A Dizzy In The Lizzy

As a follow-up to my previous post...

(12/30/2002; 01:44pm) - As a follow-up to my previous post...

I wonder if she really know how much I love her, and what that love means? I've told her in the past, so I'm pretty sure she knows where I'm coming from. But I wonder if when she says "I love you," it means the same thing? She is so independent, it's hard to imagine that she would need me the way I need her. And yet I am actively trying to NOT need her, but rather to appreciate her presence in my life without having her as a crutch to help me through the rough spots. What I really want, though, is to feel needed. Isn't that the best part about love? When someone says, "Hey, I need you tonight. Can you come over?" But the more I get to know this one, the less I feel she needs me. Although as I write this I am reminded of an email she wrote me singing the praises of our relationship, and how we're always here for each other, helping eachother through the rough spots.

I think one of my major faults is that somewhere along the line I programmed myself to only remember the bad times, the ways I'ver been wronged. And I can call them up at the drop of a hat. But to remember all the good times and all the kind words that have been said about me, that doesn't come as readily to me. I wonder why that is?

So I am in love here. And I am loved back, of that I am sure. But loved how? I know she calls me her "partner," innocently and sweetly. It's nice to be someone's other half, someone's partner in crime. But I want to feel wanted. I want to hear from her during the afternoon, "Benny, I think I'm gonna go nuts if I don't see you tonight. You HAVE to come over." That kind of thing melts my heart.

See, the thing is, I've heard that from her before, but sometimes even if she's said that to me, she may get tied up doing something else, like sleeping, which to her defense is a really important thing to do. And then I'm like, "Yeah, I wanna see you really bad, too!" and I don't get to see her. Which sucks. I suppose our opposite schedules are to blame fro not seeing one another as much as we'd like to, but I'm willing to go the extra mile to see her, if it means missing sleep or even work.

So this is me, trying to readjust my priorities. This is me, attempting to put myself and my needs first, something I'm not used to doing. This is me, still playing tug-of-war with my own emotions. This is me, in love and loved back, and still horny as hell.

B out