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Russia Breaks My Brain
I don't understand this place, I just live here.
#03: I've been here a month and still don't understand my roommate
Thursday, October 02, 2003

Hi folks, and welcome to another exciting installment of My Life Here in Bizarro-World. You're a lame-o, but I'll respect that and assume that what you're doing is infinitely more interesting than hearing about the strangest place on earth.

It's been a full month now, as I was courteously reminded by the staff in my dorm yesterday when they told me I needed to pay rent again. I'm assuming it was curteous at least. I only understood the parts where they pointed at me and the date.

Actually, that's not completely accurate. I'm getting to the point with my russian where I can pick up key words from conversations I listen to. (Thank god people only seem to talk about what they like or what they want). Because of this, Russian TV at Kristin's house is becoming more entertaining (still doesn't hold a candle to Korean TV in NY though). Unfortunately, the second I'm put on the spot and need to actually talk to someone, I still often freeze up unless it's something I'm really familiar with.

Something like tea. I've been going to the same cafe after class a lot (as they let me hang out there with my $ 0.30 purchase as long as I want) and they're starting to make fun of me, which I think is a good thing. When I walk in, they try to guess my order (either tea or soup), which is apperantly very amusing. But it works out fine, and I pay them back by making them suffer through my poor language skills. I think one of the ladies actually corrected me the other day as well. A tutor with my tea? All for $ .30? Not bad.

Part of why I stay out at this cafe so much is that I've been avoiding my roommate. It has become clear that I am at least 90% of his social life, since he never leaves our room. NEVER. So sitting in the cafe is my chance to be by myself, so to speak. I think he is moving out partway through this month, as his research project is almost done. I'm sure he's excited, because he's always complaining how cold it is in the room (which he remedies by leaving our little stove burners on all the time) and it's definitely not winter yet. I can't imagine how his sister in Toronto gets by if he's this sensitive to the cold.

The other night he had bought a bunch of meat for a guest that never came (a security gaurd that helped my roommate carry something). But since my roommate doesn't eat meat, I was expected to eat it all. What I couldn't finish was offered to me again the next night. Now...during this time, our electricity wasn't working, so there was the question of how said food products were being preserved. The answer (of course, why didn't I think of this?) was that he had simply put them outside our window. He literally equated outdoors with a refridgerator. Turkmenistan must be a sauna.

I finally did something touristy too: Kristin met a russian girl who had some friends that wanted to practice their english, so we went out to an old estate where there were various palace/mansion things. It was fun. I got to explain the difference between focus and zoom on a camera to Igor (yep, that's a common name here). One of the odd themes of a couple of buildings was a mix of western and chinese decortations. You'd have attempts at the Sistine Chapel ceiling for part of the room with bad chinese ink paintings for wallpaper. I think it was a fad among the ruling class for a while.

I know I've mentioned a number of times how insane the traffic is here, but somehow I'd never seen a car accident. And with all the drinking going on, I hadn't seen fights either. Finally, I got both at once. A pedestrian with broken arm was yelling and reaching into the driver's window of a small car at an intersection. The car guns it in reverse, slamming into a tour bus. (The guy seemed to have completely burned his clutch or something too, as there some sort of grinding and smoke coming from his car.) The driver got out of the car, and the two guys went at it, kicking and punching each other. Abrubtly, the driver got back in the car, and tried to drive away. As he left, the pedestrian kicked his car one more time, then walked away. They both left the bus driver standing there, who had come over to talk about the accident. I felt satisfied to have witnessed it.

Oh, and the hit-and-run part of this wasn't surprising. Russia only started mandatory auto-insurance this year, and most people haven't complied yet. If you're lucky, you settle there on the side of the road.

Speaking of insurance, I now have some form of medical coverage (so mom'n'dad, no worries.) Granted, I can't read what coverage I have, but it's something...

And speaking of medical coverage (What a slew of lazy segues), there was a recent, er, adventure with Kristin's roommate. Namely, a pneumonia-adventure. On her birthday. It was sad, becuase we were out at a jazz club (listening to a band cover La Bamba and songs off the Buena Vista Social Club soundtrack, of course) and she got sick. But she's doing much better now. Apperantly not all Russian medical advice is bad.

What bad advice am I refering to? (segue segue segue) Well, I just read an article in a newspaper (most of the english language newspapers are pure crap, by the way. They make the Misc deserve a Pulitzer) discussing "Health Beverages." This beverages include fruit juice, Kvas (a kind of beer made from bread), tea, coffee, and water. Kvas is apperantly only good if it's fresh from the barrel on the street (which is where they sell it in the summer. I know, sounds sanitary, right?). Tea can "make your mood good all day." Coffee is good, but only fresh ground coffee, since anything processes is assumed to be bad. Oh, but you can't put milk in that coffee, as that will disrupt the good bacteria in your stomach. There are actually a number of products out aimed at helping your good bacteria. You should see the commercials discussing "aligning your digestive system." They feature people flirting with each other, discussing their digestion while large arrows point down over their stomachs. Talking about poop is attractive I guess. Finally, water. Water was literally said to have "magical powers." I can't believe we were ever in a space race with this country. (Ok, I've been told that the other sciences are in good shape, but that biology research was derailed years ago by someone who declared Darwin and genetics to be wrong.)

And here's another entry into the "All Stereotypes Are True" file: We just had a Dutch kid join our class, and while I haven't ever met a person from Holland before, this guy is soooo Dutch. My only reference is Austin Powers 3, where Goldmember was a lamo with bad skin that listened to shitty 70's music. Well, guess what folks? It's all true! The student, Bart, talks the same way (like he has a wad of paper in his mouth or something?), thankfully isn't picking scabs all the time, but also has an affinity for bad music. Bad music that he only listens to on LP's, mind you, since they "just sound so much better than CDs." And it is indeed bad music from the 70's: his favorite group is Supertramp. And (unlike Austin Powers) Bart seems to have a bit of a Napoleon complex, as well as no problem making quasi-racist commments from time to time. You know, like all Dutch people, right?

And for the final piece of trivia: There are many wild dogs living in the city. And they seem to do pretty well. I've heard that in Moscow they run in packs even. Thankfully, they're pretty well behaved around people.

Alrighty, that's it for this edition. Good to hear from those of you who've been writing me (hint hint). Coming up in future emails: Wedding rituals (lots on this) & What have I been eating (beyond scary meat from my roommate).

-Angry Giant