the first Friday in a long time that I have been productive and happy and feeling great at work.
Good thing, too, because I'm leaving work at 1PM to get my car, get the headlight fixed, pick up my girl and her friends and drive upstate for weekend majik tyme.

It's weird, the act of NOT drinking can sometimes be as fun as drinking. The next day's always better too.


( 10/ 02/ 2; 02; 11) -

Some days,
no matter how little sleep you got the night before
no matter how much champagne you drank
or how warm the bed was that you just left

when you lick you lips and taste her there
you just gotta smile.

( 10/ 01/ 2; 02; 02) - Dizzy again

Sometimes I want to express my happiness, but then it seems to do so would be gloating.
When so many people around me are so unhappy, what right do I have to be content?
Indeed, a few short months ago I was living at the bottom of the proverbial barrel, no way out, very little light filtering through the muck to the bottom.

But while I looked the other way, life crept up on me again.
Instead of schoolyarding me as usual, it threw me a fastball that I hit out of the park. Go me, it's my birthday!
So I got lucky this time.
Am I supposed to feel bad about that?
That's something I struggle with every day. But happiness is one of those things that's slippery like an eel; it's constantly flowing through your fingers and you have no idea when you're getting near the end until after the fact.

Sooo... what? So, enjoy it while you have it, consume it gluttonously and carelessly and grow fat with glee because when it runs out you'll need to rely on the reserves to get you through till next spring.

So I shan't feel bad for feeling good.
I'm riding a rollercoaster of love and excitement and if it never ends I'll be surprised, but for now the slightly nauseous dizzying heights are better than the terrible depths of despair.

( 09/ 27/ 2; 02; 11) - Zero to Sickening in 1 month! Now that's fast!

So I ain't no dummy. I know that Steph and I are always talking about each other, and we can't keep our hand off of each other when we're together, and more often than not, even when we're hanging out in a group one of us will trail off in the middle of a sentence in favor of kissing the other for minutes on end. It's just like that.
I'm not sure whether it's the new relationship excitement or if it's gonna be like this for the indefinite future. I certainly don't see the passion abating...

And we've talked about this- her friends are all excited for her, they keep telling me that they love and I'm much better than her psycho ex (duh) and that they've never seen her so happy.
I hope my friends feel the same way. I know a lot of my closer friends experienced my post-KT depression firsthand and hated to see me feel that way. So they should be happy to see me happy.

I've never been one of those people who shout "Get a room!" when I see a couple kissing, at least not seriously. I'm always happy when my friends are happy. One of my life missions is to ensure that all of my friends get laid as much as possible. So I just hope they all reciprocate... and they don't get disgusted when I plant some big sloppy kisses on my woman in very public places...

( 09/ 23/ 2; 02; 02) - Ones and Zeros, I miss my Steffie

This morning at 9:30 AM I got off the M86 bus to drop off some film on 3rd Ave. Then I crossed Lex to get to catch the 4-5-6 train downtown to work. I rounded a newsstand to get to the stairs down into the subway and I almost missed it:
"Stephanie Misses Benny" scrawled in chalk right by the stairwell on the sidewalk.
I think I almost cried.

Apparently in my morning haze and my rush to get to work, I missed similar notes and graffiti from my girl written on the sidewalk outside the door to my apartment building, the bus stop where I get on the bus & the stop where I get off the bus. Needless to say I would only see the note she wrote on the Northwest entrance to the 86th Street train station, but there were notes written at the other 4 entrances to the station as well.

We had been planning to tag eachother's neighborhoods but I must say that I was ecstatic that she followed through. This girl kicks ass.

I'm sorta speechless. I can't think of anything else to write. All I know is I wish I was curled up with her in her bed right now instead of making 1s and 0s at work.

