A Dizzy In The Lizzy

I am doing the wolf-spider dance, can you see it?

(05/01/2003; 12:34am) - I am doing the wolf-spider dance, can you see it?

Today is a dark day. Staying home from work b/c I cannot deal with the world. GF has run away from the city and me, I suppose temporarily. My head is spinning. Trying to figure out why this is happening, why what I once thought was rock-solid now seems to be as ethereal as a fog...

I have always tried to be the most loving, thoughtful, caring boyfriend and attentive lover as I could. I have failed on all accounts. The past week has alternated hours of decadent ecstacy with days of mental anguish. I do not know the direction that this is going in. Ideally I would like to live out the rest of my years with this woman by my side. But I cannot go on living like this, I cannot adjust this quickly to these radical emotional changes.

This will kill me. It has to stop.

In the past month I have changed from a fit, happy, confident guy with a good job into a lazy, angry asshole who rarely goes to work and never goes to the gym. I have no more money. I have alienated my friends and forgotten about my family. I am a bad person and I hate it. My old friends from home rarely call, my current friends are baffled, my family seems worried, my girlfriend tells me I suck. I know I am fucking up.

This is a dark day.