A Dizzy In The Lizzy

So Fresh and so clean

( 08/ 27/ 2; 02; 05) - So Fresh and so clean

5:16PM on a Tuesday. Cognitive abilities approaching zero.

Just banged my knee into my computer in a fit of frustration over a huge forward that I was supposed to relay to someone; computer rebooted itself. Had to use stress ball to keep from decapitating an innocent.
Realized that, in this quiet mental temper tantrum, my right eyelid is not twitching. It twitched for a couple months a while back. I didn't notice when this stopped, but looking back it seems the twitch was due to stress related to my breakup with Katie.
That it has gone away quietly is indicative of a more relaxed state of mind, an emotional plateau (present work-related rage notwithstanding).

Katie has escaped my priority list entirely. Called her the other day to tell her I ran into a friend of hers who hasn't seen her for a while and was putting together a party; I had given him her number so he could call her. Spoke to her for 5 or 10 minutes; she asked what I was doing on Friday. Sorry, I'm busy. Monday? Sorry, I'm busy.

That felt good.

Screw her. I'll spend my time with a woman who appreciates me, who tells me things... oh fuck, who is, at this stage, telling me the exact things that Katie was telling me 2 1/2 years ago. "Benny, you're so wonderful." "I can't wait to kiss you again." "You make me laugh all the time!" "I love spending time with you."

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Eventually I'll have to tell Steph that I've lost a little faith in the power of love, and that it has nothing to do with her, really. Or maybe she reads the Lizzy after all and she'll find out herself.

It's Katie, all Katie. All her late night confessions, the seemingly heart-felt love letters she wrote me, the way I thought she could see right through my eyes into my soul. It all seems like a sham now. Where does all that emotion go? Yeah, thanks for sticking by me after my mom died. That was great. But forcing me to be happy when I was miserable? No thanks. Making me desperate for some sort of physical affection? No thanks. Sleeping with that guy? No thank you, I know who it is now. You managed to keep the faith for six months, after that I guess you crossed some sort of point-of-no-return. I'll never understand how or why love slips away but I now have proof that it does. Thank you for that, Katie.

I'm not even bitter, although it sounds like I am. I am more guarded, I am smarter. I play my cards closer to my chest. I am one man, on my own, versus the world. And I can make it, I know I can. I have the final say in my life now and forever.

Steph, if you read this, you probably know more than you should about me at this point. That's fine, I have nothing to hide from you or anyone. You just have to know that you discovered me directly after the absolute worst year of my life, a year that changed me radically inside my head, and yet almost imperceptibly to the outside observer.

The T2000 can look exactly like the original Terminator if he chooses. Yet when you throw a punch at him and your fist sinks into his face, you instantly realize that this is something else entirely.

How many words will be dedicated to this lost love before I get it out of my system? I don't know, but for now I will appreciate what I have: a woman who finds me as enthralling as I find her. Fresh and new and exciting these times are. The faster you run the less you think about what's behind you.

Running running running running... don't think, Benny, just keep running.