Deleriously happy Benny


( 09/ 20/ 2; 02; 12) - This is a sigh of relief in 4-D, passing thru time and space, calming me

My first 50-hour work week ever nears its end.
Midday Friday, looking back, I suppose I have proven my worth to my employers. It was actually kinda cool leaving work in a suit & tie, sunglasses on, at 8PM. I felt useful, sorta, and very yuppie, but hey, I guess that's where I'm at now. I couldn't say that I'd want it to be like this for the rest of my life, because even if you're earning $100K a year, if you have to work 10 hour days, when do you spend all that money? I suppose you could retire early with a huge bank account, but then you've wasted your 20s & 30s and possibly all of your 40s getting all hectic and frantic and sweaty in your office. What kind of life is that?
I'd rather work less, earn less and play more.
Count my pennies, buy that Viper I've always wanted when I turn 27 or so... I am easy to please. Used Vipers go for $30-40K on eBay. That's not entirely out of the question.

Still the long half of the day ahead of me but knowing that I'm free after that is comforting.
Party weekend. Chas coming to town. Prolly gonna wake up at 6AM on Sunday and go to Exit w/ STeph & friends to dance. When the good music is on and the dedicated crowd is there...

Life is peachy now, I made it through my darkness just like I thought I would. I didn't know how long it would take me but as it turns out, it was about 9 or 10 months since KT called it quits.
I don't even miss her anymore except as a friend.

Steph is all I need now, she's everything I didn't realize that I wanted.
I know my friends are happy for me, even though I'm spending less time with them.


( 09/ 17/ 2; 02; 02) -

Haven't felt the need to post my thoughts lately. I guess that means things are on the up & up.
Been sleeping too little and working very hard as my coworkers seem to be mostly sick or on vacation or equally as swamped in work.
Steph is great, as always.
Things have been very jumbled in my head in a sort of raucous party type of way as opposed to a stormy rage kind of way, the former being the better way to have jumbled thoughts.

I feel like life is accelerating... I'm surprised that two weeks have gone by every time I get a paycheck. This disturbs me because I've always wanted to savor my life, and especially my 20s. But I guess jam-packing my days with activities and things to the point of physical exhaustion IS a way of valuing my time. I think I just miss down time. Steph is always on the go, she sorta wears me out. She even wears herself out, the poor thing.

Could be worse. I could be wallowing in self-pity and depression, which I'm not.

I still get the feeling that the world is changing around me in a rapid & uncontrollable manner. Maybe that's just because I was brought up in such a a stable home & family environment that now that I'm more in touch with myself and the world around me, I notice all the changes and they frighten me a little.
Maybe it's just this city. Holy fuck it really IS the center of the world. Everyone and his fucking mom is here, or wants to be here or is coming here to visit or whatever.

Batman lives here.
Movie stars live here.
The UN is here, for fuck's sake.
The friggin stock exchange.

In the words of Charles:
"Jesus bouncing Christ on a God damn pogo stick!!!!!!!"

Word. Welcome to the jungle, Benny.

( 09/ 13/ 2; 02; 03) - Dad on raising a family:

"... I hope you realize how lucky you were to have brothers who indulged you and played with you rather than beating you up. And I guess, the way things turned out, they are lucky they indulged you and played with you rather than beating you up. As for me, I don't regret the lack of physical punishment, the way things turned out. love, Dad"

This is funny for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that every time my Dad turned his back, my brothers would beat me up. Thanks Dad.

( 09/ 12/ 2; 02; 11) - Sucker-Punch Day.

My boy Tommy from CT called me up last night laughing. He and his brother were talking about a national holiday dedicated to the Sep. 11th attacks (no doubt they were smoking weed on his front porch at the time). I guess the day has been named, unofficially, "Patriot Day", but Tommy thought that was lame. He said there's another real holiday with a similar name, Patriots' Day. I'm not sure whether that's correct or not but Tommy has a remarkable memory for random facts like that. In any case, he said he had a better idea...

"Basically on September 11th, we got sucker-punched as a country. So why not make Sep. 11th 'National Sucker-Punch Day' to honor that?"

The idea is this: all year you figure out who in your life need to get sucker-punched the most. Who was the biggest dick? Who fucked you over the most? On September 11th, you run up to them and deck them. It's that simple. No hit-backs. No complaining. No police.

If someone sucker-punches you, the only way to get them back is if they were the person you had been planning on sucker-punching all year. The whole point, though, is that it's a surprise attack. You have to be sneaky, come up behind them or jump out of a car or do whatever you have to do to get the jump on them.

Sucker-Punch Day.

