A Dizzy In The Lizzy

Gulping down milky sadness, and the sun rises again tomorrow, and the day after that...

(02/19/2003; 11:48am) - Gulping down milky sadness, and the sun rises again tomorrow, and the day after that...

Anyone who tells you that love is not inextricably linked to pain has never truly loved anything.

A day or so ago my GF and I had our first fight; the reasons and motives behind that fight are as inconsequential as they are petty.

The long and the short of it is that GF blew up and I defended myself. The argument was groundless; we were both exhausted from a long weekend. Tuesday I came into work feeling like I had been run over by a truck.

The possibility that my fairy-tale relationship was over seemed very real. The foundations of this relationship are basic: honesty, love and respect. As with any structure resing on 3 columns, it would become unstable and crumble should one of the supports be removed.

So Tuesday I laughed, but the laughter was false. I smiled but it was forced. I held my head in my hands at several points to keep the world from spinning. I imagined life without her, I played out the future scenarios: the possibility that love might escape me entirely from this point forward, the women I would never respect, the bars I would punch people in, the snowy streets I would trudge down alone. The contempt for "love". The disillusionment, the hell that is one man's lonely battle against a negative world. I saw all this in my mind's eye. My whole life played out and then I died inside. I saw the overgrown grave with a view of the East River, the chipped headstone reading "One Man Dies Alone, The World Remains Unchanged".

It was a bleak and bleary world where no one viewed Plum Blossoms By Moonlight.
A grey moon reflecting off black water.


And then she called me. And roses bloomed again.