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Radioshack And My Balls
Unemployment And My Balls

(03/06/2003; 04:25pm) - you're fired

i have the prospect of a new job. the wheels are in motion. things look good. even if this job doesn't come through, i need to get one immediately anyway, so, with this post, i declare the end of
my blog. the following is a transcription of a tape-recorded encounter, recorded earlier today.

quote: my boss

tyler, i think it's time we had a little talk. i think it's clear to both you and me that things aren't really working out. you've been with us for about two months, and while at the beginning i thought it might just be that you were new with us, now it seems clear. things aren't going the way we thought they might in the beginning. we feel
that you're not really a positive contribution to our organization. now don't get me wrong, you're a nice guy. everybody here likes you a lot, and wishes you the best. we're sure that you could really thrivesomewhere else, just not here, not with us. it's a compatability issue, really. i think you know where we're coming from. i regret informing you that we have to let you go. you're fired from unemployment. we ask that you please fill a desk by the end of the week.


(02/24/2003; 03:19am) - the end of the month is so lame

hmmmmmm.....i really have to pay rent again (that's a reminder to all of you out there with apartments, and italian landlords) but, i have no moneys. Uh oh. i was informed by my parents that tax returns don't happen immediatly. and i was all, "but i saw this commercial...and some guy...he had this check..and he like walked in with taxes and walked out with a check, and i thought that's how it worked." they were all, "that's not how it works" and i was a"but it was on tv, it's got to be true." then i found out that it was some lame h&r block thing, and they charge you out the ass to do it. well well well. this truly does suck my balls. the government's lamer about giving me my owed moneys than i am about giving my owed moneys. this leads me to believe that uncle sam is either a tightass, a dead beat, or broke...or possibly some combination of the afformentioned. so, in conclusion, i have no money. "well what are you going to do?" you might be asking yourself. i'll tell you what i'm going to do...i'm going to go into debt, and try a little harder to find a job. no i won't, hahaha. i think i'm going to do medical experiments actually. jobs are for lamers, and i'm no lamer. i've taken pills before when i didn't know what it was going to do. i might as well get paid $1500 to do it.
also, if any of you want to buy my brownies, there'll be an ongoing bake sale at my joint for the next week. only $16 a brownie. they're not pot brownies or anything like that that might actually make them worth $16, except for the massive amounts of love (etherial, not liquid, love) that i put into each one.
kisses,
tyler

(02/13/2003; 05:17pm) - only because i have the time

now, this is not directly related to being unemployed...but it would not have been possible without all of the free time having no job allows one.
i was on a plane headed for california for the week....and i had to watch Sweet Home Alabama. now, you might be thinking, "you didn't have to watch it...exercise your right to choose, and politely
decline the offer to watch the plane movie." well, should you be thinking that, you are an idiot, and have never been on a plane. no matter how bad the stupid plane movie is, and it is almost
guaranteed to be bad (and edited for content) you have to watch it, because it will make 90 minutes of an intolerable long journey go by a bit faster. now, i know this is andrew's territory....but
holy crap that movie sucked my ass!!!! i doubt any of you thought it might be good...but it's worth repeating. that movie sucked my ass so hard!
i also had to watch an episode of the king of queens. the only time i've ever seen this show is on airplanes, because it sucks so hard. i don't know why it's always on airplanes, but that's the
third time i've seen it on one. to make it a bit better, i had my studio monitor headphones with me because my "street" headphones broke the day before the flight. so everything i watched on the
plane had the pleasant accompaniment of an extremely loud, high pitched squeal, emitted by the crappy airplane headphone system. and i heard it in all of its glorious fidelity.

but enough of listening to me whine....go get me a job, sucka!

(02/10/2003; 01:22am) - the diet

i'll outline what i ate today, and then add who the food was from

breakfast:
2 large chocolate chip cookies (courtesy of our upstairs neighbor who works at a swanky belgian bakery)

lunch:
2 tina's burritos with bravo salsa (both courtesy of kate moving back to england and having extra food)

dinner:
1 packet of picante beef ramen noodles with half a can of black beans (both courtesy of wolfe who went shopping tonight while doing his laundry)

dessert:
3 mini twix (also courtesy of kate's movement)

i may or may not have another snack this evening (there's still two cookies left) and i might have a cup of tea (taken from the box of lipton tea, which we've had since college...adding milk from wolfe, and sugar from kate.)

i can't wait until i'm self sufficient again, but until then, i thank my friends for keeping me alive. (and pudgy)

(02/06/2003; 02:45am) - today...today....today

today i was watching game shows and getting physically upset at the results of them. in every one i watched (3 in total) the best players in the game would start off doing really well, then by some stupid random chance part of the game, they would loose something, and the really stupid contestant would win the game. 3 times in a row. by the third show, some guy got eliminated in the second to last round, but he never got to answer a question! 20 minutes he's been on the show, and he never gets a question, and then gets eliminated. i was almost moved to tears. i at leats punched a pillow, mumbled obsenities to myself, then changed the channel to junkyard wars ( a repeat, but a good one none-the-less)

i just remembered that i stopped rating days on the suck my balls scale.
i was getting into that gimick, but it just hardly seems appropriate now in these trying times. give my balls a break guys, seriously, give 'em a break.