( 09/ 11/ 2; 02; 10) - Necessities for 9/11/02 (you can never be too prepared):

Am I paranoid? Ever so slightly. Do you blame me?
I came to work late today, plus I avoided the subways by taking a bus.

Things I brought to work:
-Starbucks coffee
-traded briefcase for camera, lenses & film
-traded work shoes for steel-toed and -shanked boots
-very sharp pocket knife
-charged cell phone (duh)

I am fully confident I can react quickly to any situation I may find myself in today. I can run, cut stuff, kick through doors/walls, survive in a fire, call the authorities, subdue punkasses. Sometimes I like to feel like a Boy Scout.
Bring it.

( 09/ 10/ 2; 02; 04) - Pica-chew. Stop eating metal, my Diva. I am the Army & I don't even do that.

Yesterday looked like it was going to be a nice, normal night. You know, back from work, go to the gym, jet down to a lounge that a friend just started spinning at, back up to the UES to chilly chill with my girl for a couple hours, bed.

That was until my girl decided she would swallow her tongue ring.

So after the gym I went up to her apt and spent the evening and night with her making sure she didn't start turning pale or coughing up blood. She made it through to morning, although our schedules are off by about 4 or 5 hours so I didn't get to bed till late. Still, it was a valid excuse to spend the night at her place. (Now don't get any funny ideas...) We watched HBO-Z. There was a show on called Crack U.S.A. that had us laughing hysterically, all about America's battle with crack addiction. Probably not the best idea for a girl with sharp metal abjects lodged in her digestive tract.

She managed to look sexy even with stabbing stomach pains... what a woman.

Wonder if there's a positive-reinforcement strategy we could use to curb her pica behavior.

( 09/ 09/ 2; 02; 09) - Didn't even have to use my AK...

Due to celebrating Site-op's B-Day on Thursday night, I spent most of friday in an alcohol-induced stupor. We drank Delerium Tremens, which is a beer with a *gasp* 9% alcohol content:
This means that you get very drunk very fast, and possibly spend the next day suffering from delerium tremens:
Not fun. Thankfully I didn't get that far in my alcohol abuse, but the binging Thurs night pretty much dictated that I spend Friday night doing zip. That was fine by me, I slept from 8PM-midnight and then 3AM-11AM on Sat.

Saturday I spent reading and playing B-ball in Carl Shultz park by the East River.
Saturday night I went out with my girl and her friends and my roomie and her boyfriend to Webster Hall, our usual club. Oh how I love Webster Hall. Not for anything it really offers as a club (long line outside even when we get comped in, outrageous drink prices, pretty mediocre house music played on the 2nd floor), but for the fact that I always have a great time there with Steph.


After we left at 3AM (following Thomas' mildly embarrassing pants incident) I went home and turned on IM and IMed back & forth with Steph until the wee hours when we couldn't type anymore. So I called her. We ended up staying up till 8AM talking on the phone, spilling our guts and really getting all the bullshit out of the way, all the war stories and crises and incidents were laid out on the table. I gotta say, that feels great, that she knows of the deepest darkest times of my soul now and not only does she not begrudge me for any of it, she's totally supportive and great and helpful. There's more than meets the eye with this woman, I'm so excited.

Sunday I woke up, an old friend was in town and he came over for coffee. Then I went out to Astoria, ate a big yummy brunch, and started to learn how to spin jungle. Payed video games. Watched my Adult Swim cartoons.

All in all, a great weekend. The first truly great weekend I've had in months. I spent not one second feeling sorry for myself. And I deserve it, shit.

( 09/ 06/ 2; 02; 10) - Owwwwwch drunk at work like a big dumb idiot

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day."

-Frank Sinatra

I ran out on the tab at the bar that site-op and I were drinking at last night. That's the first and last time you out-drink me, black man. Sorry about sticking you with the tab.

( 09/ 04/ 2; 02; 09) - sometimes it's just better to write a poem and then lose it...

Yesterday I wrote a big long poem in the Dizzy about anger and pain and getting over them in the near future. It involved onions, and tunnels and launch pads and all sorts of crap. It was long. Then the admin tool decided I had spent too long posting and it deleted my post.

All is not lost, however, as I picked up another installment of Charles Bukowski yesterday.

