A Dizzy In The Lizzy
(11/26/2002; 02:08pm) - Could be worse.
Crazy day.
Short week at work, tomorrow is even a short day.
This is good, but not when paired with A) our systems being switched over from "RealFast" to "RealPlus" and B) two of my coworkers out of the office.
The systems switch means that I have to make sure I can still do everything I used to- working off of our servers, proper communication between my desktop and my virtual desktop, file transfers, etc- while still actually DOING that stuff. And I have to learn how to do all my absent coworker's shit again on the new system. But his system is halfway in between functional and not, which makes it hard to upload anything onto our servers. So that's why I have time to write this.
Didn't get to see GF last night, I passed out at 8 or so before she got out of class. Crap. That may have been the last opportunity to see her before I go away for Thanksgiving. Not fun times.
The PB&Js I made for lunch which went uneaten yesterday I brought back to work again today. Ate the first early. Yum. Tried to eat the second just now. It was terribly soggy. Gross. Fuck it.
Spent $3.98 yesterday on a tuna broccoli salad and a grapefruit. That was dinner and breakfast (along with 3 eggs and a piece of toast for brekkie too). WHo says you can't eat cheap in Manhattan?
My boy Nate flies in tonight; we're traveling up to CT with my borther wed night. I love seeing Nate, he's like another brother to me. But having him here tonight may mean no nookie for Benny. Oh well.
Summary of past 24 hours:
Not enough GF.
Spent very little $$$.
Ate boring food.
Falling asleep at work.
Could be worse.
B out
(11/25/2002; 12:30am) - Faster still
Monday, workday, quickly:
Spent some cash this weekend, not too much.
$27: groceries. I needed steak last night, and that's that.
$15: Reduced entry into Limelight, Grand reopening, last night at midnight. Somehow I'm surviving on 3 hours of sleep.
$10: Cab ride home at 4:30AM this morning.
Made PB&Js for lunch but Mikey called and asked if I wanted to do lunch. Yeah!
Short week ahead. Wed is a half day. I might even take that off to go snowboarding.
I still never see Steph as much as I'd like to. This week will be spent at home in CT for the most part, no Steph. Boo.
I almost had a nervous breakdown friday, I think I'm really worried about terrorism & war & retarded politics. I'm a worrier. Got shit from the boss for leaving early Friday night(5:10 as opposed to 5:30. Lick me.).
I feel better now.
Have been entertaining notions of quitting to work at Roxy w/ Steph.
(11/25/2002; 05:05pm) - Time keeps on slipping
Spent $10 at lunch w/ Mikey. That Cajun chicken sandwich with coleslaw on a peppered brioche is almost worth it.
I have to work a half day wednesday; no snowboarding pre-Thnxgvg. :(
May see Steph tonight. Neither of us slept very much last night. Crack.
I love that girl.
Workday almost done.
B out
(11/23/2002; 09:38pm) - faster
Fri:
Felt a little anxious at home after work, much like how I felt in previous post. Called Dad about some shit that was bothering me; cleared shit up between us, that felt better.
Missed 2 calls while listening to some loud Bob Marley: my GF and my ex. The call from my ex, after a bit of deliberation, I chose not to return. My GF on the other hand I called back right away. Hearing from her made me feel better even though she was all wound up due to various stresses. She calmed down and I spoke to her later and was reminded how beautiful love can be.
Saw my baby for 1/2 an hour while she took care of a cat , then she went off to work. Hung with the boyz after that, spent $20 on beer & food. Sent them home, went to GF's work to hang out at around 2AM. Got to meet her cool coworkers, spent much-needed time with her, danced a bit in steel-toed boots. Ouch. Made it home at around 5AM. A good night.
Sat:
Woke up to call from my bro,at 11:30 AM (ouch not enough sleeeep) got ready fast, hopped in his car, jetted to Qns to watch UMich lose to OU, ate Jon's chili & cornbread, drank a beer. A good afternoon. Came home. Picked up laundry & dry cleaning, $15. Took a nap. Lifted weights. Considered going to gym. Didn't. Tried to make definite plans with friends for the evening. Didn't. Decided to blog before too much happened this wkend for me to remember.
