A Dizzy In The Lizzy
( 10/ 22/ 2; 02; 04) - Storm Approaching
What a whirlwind! I feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado, so much shit is happening so fast. There's so much sickness and depression around me, people moving in and out of my life, coming and going. Statc gives way to flux.
My love for Steph multiplies, grows in increments, quantum leaps, exponentially.
I am quickly remembering that there's another aspect to love that I had forgotten about, and that is concern. The more I care about Steph the more I want everything to be perfect for her. It aggravates me even more now, if possible, how much she gets harrassed by jackass men on a daily basis. On the phone with her yesterday I heard muffled shouts. She was walking through her neighborhood, some guys were shouting at her that she looked like a Barbie doll. Is that supposed to be a pick-up line or an insult? More likely just idiot guys shouting at the white girl to look mad cool, yo. Glad she takes her pitbull with her everywhere.
Not to mention the Pandora's Box of her psycho ex who will one day show up on her doorstep after weaseling his way back into her circle of friends, despite the many medical and legal reasons why he should not get near her. To say that she and I are in physical danger is not an exaggeration. I'm just praying that there's no situation because someone might get hurt.
Steph conveniently has evening classes when I get off work, so I hardly ever see her during the week. Even better, she has a ridiculous amount of homework and she stays up all night doing it. Then to make up for it we cram as much shit into the weekend as we can, and emerge on sunday night exhausted and sick, deliriously happy and yet sad again because Sunday night means goodbye, with work for me and more homework for Steph.
She's thinking about getting a job, it will be a weekend night job at a club, which is really cool for her in terms of connections, and fun and money. BUT, nights on the weekend is when we spend all our time together. And I'm all for my lady having a job, especially one she's excited about. It just seems like I've finally found someone worth my time and affection and now she won't have time to see me. *sigh*
Such is life. Right after my parents got married my dad left for 2 years to sail around the world in the Navy. I guess these things happen. Gotta roll with the punches.
Hecticness. Still, love carries us on.
( 10/ 18/ 2; 02; 10) - Opening paragraph
She skips the line and walks into the club in her skin-tight black getup, her "catsuit" she calls it. It's a meat market; guys are fawning over her. Drinks are shoved into her hands. She pours them out. "What's your name, beautiful?" She turns away without answering. A guy grabs her elbow. "Get the fuck off me!" She makes a scene, only been at the club 15 minutes. We're uptown when I get the call: "Please get me out of here." We do a U-turn and speed back down the highway. I'm waiting for her outside when she exits. You can almost hear the guys' necks snapping. She walks purposefully up to me and we lock lips for a sweet eternity. She doesn't even notice the yellow Lamborghini I'm standing next to. Why would she care about that car?
"What a bunch of assholes..." she begins as we walk away.
( 10/ 17/ 2; 02; 10) - And just like that...
...work EXPLODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Escaping barrage of phone calls/ print jobs/ emails for the mid-morning Starbucks run.
If I make it to this weekend without getting sick (like all my bubonic coworkers) I'll be a happy Benny.
( 10/ 15/ 2; 02; 04) - *sigh*
I miss you terribly.
All my love,
Your Stephanie
(10/14/2002; 4:50p) - Just run with it
What is this life thing? Am I doing it right?
This feels right, what I'm doing now.
But I've been wrong before. About life. I thought I had it, and then I didn't.
I think I have it again.
("It" not meaning life but rather a satisfactory, comfortable existence)
I just hope... no, shut up, Benny, just enjoy what you have now. The future will come soon enough and you'll find out what it holds when you get there.
( 10/ 10/ 2; 02; 12) -
Still lounging in a pink field, sipping the nectar of life out of orchid cups...
Things peer out of the darkness at the edge of the forest, wishing they could be me.
An Ibiza sunrise sets upside-down in the sky
As music whittles its way West among the flower stems
( 10/ 08/ 2; 02; 11) - Against my better judgment...
Falling, falling, falling
once more
Makes my head spin
( 10/ 04/ 2; 02; 12) - Hey now
Spent 4 hours last night at a bar with some coworkers/bosses/managers from my company. Everybody got pretty sheisty, complete with the hotshot power broker and the Office Manager hitting on female subordinates... shameless and predictable. I, on the other hand, watched this happening in a state of euphoric sobriety, having drunkj my fill the night before. It would have been so easy to get plastered, the power broker was buying everything, He had the kitchen make a couple of steaks and dice them up for easy bartop consumption. He ordered 3 shrimp platters, chicken wings, mozzarella sticks. He kept people's hands full of drinks. I gladly ate most of the steak and shrimp but I didn't drink a thing. And this is the first Friday in a long time that I have been productive and happy and feeling great at work.
Good thing, too, because I'm leaving work at 1PM to get my car, get the headlight fixed, pick up my girl and her friends and drive upstate for weekend majik tyme.
It's weird, the act of NOT drinking can sometimes be as fun as drinking. The next day's always better too.
Onward!
( 10/ 02/ 2; 02; 11) -
Some days,
no matter how little sleep you got the night before
no matter how much champagne you drank
or how warm the bed was that you just left
when you lick you lips and taste her there
you just gotta smile.
( 10/ 01/ 2; 02; 02) - Dizzy again
Sometimes I want to express my happiness, but then it seems to do so would be gloating.
When so many people around me are so unhappy, what right do I have to be content?
Indeed, a few short months ago I was living at the bottom of the proverbial barrel, no way out, very little light filtering through the muck to the bottom.
But while I looked the other way, life crept up on me again.
Instead of schoolyarding me as usual, it threw me a fastball that I hit out of the park. Go me, it's my birthday!
So I got lucky this time.
Am I supposed to feel bad about that?
That's something I struggle with every day. But happiness is one of those things that's slippery like an eel; it's constantly flowing through your fingers and you have no idea when you're getting near the end until after the fact.
Sooo... what? So, enjoy it while you have it, consume it gluttonously and carelessly and grow fat with glee because when it runs out you'll need to rely on the reserves to get you through till next spring.
So I shan't feel bad for feeling good.
I'm riding a rollercoaster of love and excitement and if it never ends I'll be surprised, but for now the slightly nauseous dizzying heights are better than the terrible depths of despair.