This is a poem of his entitled "40,000 flies":

torn by a temporary wind
we come back together again

check walls and ceilings for cracks and
the eternal spiders

wonder if there will be one more

40,000 flies running the arms of my
"I met a million dollar baby in a
5 and 10 cent

arms of my soul?

what kind of shit is

it's so easy to be a poet
and so hard to be
a man.

( 08/ 31/ 2; 02; 08) - In CT...

Well, I got home this morning to help my bros paint my Dad's house here in CT.
The old man really did take all my silk boxer shorts.
Little fucker.

( 08/ 30/ 2; 02; 10) - Subway Poetry. We R the lifeblood of this city, keepng her alive by travlng cnstantly thru her veins

I have a muse who acts as my voice of reason from afar. She's wonderful; she seems to understand me, so I listen to her. My muse says to be careful dragging my old & heavy baggage into any new relationships. She's right, it would be doing Steph an injustice to try to pull any of my past into this relationship. What does Steph have to do with Katie? Nothing- they grew up in the same city but on different planets.

I'm certainly going to try to take this one as it comes; Steph is great, I should be thankful that we found eachother.
She's all thistles and burdocks on the outside, all Tempurpedic pillows and marshmallow fluff on the inside.
Last night I told her she was a sweetie and her response was "Shh! Don't tell anyone. I'm only sweet with you."
I don't know why, but I find that endearing.

Tonight my brother and I drive to CT to paint Dad's house. With the weather threatening to turn ugly, the job may not get finished, or even started. But it will be nice to be back home for the long weekend, awash in beer, sleeping late...
I was going to roshambo my brother for driving duties (NYC to CT, although short, can be tedious). But Wednesday he told me that I'm driving tonight, and that he would like to be picked up at the sake bar at 8PM. What a fucker.

Life could be worse- it's hard to step back and realize when things are going well and appreciate that all by itself. But I'm trying.

"The apparition of faces in the crowd
Petals on a wet, black bough."

( 08/ 29/ 2; 02; 12) - I'm the man, I am...

"Dear Mr. Kline,

On behalf of BMW of North America, LLC, we want to thank you for participating in The Ultimate Drive? for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

Over the past five years, BMW has donated over $5 million for breast cancer research, education, screening and treatment. Now in the sixth year of the program, our goal is to raise another $1 million for the Komen Foundation in 2002. Through your participation, and that of the thousands of other participants that are driven to find a cure, we are one step closer to this year's million-mile goal."

You're welcome.

( 08/ 28/ 2; 02; 05) - pointless post/end of Hump Day

Whew. Hump day is over. Gonna buy myself a cut of filet mignon for dinner, then go to the gym, then maybe chill with my girl.

Last night I bought her a shot of Jaegermeister. She was bombed an hour later. Cheap date.

I'm too tired for stories, non-sequiters, anecdotes, life-affirming statements...

Yet I can't complain.

I think that's a good thing. Life slowly returns to normal. I'm just gonna flow with things for a while and think about how I feel later on.


( 08/ 27/ 2; 02; 05) - So Fresh and so clean

5:16PM on a Tuesday. Cognitive abilities approaching zero.

Just banged my knee into my computer in a fit of frustration over a huge forward that I was supposed to relay to someone; computer rebooted itself. Had to use stress ball to keep from decapitating an innocent.
Realized that, in this quiet mental temper tantrum, my right eyelid is not twitching. It twitched for a couple months a while back. I didn't notice when this stopped, but looking back it seems the twitch was due to stress related to my breakup with Katie.
That it has gone away quietly is indicative of a more relaxed state of mind, an emotional plateau (present work-related rage notwithstanding).

Katie has escaped my priority list entirely. Called her the other day to tell her I ran into a friend of hers who hasn't seen her for a while and was putting together a party; I had given him her number so he could call her. Spoke to her for 5 or 10 minutes; she asked what I was doing on Friday. Sorry, I'm busy. Monday? Sorry, I'm busy.

That felt good.

Screw her. I'll spend my time with a woman who appreciates me, who tells me things... oh fuck, who is, at this stage, telling me the exact things that Katie was telling me 2 1/2 years ago. "Benny, you're so wonderful." "I can't wait to kiss you again." "You make me laugh all the time!" "I love spending time with you."