(02/01/2003; 05:24am) - i totally have a job

oh man, i can't believe you fell for that!

(01/28/2003; 03:38am) - holy fucking crap

i haven't looked at my actual bank balance in a while, because it knew it had to be unreasonably low. and i've had a bunch of little checks sitting around that i've been way to lazy to cash, so i've had to real clue how much money i really had.
i knew (sorta) that by the 1st i'd be at least within $100, give or take, of the $600 necessary to cover rent. well, fuck it, i was bored, and of course i had nothing else to do, so i did the math. i saw that my real bank account balance was $14.61. tyler thought it was more like $180. he was wrong. turns out a bunch of transactions were pending last time i checked, like the cable check ($130 i thought i had) and some subway clicks ($20 i thought i had) then i found check that i forgot i had, so i was back up another $50, then another, then some christmas cash from grandma....
now, i won't bore you with any more details except to say that the final total that i will have in the bank, by february 1st (death day, when i'm expected to have $600) is $603!
fuck yes, i did it. i'm succesfully unemployed and succesful!
now please tell me that i have all of the control. and that i'm only doing this for journalistic reasons. that i can get a job any day i actually try, but i'm putting it off because i like this lifestyle so much. please tell me this, please tell me i'm a good person and everything will be okay. or take me out drinking and cover my tab. both good, both favorites.

(01/27/2003; 06:07am) - it's startling, really

i hadn't counted on how terrible an idea a journal about being unemployed was. being unemployed means that you don't do shit. i spend about an hour a day trying to scroung up bucks to pay rent. i'm selling my cd burner for $50. i sent some guy in rhinebeck a copy of the scrabble cd rom, and he sent me a check for $6. trust me, that's a lot. ramen noodles mean more to me than jesus did when i was catholic. i've become increasingly nocturnal. i've seen 4 hours of daylight in the past 5 days, and 3 of them were after sun up. i periodically have the urge to "get some work done" until i realize that i have to work to do. it's like i have a cold, but i don't feel sick. i believe that the best way to get my life back on track is to follow the wisdom of the ladies man. i must have sex, and wait for something to randomly happen. (any takers on the sex?)

(01/19/2003; 05:20am) - ode to rent

so, it's been 28 days since i've had a job. tonight was the first time i had left the house in 4 days. from what people have said, it's good that i haven't cuz it's been so fucking cold, but i couldn't have confirmed nor denied it. i've convinced myself that i have been spending no money, and therefore "being good" it is, however easy to forget that rent is approximately $20 a day. my daily income, including odd jobs and pirating software is about $3.17 a day. i'm really good at math, and i think i'm screwed. i am looking for a job, sort of. i'm pretty much waiting for something to fall into my lap, and i figure the safest plan is to make sure my lap is always generally in the same place. for good measure, i make sure to keep it warm with a nice bowl of ramen, just so when that thing does fall into my lap, it'll have a cozy warm place to rest, and some good eats.

and now, my ode to rent:

i pay for heat, and food to eat
i bought my bed, but was given my sheets (by my mom)
screw off, stupid italian guy from long island!
wanting $600 crappy dollars every month, that i worked moderately conning and mooching for.
my stupid sink leaks, and you're ugly.

i don't know how poetic or entertaining that was, but it felt good. no one reads this but me anyway, so on that note, you're so cute tyler.

(12/10/2002; 03:11am) - 2 weeks, and fucking counting

so, 14 days stand between me, and freedom. do i know what i'm doing after that?....yes.
not working.
i'll enjoy my christmas holiday, go into debt, and figure shit out later.
that's why i have credit cards. hopefully (fill in the blank) and my balls will not be far off, or else, y'all might be faithful readers of Unemployment and my Balls, and those won't be very interesting, unless i go completely nuts. actually, i can use journalism as an excuse to not work and go nuts, then all the money i spend while not making money will be a tax write-off. as long as one of you pays me for writing this. offers will begin at .7 cents per update.
take stock in a good cause.
this scheme's suck my balls rating:
0 balls (what a good fucking idea)
on a scale of 0 to 2 balls
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