Plans for Sat night: Hopefully see GF for a bit B4 she goes to work, maybe go to gym w/ her. Then after she's gone go to the Bond flick w/ boys. Then maybe out to trippy Burning Man decompression party in DUMBO where I'm supposed to volunteer. i don't think I will but who knows? When I get there they may still need a hand. Hope fully I won't have to pay cover. May bring my camera.
Nap time again. I'm like a 5-year-old.
(11/22/2002; 12:38am) -
An addendum to my spending this week:
I think somewhere in there I forgot about the burger and baked potatoo I got at BK the other day, $2, and the Nesquik chocolate milk I bought two days ago. $1.50. This month my blog is doing double-duty as my financial record, that's the only reason I'd even bother with such trivialities.
Last night, another $0.75 of Tylenol PMs. I think by taking them for 2 nights I've kicked this cold. Provided I go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, I should be done with it.
Ate another burger for dinner last night, essentially free (see previous entry for my free food theory).
Today, $2.75 !!! for a quart of OJ. Good to stay hydrated and get lotsa Vitamin C.
And, a boon:
Had to print something immediately upon arrival at work this morn, a cover for a packet for a $4 Million dollar apt. Had to be nice, on photo paper. Got bosses' asst to call a special messenger for me. The guy turned up, inexplicably, 5 minutes later. Now, it takes 10 minutes to print really nice photo-quality images, and another 10 minutes for them to dry on the photo paper. Add in 20 minutes for me to wrestle with my printer and get it to print correctly, and it's no wonder the messenger left without my package. Fcukface. So I had to deliver it to our Eastside offices myself. Turns out the receptionist there had a coupon for "One free drink of any kind" at Starbucks. SCORE! I hadn't had my coffee yet. Went to Starfucks, ordered a Venti (huge) Mocha something or other with two EXTRA shots of espresso, for a total of 4 shots in the drink. I'm STILL HIGH off the caffeine. The free drink would have cost me $5.70. Holy shit. Making lemons into lemonade.
This receptionist hasn't seen me since September, she asked me if I was on a diet (huh?) because I was so skinny. Skinny? She asked me if I am in love... why, yes, but that doesn't have anything to do with... oh. Maybe it does. Well, I never meant to get "skinny". I need to eat more, to be sure, it's hard when you're trying to save $$$. I guess I really must be losing a lot of fat if my face looks skinny, that's a little disconcerting. Oh well.
My normal weight is 178-180. I now weigh 173-174. That's not so bad.
Skinny Benny out. Almost time for my daily PB&J and carrots for lunch. Duh, no wonder I'm skinny...
(11/22/2002; 04:20pm) - Time to slow down. at least it's the weekend
Whoa.
So for the past 4 hours I've been in an extremely negative mood, sorta sick inside my head, I think sitting here in front of my computer, clicking on CNN.com, thinking about how wrong everything is, has been really getting to me. Couple that with trying to kick a cold, and never seeing my GF, and being generally sick of work, I've been experiencing a sort of bad trip. That's the closest approximation. Less intense, of course, but I definitely fel like I need to chill out a bunch this weekend. All this hecticness has been getting to me. I think I will remain sober, too, that should help.
I feel a bit better now. I resolved to walk home from work, should only take about 25 minutes, just to clear my head. The prospect of that cheered me up.
Hopefully I get to see my girl tonight, too, that should be nice.
Seriously, that was bad. I gotta stop worrying about politics and the impending war, it's buggin me out. Ignorance is bliss. I'm torturing myself about things that I have no control over.
Not smart.
But I keep fantasizing about leaving this ridiculous, hectic, wasteful lifestyle behind and moving out west to join my boy Nate, who seems to have things figured out for himself. He teaches people how to ski during the winter, the summers he either does the same in Chile or he works in a restaurant. That's a lot simpler than living in NYC, working corporate, killing myself in 800 different ways.
Anyway, these negative feelings are beginning to pass, so that's good. I'm so weary, so tired of all this negative energy in the world. So many bad thing have happened, are happening, will happen.