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Eventually I'll have to tell Steph that I've lost a little faith in the power of love, and that it has nothing to do with her, really. Or maybe she reads the Lizzy after all and she'll find out herself.

It's Katie, all Katie. All her late night confessions, the seemingly heart-felt love letters she wrote me, the way I thought she could see right through my eyes into my soul. It all seems like a sham now. Where does all that emotion go? Yeah, thanks for sticking by me after my mom died. That was great. But forcing me to be happy when I was miserable? No thanks. Making me desperate for some sort of physical affection? No thanks. Sleeping with that guy? No thank you, I know who it is now. You managed to keep the faith for six months, after that I guess you crossed some sort of point-of-no-return. I'll never understand how or why love slips away but I now have proof that it does. Thank you for that, Katie.

I'm not even bitter, although it sounds like I am. I am more guarded, I am smarter. I play my cards closer to my chest. I am one man, on my own, versus the world. And I can make it, I know I can. I have the final say in my life now and forever.

Steph, if you read this, you probably know more than you should about me at this point. That's fine, I have nothing to hide from you or anyone. You just have to know that you discovered me directly after the absolute worst year of my life, a year that changed me radically inside my head, and yet almost imperceptibly to the outside observer.

The T2000 can look exactly like the original Terminator if he chooses. Yet when you throw a punch at him and your fist sinks into his face, you instantly realize that this is something else entirely.

How many words will be dedicated to this lost love before I get it out of my system? I don't know, but for now I will appreciate what I have: a woman who finds me as enthralling as I find her. Fresh and new and exciting these times are. The faster you run the less you think about what's behind you.

Running running running running... don't think, Benny, just keep running.

( 08/ 22/ 2; 02; 01) - I am the Army

I went to Carl Shultz Park last night along the East River with my girl and her pit bull and 2 of her friends.
After a few rousing games of "Watch the Angry Dog Chase Huge Rats" and "Keep the Fighting Pitbull Away from the Punt Dogs", we wandered to some benches to sit down.
Along the way I found a bumper sticker from what must be the US Army's campaign to recruit Hispanic-Americans.
Instead of the new "An Army of One" slogan, splashed across the sticker was "Yo Soy el Army."

I am the Army.



Can you imagine one person possessing the firepower of the US Army?! That's sick.

Like in Batman:

"Who are you?"
"I'm Batman."


"Who are you?"
"Whoa, back off there, killer..."

That would be bad-ass. I put the sticker on the bottom of my skateboard, alongside the "Your kids are tripping" sticker.

No more news.
Steph is cool.

( 08/ 21/ 2; 02; 11) - Chapters begin and end but the book of you is an epic poem

Last night was sort of Zen-like for me in that I came to some realization/revelations about myself and my life.

A coworker lent me "A Beautiful Mind" on DVD and I watched it last night after work.
The plot itself is inconsequential. I enjoyed the flick, although I wasn't blown away. I was nonplussed at the fact that it took place at Princeton U. from which my ex just graduated. See, PTon holds many, many memories. So many happy(and terrible) times in my life have taken place there with this girl that it's really impossible to separate the goings-on of the movie from my own memories of my time there. (When you date someone who goes to another school, that place becomes a part of you, like a second home, whether you like it or not.) Each time John Nash "enters campus" in the movie, he walks up some stairs under an arch, Blair Arch to be exact, under which I myself walked on dozens of occasions, hand-in-hand with my honey. It was also the approximate location of a very painful conversation during our breakup as we walked to her dorm from lunch at some restaurant. And I swear I saw the steps of her dorm for about 5 seconds during one scene.

So while I thought about all of this I realized that that chapter of my life, the one that involved Princeton & my ex, is over. I am beginning a new chapter now, and as is usually the case, each chapter builds upon the previous chapters to form a complete story. I am not mad at Katie anymore. I loved her very dearly and truly with all of my heart, and while my love for her has changed a lot from what it used to be, I still love her as a person, and I will for the rest of my life. I only want the best for her. I hope she lives long and well and I hope one day I get to see her name in lights on Broadway, as she has always dreamed. And I hope that at some point we can put the past behind us and maintain some sort of friendship.

