A Dizzy In The Lizzy

Life is a highway, and I'm going to quote lyrics all day long

(12/26/2002; 02:25pm) - Life is a highway, and I'm going to quote lyrics all day long

Christmas in CT was anticlimactic.
It was nice seeing Dad and the bros and some friends. I knew what I was getting for the most part so no surprises there. Nobody really seemed to make a big deal about my arrival or departure. A simple goodbye and a hug was what I got from all. I guess that's a good thing. I'm a big boy now, I make my home in another city. That's just the way things go. While in CT I got the feeling that I was not at home anymore. My home is now NYC. I couldn't wait to get back here.

There's a girl somewhere here, I think she's asleep now but she'll be up soon. It sounds saccharine but I just can't wait to lay on her bed and hold her tight to me.

It's hard when you know that to give everything to someone else, yet again, would be foolhardy. And yet each time she speaks of how much she cares for me, another piece of my heart is chipped off and handed over to her. I've made the mistake before of giving too much away, and so now I try to control this thing which is intangible, which has no definite values or boundaries. It feels like a tug-of-war, and half the time I feel like dropping my end of the rope.

She and I have talked in length about love and independence and she has made it clear that if things don't work out between us she will not stop living. She will go on and remember the good times and chalk up the whole thing to "life experience" and she'll never look back. She's strong, and I daresay she's stronger than me because when I love someone it's hard to simply shut those feelings off when it ends. To my credit I am a much more independent and whole person than I was last year. All of the things that happen to me help me in some way and I know that if this ends the love withdrawl will not be nearly as bad as last time. But still, it's like knowing your wisdom teeth are coming in all impacted. You know that perhaps, in a long time, you may have to get them all out and that will surely suck a lot. In the meantime you try pretend that will never happen.

Love is a big deal.