But the less I think about that the happier I am. Here we go, trying to find happiness amidst the horror...
wish me luck
B
(11/21/2002; 12:20am) - No spending month, week 2, Thurs
Spent $4.50 last night on a loaf of rye bread and 2 yogurts.
Made my absolute favorite burger out of 1/2lb of ground sirloin, sauteed onions & melted swiss on toasted rye.
FUCKIN' YUM!!!!
I also made an omelette this morning with some left over goat cheese. That was dope. Leftover cheese I consider to be free. Anything you find in the fridge and you can't remember buying is "free" in my book. Like the onion is used last night. I think that was my roomie's. Ooops. Bwahahahahaa!!!!!!
Fun for the night: $0.75 on 2 Tylenol PMs. Got zonked out of my mind and passed out before the Victoria's Secret fashion show, which came on at 9PM. Oh well, like I need to be any more sexually frustrated... that wouldn't have helped. I haven't seen Steph since Monday morning. Various factors have contributed to the lack of a tangible GF this week, not the least of which is the fact that I'm sorta sick. Ballz. It's hard to have someone so wonderful in your life that you never see...
My friend Art from HS is inexplicably in the NYC area, working upstate and until yesterday was living in Tribeca. He's moving a bit upstate but he'll be in the city a bunch in the future which is cool.
My friend Nate, who is working out west for the ski season again, is flying in on Tuesday night. If the snow is falling in VT next week me and him are gonna bust up to CT for Tuesday night and I'm gonna take Wed off to go snowboarding with him. This was his suggestion. I think he's trying to get me out on my stick to make up for me not being able to go to Vail in Dec. And that will definitely be fun!
I still haven't called my ex back. She called last week, and I can't say that I feel any inclination to call her. The more emotional distance I put between us, the less I feel I owe her. What do you say to someone who broke your heart? "Hi, yeah I'm doing well, finally. I'm with someone who loves me and is trustworthy. How bout your stoner BF? Doing well? Oh that's just peachy. You two gonna go up to Kenny G's house in Canada again this winter...?"
So spending very little money isn't really all that fun, but it will be nice to know that in January after all the holiday spending is over, I will still have some money sacked away in the bank. Supposedly we get a modest Christmas bonus here at Halstead. That will help, I guess.
Bottom line:
Still a bit aggro towards Dad and ex-GF. Being sick doesn't help my mood. I miss my GF and my friends and spending money. But all in all I'm setting myself up for the good times to come. This is known as delayed gratification.
B out
(11/20/2002; 01:46pm) - Middle of Week 2, No Spending Month
Let me see:
Last night I was forced to go food shopping, I had nothing to eat.
Bought 1lb ground sirloin, a grapefruit, a dozen eggs, 1 bag baby carrots. I'm so goddamned healthy. Plus I took out a $20. $27.
Rented Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, $4, at Mikey's suggestion. He said it was ridiculously hysterical. It's obvious to me that, like a Pavlovian dog, he must roll a joint during the previews of every movie he rents. But it was pretty funny sober...
Last night's total expenditures, $11. Not bad.
Today, bought a banana. $0.25.
Got a call from Dad, who asked me what I had arranged for Vail trip. Told Dad I was cancelling out due to lack of money. He sounded sorta disappointed in me, sorta like he expected me to be planning my finances wisely n stuff now that I have this incredible job... BONGyoooooooooooo!!! Heh.
He also dropped a bomb in that he told me that I "came a long in a relatively affluent time" for him and mom, and that to make up for not being able to do stuff with me and be there for me because of her decade-long battle with cancer, she wrote checks instead. FUCKING THANKS DAD
So in other words I shouldn't have gotten the "rich-boy/royalty" treatment that I did. I should have been raised more modestly. This pisses me off to no end for a lot of reasons. Dad has a lot of money. He was a lawyer for 40 years. What the fuck is waiting for? We're all speeding towards our respective deaths! Spend the fucking money! Lavish gifts on people! *&%$(*&@^&(#$)))) FUCK
Like Christ
arrgh
okay sorry
And don't fucking bring Mom into this, like it's her "fault" I was raised the way I was or something. Like cancer is the reason I am used to going on cool snowboarding trips each winter. Like mom would have negged on that shit if she was healthy and alive. Yeah fuckin right. We went on a family vacation for a week to Stowe, VT, THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY FUCKING YEAR, until mom got too sick to ski, and then to sick to go at all...