But the future is bright for me either way. I've found that when you let new people into your life and your mind gradually and with patience, and you maintain a certain level of honesty and integrity, then only good things can happen. As Steph and I learn more about eachother, all the little discoveries feel like Christmas. I don't want to jump the gun with her or with any relationship but she seems like the kind of girl I could really get into. A couple months ago I was still nursing my wounds. I was not emotionally available to anyone. But as I heal my capacity for compassion and caring has gone up. I didn't mean to get into a relationship just now, but it seems that one is blossoming, although I don't really feel as if I'm putting too much effort into it just yet. More to come...

( 08/ 20/ 2; 02; 12) - In case there were ever any doubts about the validity of my statements...

Steph finally emailed me a pic of her mom back in the day. I guess Harley ads have always featured Playboy bunnies pretty frequently. Gotta figure... Her mom is blonde but they dyed her hair dark for the photo shoot.

Needless to say, I'm pretty psyched about this girl. At first she seemed really hardcore but she tells me sweet things like she loves getting emails and messages from me, and that she enjoys seeing me. Leads me to believe that she's not quite as gnarly on the inside...

( 08/ 19/ 2; 02; 11) - So there's a new girl around.

I may have met my match.
This girl stopped by last night with her fighting pit bull, Rebel, to drop off some Xanax.
Need I say more?
I will:
Her mom was a Playboy Bunny. The Head Bunny. She's 63 now, so I'm guessing this was in the 60s.
Hot damn... she has a knife collection too...

The Dizzy may get exciting soon...

(08/14/2002; 3:23pm) - Should you tell her or should I? A One-Act to brighten your day!

Scene: My cubicle

A 6-year-old little black girl wanders in. She's been hanging around the office for the past week. She's the daughter of a woman who works here.

LITTLE GIRL: (Touches my hair) My cousin has hair like yours and she put gel in it and it all fell out.

ME: Your cousin has hair like mine?

LITTLE GIRL: Yeah, she put gel in her hair and it all fell out and she went to school and all the boys laughed at her.

ME: I bet your cousin's hair isn't just like mine...

LITTLE GIRL: It's just like yours and it all fell out and now she's bald.

ME: Maybe she got it relaxed or dyed or the salon did something to it that made it fall out, but I bet she doesn't put gel in it because black people don't put gel in their hair usually...

LITTLE GIRL: Yes they do! You have gel in your hair and it's all going to fall out.

ME: No, my Dad's 65 and he still has all his hair so I think I'm okay. Wait, so I'm black?!

LITTLE GIRL: Yeah, I'm from New York and you're from New York and everybody from New York is a black African-American.

ME: (Fits of laughter) So I'm black because I'm from New York? That makes me black. (laughter)

LITTLE GIRL: Yeah, my mommy's from New York and she's a black African-American. And I'm from New York and I'm a black African-American.

ME: So I'm black too?

LITTLE GIRL: Yeah, everybody from New York is a black African-American.

ME: I live in New York but I was born in Connecticut.

LITTLE GIRL: (pauses) Then you're white.

(08/12/2002; 10:10a) - Paranoid like Ozzy

Genxscope (by
"Feel like you forgot something? You may have indeed ... or on the other hand, it might be complete paranoia. Don't tie your brain in knots trying to figure it out."

Thanks, you STUPID ASSHOLE HOROSCOPE WRITER!!! What the fuck!?

(08/06/2002; 12:10p) - Sometimes I just can't believe how much things have changed.

Looking around (figuratively) and taking stock of my life, nothing is as I remember it.

There are paints and canvasses in my dad's house in CT now but they don't belong to me. There's a second car in the garage, a gold Camry. And a woman, a very nice, pretty woman, sleeping in my dad's bed. She's not my mom.

There are girls around here, I keep meeting them. They do this and that, they're into me or they're not, some I like more than others, some are beautiful, some I simply pass on the street...
A year ago at this time I would come home from work to a beautiful redhead, cook dinner with her, make love. It was heaven. But that's not my reality now.

