Tales from Croatia
the secret origin of bobert:
Day 07
A Report on Croatian Culture
I start this email with a disclaimer. I have no idea how coherent or funny this email will be, because while writing I'm also listening to Elliot's mix tape. And though it is a phatty mix techno tape, much like Elliot, its also rather wierd.. You have no idea how hard it is to be doing something in a techno groove and then here the hampsterdance song. For those of you whom have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about please go to www.hampsterdance.com and indulge yourself (try not to puke). I've also had the pleasure of several South Park hits such as Cartman's Evil Twin's "You Guys Are My Best Friends" as seen in Spooky Fish, and the "Underpants Song" as song by the Gnomes in the wonderfully titled episode, "Gnomes". While we're on the topic of sucky music, let me put all doubts aside and say that Croatian music sucks. For instance I was sitting in a bar today (Tuesday) with some people when I heard the intro to Billie Jean. I ignored the conversation and waited for the vocals to start. Unfortunately it did and when it I did I wish it hadn't. This was because the first chord the guy sang butchered the song. Coincidentally, the second chord the guy sang did the exact same thing as the first. This continued until the song concluded and left me with a horrible image. If you can remember the video, that of Michael Jackson in a cool white suit strolling down the sidewalk and each square lighting up every time he walks over it, please replace it with the image of some Mediterranean guy. For instance the guy from the Acrop (you know, the guy who wears those medallions from the Disco is Dead . discount flea market, and is always there at midnight. Plus who had the insight to answer the clue "5 letter word meaning very bad" with "ninja" NOTE: IF YOU THOUGHT THE ANSWER WAS AWFUL YOU ARE WRONG) but fatter, in a sweaty wife beater strolling down the street eating a pastrami hoagie, with the sidewalk turning piss green, and always being chased by crack heads and homeless guys in place of the cool evil spies decked out in all black as in the original one. If that's the video for the song I just described to you, one can only imagine how bad the song actually was. Also, over here, one soon learns that a recording artist need only be able to sing in English, not sing well. Making such ideas as melody, harmony, pitch, tone, and talent obsolete if they can correctly identify and pronounce hippopotamus. Some of the radio is also as bad, but the rest of what I heard (and I admit not much) is worse. If you've ever wondered what happened to those one hit wonder bands, don't worry about them; they've all come over here and flooded the Eastern European market with crap (I admit I haven't actually turned the radio on, I believe the experiences produced by bars, fast food joints, and bookstores says enough. Besides needs to put his faith in something). Don't forget about the car I told you about before blasting Technotronix.
Despite all this don't worry because they have Alf. Yes my mother tells me that the wacky cat eating, fur shedding, illegal/extraterrestrial alien from the distant planet Melmac can be found every Saturday morning. But as deliciously funny and 80's as the sitcom is I'm not sure if it really deserves me waking up for it, but please email as I have found myself in a horrid moral dilemma. They also have the cartoon starring Mr. T. In case you forgot it's the one where he drives the Olympic youth team around the world. And they keep getting into trouble and he keeps getting them out of trouble.... Mr. T. style. Rest assured that even in the cartoon this includes Mr. T. kicking a lot of ass and perpetuating a stereotype that Martin Luther King Jr. and other black activists spent their entire lives trying to fight. On another note who would really trust a bus full of white kids (and yeah the token black guy who much like the black guy in Charlie Brown never actaully said or did anything) to Mr. T. We all know that he didn't give a fuck about their white honky asses. But I guess that's why we all love Mr. T. NOTE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF YOU HAD BETTER GODDAMN LOVE MR. T. OR I WILL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO KICKING YOUR ASS LIKE HE SHOULD.HAVE.
For bad news I'm not sure that the Gong boat is as debauchery filled as I was led to believe. For starters it is cosponsored by some League of Journalists thus possibly raising the largest max age from 27, to 57. But not only 57, but a married 57 which eliminates all the possible girls (which I just realized who all would have been close to 8 years older than me, placing me in the 4th grade watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when they were at their senior prom if they even have that over here) and I believe their mere presence eliminates all the absurd amount of alcohol consumption. Bah-humbug.
But until I star in a TV series where I can threaten and kick the ass of the some white guy named Growling Insane Merdack (which you'll notice does not violate any touchy copyright laws). And we travel in a cool van fighting crime though the army is after us. And all of this after getting of Nam with my pals, this is me signing off.