I refuse to accept that mom thought she could make me feel better by writing checks, she and I knew that all I wanted was for her to get better, I would trade all my money, all my education, all my posessions for her to be alive again goddamnit.
Maybe I just took that comment the wrong way, I dunno. I'll have to ask dad about that, but it sure is a fucking dick thing to say. It now makes me really uncomfortable to have this trust fund coming at me in 10 months, like do I save it to raise a family or do I spend some or what? Do I lavish the shit on myself that mom would have lavished on me if she were alive or do I sack it away and forget about it?
Agitated at work
B out
(11/19/2002; 11:17am) - No spending month, week 2, Tuesday, not bad
Yesterday, Monday. I ended up eating my sandwiches early, like I stated below. That means at 3PM I was mad hungry. Went downstairs, got a delicious gyro, devoured it in 3 minutes. $5.35, I think.
That's all I spent yesterday.
Black man called me while I was on the way to his house, implored me to buy him a steak.
I didn't, even though he said he'd pay me back.
Instead, I showed up at his house, played his video games, watched his digital cable, ate his chicken mushroom soup, a slice of his pizza, half of his salad, and a bowl of his cereal. Cuz I'm such a great friend.
Oh yeah, bought a coke. $1.
Not so bad.
Today I needed a change. So I made 2 PB&Js for myself, no fluffernutter today.
I'm a big kid now!
Jesus.
I decided yesterday that I would not go to Vail. I told my brother to try to find someone to fill my bed over so that I wouldn't have to pay the $400 for lodging, but I'm going to have to pay up if no-one else wants to go on this trip. My brother thinks I'm insane because I'm willing to blow $400 on NOT going to CO for snowboarding. Fuck him, he's a single lawyer. Talk about expendable income. He offered to loan me the money for the trip. I declined. I hate owing people money more than anything else.
Oh well. I'll go to Aspen in the spring instead. It'll be cheaper.
Oh, and I'm getting sick. I never sleep enough. Great.
B out
(11/18/2002; 09:35am) - No spending month, week 2.
Well, okay, last week I did great. And this week I will, too. But the weekend... well, how can I not party on the weekend? I mean, this past weekend I didn't spend HALF of what I spent the weekend before, thank God, but I did spend quite a bit. I'm just glad friday was payday, that helps...
Let's see if I can remember... oh, yeah, let me get out the receipts from my wallet...
Uh oh
Friday night, bought Stacker 2s at Rite Aid, $10. Didn't need $10 worth but that was the smallest package they had. (Word to the wise, don't take energy pills and drink coffee and not eat much dinner and go out dancing... serious stomach pains) Also $10 for entrance into an underground party at a flower shop. Oh, and I guess $1 for coffee.
Saturday: bought eggs, cheese & OJ for breakfast, plus took out $20. $27 total.
Sat night: Took out $100 from ATM. There is now $12 in my wallet. That means between Sat night and Monday morning I spent $88. Cabs, some food, a couple of drinks, $30 entrance into a club called Exit at 9:30 AM with Steph... There it goes.
This is why I am eating PB&J for lunch again. Poop.
I am still debating this trip to Vail. I've already got a room in the place my brother and his friends are staying, I had to reserve it with them. Lodging is going to be $400 for me and Steph for 5 nights. So I HAVE to spend that $400 whether I go or not. Lame. But if I go, it's going to hundreds of dollars more. Lift tix, food, drinks. If I don't go Steph will be working at the Roxy on New Years Eve and she says she can get me in. I just want to be with her when the ball drops, that's the main issue here. I'd hate to miss out on snowboarding but Steph's work schedule may not allow her to go to CO with me...
Argh.
B out, no breakfast today and that PB&J is calling my name.
"Benny... eat meeee...."