A Dizzy In The Lizzy

I need to write this. I need to get my thoughts out.

(04/20/2003; 12:54am) - I need to write this. I need to get my thoughts out.

Everything changes in the blink of an eye. I have to remember that. Nothing is forever, and you can change your destiny in the blink of an eye. Or a slip of the tongue.

Last night when my girl went to work I went along for the ride. Mayeb I would hang out for a while in the club, whatever. Play it by ear. Prolly meet up with her again in the morning to go out to another club. Any way you cut it, it was going to be a great night. So we're all there bullshitting while she and her coworkers were getting their part of the club ready for business. And I was just joking around with one of her friends there, I don't even know what we were talking about but I brought up some typically offensive Benny-type shit, you know fucking, wife swapping, whatever. Just joshing around but my lady got really really mad. Looking back on it, I shoulda rethought those jokes. I thought she knew that anything I say in jest is purely that- a joke- but when I think back on what I said, I see how that could be really hurtful to hear.

Her mood immediately changed. She stopped making eye contact with me. She stopped talking to me. I was at first shocked that she had taken anything I said seriously; I thought it was clear that I was joking. In retrospect I clearly stepped over a line. A slip of the tongue, and there goes the love of my life.

Whether our relationship is over remains to be seen. She said that she might not ever call me again. The shock of those words put me back into robot mode, the same thing that happened when my mom died. A little bit of myself died along with her and the same thing happened last night. Was my relationship with Steph that fragile, that a few idle words could destroy it? I thought not, but I am still a kid, and I'm still learning about love. Steph and I thouyght we found the loves of our lives. I was really convinced that this was the woman who would see me to my grave, the one who would throw the party to celebrate my life after I die.

Steph has said that she would stand by me to my dying day, in any endeavour that I undertake. That any woman she saw hitting on me she would throw out the window. And she wsn't kidding. I LOVED THAT SHIT. Things like that make me love this woman like I never loved anyone before. And indeed, likewise, I would destroy any person who would hurt her, I would die for her, I would sacrifice my life so that she may continue on with hers. I still would; I love her more than theseawkward words could describe. In Steph I found a love that was more raw and pure than any love I had ever received. This was love with no hangups, no exceptions, no limits.

I thought this was love that was stronger than words, bigger than the sum of its parts. I sincerely hope that I was right, because if that is so, when she decides to speak to me again, we will be able to iron things out. I am so so sorry that I said anything to hurt my love. I haven't cried in months, maybe a year. I haven't felt that bad. But in the past few days I lost it again, the Benny edge that everyone sees, the "whatever" attitude.

A good friend told me about an argument he had with one of his ex's when they were dating: he maintained that anything said in public , any joke, still should not be negative towards your partner because the two of you have an undertsnsding based on mutual respect and trust and anything negative said in front of others, at the expense of your partner, violates that trust. He is so right. Live and learn Benny, live and learn and if you make it through this with your love intact DON'T EVER FUCK UP LIKE THAT AGAIN. And if you don't, please do not make the same mistake again. Please because I NEVER want to feel this way again.

Knowing that you had the best and that you lost it because you were an idiot is the worst feeling in the world. It's evern worse than having the best and losing it through uncontrollable circumstances (i.e. my mom) and worse than never having the best at all. It's only animal cruelty if you untie a veal and show it what freedom is like. Otherwise it never knows what it is missing. I know what I am missing. It is the love of my life. She's here somewhere in this crazy city, and she's pissed and hurt, and knowing that makes me want to die. I am so so sorry.

-B out to wander