-B(obertt) A. Barracus.
I start this email with a disclaimer. I have no idea how coherent or funny this email will be, because while writing I'm also listening to Elliot's mix tape. And though it is a phatty mix techno tape, much like Elliot, its also rather wierd.. You have no idea how hard it is to be doing something in a techno groove and then here the hampsterdance song. For those of you whom have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about please go to www.hampsterdance.com and indulge yourself (try not to puke). I've also had the pleasure of several South Park hits such as Cartman's Evil Twin's "You Guys Are My Best Friends" as seen in Spooky Fish, and the "Underpants Song" as song by the Gnomes in the wonderfully titled episode, "Gnomes". While we're on the topic of sucky music, let me put all doubts aside and say that Croatian music sucks. For instance I was sitting in a bar today (Tuesday) with some people when I heard the intro to Billie Jean. I ignored the conversation and waited for the vocals to start. Unfortunately it did and when it I did I wish it hadn't. This was because the first chord the guy sang butchered the song. Coincidentally, the second chord the guy sang did the exact same thing as the first. This continued until the song concluded and left me with a horrible image. If you can remember the video, that of Michael Jackson in a cool white suit strolling down the sidewalk and each square lighting up every time he walks over it, please replace it with the image of some Mediterranean guy. For instance the guy from the Acrop (you know, the guy who wears those medallions from the Disco is Dead . discount flea market, and is always there at midnight. Plus who had the insight to answer the clue "5 letter word meaning very bad" with "ninja" NOTE: IF YOU THOUGHT THE ANSWER WAS AWFUL YOU ARE WRONG) but fatter, in a sweaty wife beater strolling down the street eating a pastrami hoagie, with the sidewalk turning piss green, and always being chased by crack heads and homeless guys in place of the cool evil spies decked out in all black as in the original one. If that's the video for the song I just described to you, one can only imagine how bad the song actually was. Also, over here, one soon learns that a recording artist need only be able to sing in English, not sing well. Making such ideas as melody, harmony, pitch, tone, and talent obsolete if they can correctly identify and pronounce hippopotamus. Some of the radio is also as bad, but the rest of what I heard (and I admit not much) is worse. If you've ever wondered what happened to those one hit wonder bands, don't worry about them; they've all come over here and flooded the Eastern European market with crap (I admit I haven't actually turned the radio on, I believe the experiences produced by bars, fast food joints, and bookstores says enough. Besides needs to put his faith in something). Don't forget about the car I told you about before blasting Technotronix.
Despite all this don't worry because they have Alf. Yes my mother tells me that the wacky cat eating, fur shedding, illegal/extraterrestrial alien from the distant planet Melmac can be found every Saturday morning. But as deliciously funny and 80's as the sitcom is I'm not sure if it really deserves me waking up for it, but please email as I have found myself in a horrid moral dilemma. They also have the cartoon starring Mr. T. In case you forgot it's the one where he drives the Olympic youth team around the world. And they keep getting into trouble and he keeps getting them out of trouble.... Mr. T. style. Rest assured that even in the cartoon this includes Mr. T. kicking a lot of ass and perpetuating a stereotype that Martin Luther King Jr. and other black activists spent their entire lives trying to fight. On another note who would really trust a bus full of white kids (and yeah the token black guy who much like the black guy in Charlie Brown never actaully said or did anything) to Mr. T. We all know that he didn't give a fuck about their white honky asses. But I guess that's why we all love Mr. T. NOTE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF YOU HAD BETTER GODDAMN LOVE MR. T. OR I WILL DEDICATE MY LIFE TO KICKING YOUR ASS LIKE HE SHOULD.HAVE.
For bad news I'm not sure that the Gong boat is as debauchery filled as I was led to believe. For starters it is cosponsored by some League of Journalists thus possibly raising the largest max age from 27, to 57. But not only 57, but a married 57 which eliminates all the possible girls (which I just realized who all would have been close to 8 years older than me, placing me in the 4th grade watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when they were at their senior prom if they even have that over here) and I believe their mere presence eliminates all the absurd amount of alcohol consumption. Bah-humbug.
But until I star in a TV series where I can threaten and kick the ass of the some white guy named Growling Insane Merdack (which you'll notice does not violate any touchy copyright laws). And we travel in a cool van fighting crime though the army is after us. And all of this after getting of Nam with my pals, this is me signing off.
-B(obertt) A. Barracus.