So much changes so so fast. Life is fluid, everything changes, little by little, under your nose, so that on a day like today you realize that everything's pretty different than you thought it was. If many little things make up your reality, and all those little things are changing constantly, then the magnitude of change in your life is staggering. It's hard to grasp how much everything changes from year to year.

Two years ago I had no idea where I was going to go. Australia was fun and I wanted to go back, but I also had friends in Boston and Hartford. Then there was the group of friends in New York. So I ended up here. And now I work in real estate. And I play Ultimate twice a week. And I borrow my brother's car. And I spend too much money. And I live on the Upper East Side.

Tomorrow, who knows? Will I live in the Village, or the Lower East Side, or Battery Park City? New York at all? Will I lease a New Mini, orange with a white top and white hood stripes? Will I buy a motorcycle, a used Honda? Will I be be dating this girl? Another girl? Will I get a raise? Will my vacations start to include LA, the home of my dad's woman?
Will I quit all of this shit and move west with Nate, teach snowboarding in the winters and guide rafting trips in the summer?

Or will I still be plunked down here in front of this same computer in midtown a year, 5 years, ten years in the future?

Do I even have to think this hard about what's to come?

One of my coworkers Andrea just asked another coworker, Jorge, how he was doing today.

His answer?

"I'm alive, so I'm doing fine."



(08/02/2002; 2:16pm) - Instant Gratification/Pontification/Elaboration/Masturbation

Here I go with the stupid horoscopes again:
Today's read "Sometimes, breaking up is the best thing you could ever do. Mr. or Ms. Right is waiting to catch you before you hit the ground. Maybe you could make other changes, too, like who fixes your car or who does your hair. There's nothing like starting over."

Well, I can't wait to meet Ms. Right because she's gonna be one hell of a woman. My ex and I had our share of problems towards the end of our relationship but I still maintain that she is one of the most wonderful people I've ever met.
So if Ms. Right is better than that, I'm excited to meet her.

I'll agree that sometimes when you look at a miserable coupling of two great people, you usually thing "Breaking up is the best thing for both of them." But breaking up ain't so hot when you love someone and they dump you...

Then again, who can really listen to a stupid horoscope anyway? What a bunch of crap. "There's nothing like starting over."
What does that mean? Nothing.
"There's nothing like key lime pie."
That's right, there isn't. But there are things A LOT LIKE key lime pie; lemon meringue pie, for example.

Why am I ranting?

No, really....?!

Well, anyway, I'm definitely starting over now. In the process, as we speak...
Where is life taking me? Ten thousand roads open before me. Which one do I take? Who do I go out with? What do I do at night? On the weekends? How do I spend my money, time, emotional energy?

What is the point of all this anyway? I've always thought that the whole point was to make yourself happy for as much of your life as possible. Does that mean always obtaining instant gratification, or should I dely my gratification in the hopes that I will be happier and more appreciative when my time comes?

All I know is that I just got a call from a coworker who says there's free pizza upstairs.
Instant gratification.
I think for the time being, that's what I want.


(08/01/2002; 3:35pm) - For lack of anything else to say today:

Don?t damn me when I speak a piece of my mind
?Cause silence isn?t golden when I?m holding it inside
?Cause I?ve been where I have been, an I?ve seen what I have seen
I put the pen to the paper ?cause it?s all a part of me

Be it a song or a casual conversation
To hold my tongue speaks of quiet reservations
Your words once heard, they can place you in a faction
My words may disturb but at least there?s a reaction

Sometimes I wanna kill, sometimes I wanna die
Sometimes I wanna destroy, sometimes I wanna cry
Sometimes I could get even, sometimes I could give up
Sometimes I could give, sometimes I never give a fuck
But look at what we?ve done to the innocent and young
Whoa listen to who?s talking 'cause we?re not the only ones
The trash collected by the eyes and dumped into the brain
Said it tears into our conscious thoughts, you tell me who?s to blame
Don?t hail me an don?t idolize the ink
Or I?ve failed in my attentions
Can you find the missing link?
Your only validation lies in living your own life
Vicarious existance is a fuckin waste of time
So I send this song to the offended
I said what I meant and I?ve never pretended
as so many others do
Intending just to please
If I damned your point of view, could you turn the other cheek?

*Don't Damn Me* by G'N'R

One of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands.