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first go...

(01/21/2003; 02:20pm) - first go...

It?s so funny to me? this whole ?green lit?thing. (In order to be posted on line you have to be accepted by those who already post.) I understand why it is important, after all who wants to read about people you don?t know or like or care about... but after writing this very heart felt introduction and then contacting bobert, to be told that I then have to gain permission from the group to share what?s special and private to me, knocked my socks off.
It?s great, I take the opposite position of many of my friends, for example, Snash, who many of you know and love, reads these forums frequently, but never posts. It?s a strict thing for her, she won?t get involved, and me?? Well, here I am, involved as always cuz I just can?t stand keeping my hands clean.
It?s just so interesting to watch people who you knew quite well change over time. I would have guessed everyone?s moves well in advance just two years ago. But time and space and freedom from Vassar? it gives everyone time to get their heads flipped around the way they want, or think they want, and all you can do is just sit back and stare. To wonder what each of them would say about letting me post, about letting me be me?when such a short time ago I would have been so confidant in their answers. So many people I care for changing who and what and why they are. The challenging question is in the end of it all are they still recognizable? I am only me and can only see inside my little twisted head, and I know that this time alone that so many of you have already gone through and so many of us are passing through, far more quickly than we could have imagined, has made me only more me. The problem I always have is that not everyone deals very well with the more me, me. It?s like as soon as I graduated I started this universal quest to remember why I am. I mean between graduating and loosing your speech it?s not that uncommon a question.
The first thing I realized is that Vassar makes you mundane, yes, you may all know this, but I was quite surprised to see it in myself. Two, your fears are always greater than the free time you have to think about them in. Since I?ve spent much of the past 9 months doing nothing but trying to entertain myself and running to doctors appointments, I?ve had plenty of that wonderful sweet free time that as soon as I get a real job, I?ll cry at the way I?ve wasted it. In fact, I?m almost wasting it right now, accept that now I have something I should be doing, reading for classes at UCSC, and now it?s procrastination, but frankly it feels much the same. And since there has been so much time, the result is that I?ve been drowning in my insecurities. (Guess what, no one can really think of you as badly as you can. After all not only do you know every terrible thing you?ve ever done, you know all the terrible things you?ve thought about while you did them.) The third thing I?ve learned is that you?re not going any where, and there really is no reason why you were born. This is a lot harder to deal with for me, especially with so much free time and few people my age to talk about it with. (And lets face it when the only people you see are your parents, they have lots of reasons why you were born which are in fact, totally selfish reasons for the fact that they bore you.)
I?m not going any where.
unless I can teach myself the way.
I am here because living is a gift that we all share, and you need company to share
and if that is not a good enough reason for you,
then face it, you were not born for any good reason.
The world is a beautiful and magical place, only if I choose to let it be that way,
because I have only my eyes to see it through.
I am responsible now for all the ways my parents didn?t raise me right.
and I have no excuse for behaving as if I don?t own and control everything that comes out of me
The world around me is on fire with moving, growing, living things, and if I am
unhappy, or if I die, they will not notice, nor is it their responsibility.
I am what makes life worth living, and I have many places to be.

Fourth thing I?ve learned: (age-old wisdom I should have listened to) It?s very easy to make beautiful things come out of the mouth, but very hard to let them come in through the eyes, especially in winter, or when you?re lonely, or when you don?t feel loved, or when it?s very dark, or when you feel particularly lost.

Good thing that the seasons watch out for you and spring?s just around the corner?